Just Thoughts
I want to get off this ride. I didn't ask to get on.
I didn't ask for the abuse
I didn't ask for the memories
I didn't ask for the sadness
I didn't ask for the self hatred
I didn't ask for the panic
I didn't ask for the fear
I didn't ask for the grieving
I didn't ask for this journey
I didn't ask for the loneliness
I didn't ask to be the quiet one
I didn't ask to be silenced
I promised I wouldn't self medicate but I did. I did and I'm sorry. I just wanted to not think. I just wanted to feel nothing. I just wanted it all to go away for a little while.
Everything keeps coming fast and furious. Memories, body sensations, triggers. It's all there all the time. "They" say it's part of the healing process, they say it will get better, they say there is light at the end of the tunnel, they say to be patient, they say listen to all the parts of you.. Nurture them, listen and love them.
No one every listened to me, no one ever nurtured me. Why is it now up to me to make up for lost inocent, for lost nurturing, for lost love.
Nothing about that seems fair to me.
Alone and sad.
Two feelings that hurt to the core.
Two feelings that consume my being.
No matter how much I'm reminded I'm not alone it doesn't help when currently in the moment.
No matter how much I'm reminded it's ok to be sad for what happened. It doesn't make it any easier.
Its an uphill battle.
This is never going to go away or feel better....
@QuietlyScreaming
This is an uphill battle... but not fighting upward and forward we become stuck in the pit of mire. You are worth your fight. We each are worth the fight, because no matter how neglected, unloved and abused we my have been, we are valuable, loveable, and beutiful inside. It just got covered up inside by all the yuck outside. Sometimes so much we can't even see it now!
Don't give up on your fight. You are a great writer... great at expressing what is going on. Hold tight to your strenghts. I won't tell you it's easy or fair, but you are worth it!!!
The thought of sleep brings mixed feelings. I'm afraid of the anxiety it will bring. The feelings that start in the pit of your stomach and works it way up into your chest engulfing your heart, filling your lungs, grabbing you by the throat. It's the feeling of walking a tight rope to a panic attack while laying in bed. The place where I should feel comfort and safety as an adult is the place I never felt comfort and safety as a child.
When you feel completely alone in a room full of people. When the depths of your soul feels empty. There are times when I feel like I will never have the ability to be happy. Happy with myself. To love myself. To be ok in my skin. To allow someone to love me. To feel like I am worthy. To be able to look in the mirror and not hate the person looking back at me. To not be disgusted by that person. To be able to really manage the thoughts and feelings and not let in take over my daily life. To not cry myself to sleep any more. To just be.
@QuietlyScreaming
Those feeings really can give us a run can't they! But you are worthy and loveable and deserving of all that is good. :)
@KristenHR they certainly can. Somewhere deep in side I know. One side of my brain knows and trying to convince the other.
@QuietlyScreaming
I can tell you're working on it. I can hear it in your words. Your beautiful words that tell such a story. Keep writing! Keep sharing!
I am that girl who can't bring herself to leave her house. I am that girl that spends her nights crying herself to sleep and her days pretending everything is ok. I am that girl that feels more alone than anyone will ever get. I am that girl that has no energy to do anything, she lives in a mess and doesn't really seem to care. I am that girl that no one understands. I am that girl that can't look at herself in the mirror because she hates who's looking back at her. I am that girl that punches the wall as hard as she possibly can to redirect the pain she feels on the inside. I am that girl that always looks tired. I am that girl that feels like she is a burden to those that know her. I am that girl that sometimes prefers to not say anything at all.
@QuietlyScreaming I loved it, thank you for this <3
