Memories of Sexual Abuse
I was sexually abused as a child by my Father. I can think about and remember different situations vaguely of when he had abused me. But when I remember them I feel very detached or emotionally numb. I feel like they don't effect me in ways thinking about abuse should effect someone. Don't get me wrong the effects of the abuse has manifested itself in many different ways in my life, relationships, trust, needing to always be in control, emotional labile which leads to self harm and many many more! But when I think about memories of the abuse specifically I don't really feel anything when I expect to like cry or be angry. Some days I feel those emotions but I feel like I am sad or angry for another person. Like that person is not me. Or maybe another version of me I am not connected to. It could be because disassociation but I am not sure! Does anyone experience this as well?
@PerfectlyImperfectt21 I understand exactly what you mean. You are not the only one like this and I hope you are doing well <3
@PerfectlyImperfectt21
you may be dissociating, it sounds a lot like what i feel like and its a normal reaction. I even gave that other person a name when I was frist trying to come to terms wiht it. It helped me when i was struggling too much to pretend it wasnt my memory or my past. when things hurt too much our brains do that htey find ways to deal that arent always helpful later on but they are important in the short term during the bad stuff.
You should talk to a proffessional about it to know for sure and learn ways to ground back if you find yourself feeling like that distnace is in more current situations. I use the 5 4 3 2 1 when someone is around to help me but i cant do it alone yet. takes practise
good luck and i hope you are doing okay or better :)
@PerfectlyImperfectt21 Emotional detachment & dissociation are extremely common for trauma survivors. Please don't be too hard on yourself about this lack of response to what happened to you. It's one of the many different ways that the mind and body cope with trauma.
@PerfectlyImperfectt21
Happened to me too
I remembered everyting, but felt nothing about it. Also, parts of the abuse that I thought didn't matter, well, they were maybe the worst. And my brain convinced me that I shouldn't even dwell on those, because they were too painf... ahem... they were not relevant.
I didn't see myself as that girl that was experiencing the images I had in my mind. I knew it happened to me, but at the same time I didn't. That girl was not me.
Later on I found out that one of the reasons why I liked so much being very underweight and I didn't feel comfortable gaining back all my weight was that I recognized my healty weight body as the girl in those images, the girl that was abused, and I didn't want her body. That was the beginning of a connection with th emotional part of the abuse, that I had locked away. Connection is still on and off. I don't think I've worked it out completely.
@PerfectlyImperfectt21
Hello and welcome. I am pretty sure I've been in your shoes. I never thought about the way you did. I just simply thought I was numb to it because I was in pain for so long. My therapist once told me it maybe because parts of my trauma is repressed and the glimps of recollection just may not be enough for me to have a cow everytime I think about it. Either way, I am glad your past trauma doesn't hurt you so badly. It would be nice to find some answers but until then, I am happy you're doing better. See you around!