I really thought I was over my PTSD
I have a fear of guys. There, I said it. It stems from years of abuse and rape. I have social anxiety as well with all genders but I only freeze up and panic around men. Today I had two interviews for jobs I really need. The one with the woman was fine; I was awkward and shy but that's normal for me. She offered me the job on the spot. The one with the two guys was horrible. My mind was cloudy, I felt like I couldn't breath, it got hot and it actually felt like I was trembling. I don't know if I was or not but it sure felt like it. My throat tightened and I really hope that the veins in there were not bulging like it like they were.
It was embarressing, I thought I had this under control. I know not all guys are out to get me and I know I was safe. During a mania phase I went to a secluded area with a guy I didn't know and even made out with him. Here I am, meeting two guys in a safe spot for a job interview and I feel like this. It doesn't make sense and even moreso just embarressing. I walked out of the interview and my mom looked at me and told me my skin was all splotchy which just sucks even more.
I probably wont get that job and all because my illogical mind refuses to see I'm safe. Just really annoying that I'm no longer in control of my own life.
That sounds super stressful and really hard to have gone through! I have PTSD too and every once in a while something like what you experienced comes up and you feel like I've lost all the progress you've made. You have not lost that progress. Think about it like a road-bump. It won't be like that every time. You are super strong to have lasted through the interview and to have faced it head on finishing it and everything! I'm really proud of you.
I understand.
I have PTSD as well and I feel illogical hate towards a group(type) of people that are around me because some of them hurt me really bad over the years(bullying, sexual harasement, etc), and even though I know it's illogical and they can't all be that way I just can't help it; however I know that it's not like the first time I was diagnosed, I think I am getting better, even if I still experience mixed feelings when I meet some of them.
You can do it :)
I haven't been diagnosed with PTSD but I all the research I have done it shows I do. I haven't been able to talk about my traumatic experience woth a professional and it's been 6 years of agony :( just the last 2 weeks have been full of panic attacks, nightmare and times I feel like I'm reliving the moment all over again. :(
@Christina05
If you don't mind telling us: Why weren't you able to talk about it with a professional?
Because I'm terrified of being in a room with closed door, which apparently they do for.privacy :(
I think that it makes absolute sense that you were able to do things in a risky situation, but not in a safe one, if you were feeling manic. Often people with PTSD will engage in risky behavior to 're-live' the abuse in a sense. You aren't alone.
I'm sorry you weren't able to talk to a professional. PTSD is a complex thing and it can be incredibly helpful to see a professional. I'm really glad you got the other job though!
I can actually relate to to you... Of late I'm having the same issue.. even with casual hangouts with friends , I can't look them.in the eye.. feel.like they can see through me.. especially men.. I go numb and just walk away for a short break to cope ..
And the risky behaviour yes that's true too , I guess it's more like if ur in control no one can hurt u.. I dunno just my thoughts .