trauma is related to therapy
I just want to vent a litle bit about how my life is like a vicious cycle...my trauma is deep-rooted in several bad therapy experiences in the past; they're not in any way traumatizing to me but they were, simply put, unhelpful enough to tire me from actively seeking help.
But the peak event that shaped my trauma into a 'final, whole form' was what happened with a school counselor two years ago...at that time I was having one of my most terrible breakdowns and instead of getting comforted, I was insulted, scoled at and was belittled for an hour. Up until that time I still had a bit of hope in myself that I can get the help I need, and I will try to seek for that help no matter how hard. And it was indeed hard; I had to hold in the embarrassment of crying in the hallway as I walked to and knocked on the counselor room's door. I didn't expect to be treated that way and honestly that was my absolute last straw, the event that destroyed all of my trust for mental health professionals once for all.
I know that not all professionals are like that. I know I just came across the bad apple. But while fully aware of this, I'm also so afraid of getting therapy. I can't financially afford it at the moment but even if time comes when I can, I'm not sure if I can handle it. I still get terrifying flashbacks from that day and every time someone talks about therapy I get triggered. Am I a bad person that when I hear someone's healing experience with therapy/counselling, I instantly get reminded of that day, and feel very hateful and jealous?
The issue is that I know I probably need some professional help to overcome my trauma, but as I've mentioned, my trauma is related to that so...yeah. I can't seem to escape it. I just can't trust them, in fact I hesitate in asking for emotional help in general these days in fear I will be belittled again. I want to heal from my trauma, but I'm traumatized of seeking healing.
Hydrangea, hi I'm so sorry for your horrid experience with seeking help. I can relate as I have had bad experience with therapy( sorry if this triggers you). I have CPTSD from many different traumas over the course of my life. I will say I admire your strength! I don't trust easily but a counselor was put into my path thru my job and she has been incredible. She showed me hope in finding true help. Don't give up try looking thru a recommendation from a Dr . a regular one you may see for yearly check ups. I learned that if I forgive my perps in writing and dispose of the paper it helps to move past it. Forgiveness doesn't mean it's ok what they did it just let's you get past it so you can heal. I wanted you to know your not alone there's alot of ppl suffering as you are, best of luck. ABB
@amiableBlackberry92, thank you for being kind to me. Sadly I don't have that sort of doctor so I don't know who to ask for advice from. Maybe what I should do right now before I can start therapy is, as what you've said, try to heal by myself first by trying to forgive. 
Yes that's an excellent start. Journaling helped me alot too. But if you write in an actual journal book and need it to be private from others , electronic device writing might be a better idea. I spent alot of time writing my thoughts and listing the positive things in my life even if it was only a couple of things it helped . I spent all the good weather days I could being in nature listening to birds , touching leaves and putting my feet in the grass. It was very grounding. ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 that’s a wonderful idea :) thank you so much
