my trauma diary, i guess

@atomicangel

Welcome to the diary thread. Your user name looks pretty anonymous to me, so Id really like to think youre safe to share whatever youd like to.

Welcome to the community.. We are here to listen and support if you need or want.. And sometimes it's a relief to put it out there because it is anonymous.. Hope you are well.. Take care and be kind to yourself x

hey, thank you all so much for the support. <3

i came up with a metaphor for my situation that i think explains it pretty accurately:

"it's like my mental health is a wall and there are holes in it with water flowing out of them. the holes are issues like depression, adhd, generalized anxiety, social anxiety, etc. i plug up the holes with things like medication, mindfulness/meditation, therapy, support of loved ones, etc. but each time i plug up a hole, a new hole breaks through the wall, letting more water pour in and fill more and more.

when i plugged up the depression hole wih antidepressants and things were looking okay, the adhd hole appeared and i had to handle that. i fixed it, and now theres a small but scary derealization/depersonalization hole that has opened up. i've realized now that its likely that plugging up the hole will just lead to the creation of another hole somewhere else, so i need to come up with a better approach.

i've figured out through research and introspection that it'd very likely that ptsd is the source of the water. if i take care of this source, figuring out a way to turn off the faucet, then i won't have to worry about water flowing through any more holes.

(yeah, there are problems in my life that arent due to ptsd, but that's expected in life, so all of those typical life stressors arent part of this metaphor.)"

so yeah. i know i'm getting better, but it's happening so slowly and there are so many pitfalls. it's so rare that i ever feel happy, so i think i'm going to contact the counseling center at my school and get some professional help. even though i have a therapist back home, it's so inconvenient to travel back to see her that i end up always putting it off. going to see someone right nearby on a regular basis would really help me, i think. it's too hard to do this on my own, even though i've been trying my best.

i just posted a question about the sexual aspect of my trauma in another thread. when i started writing it, though, more and more words just kept coming out, and i found myself writing a lot more than i had originally anticipated. i cut most of it out of that post since it didn't directly relate to the topic, but i'm going to post it here because i think it's good that i got all of this down.

so i'm almost absolutely positive i have ptsd from a horrible relationship i had 5 years ago. i've shown countless symptoms since then, including frequent dissociation, flashbacks, nightmares, worsened depression and anxiety, constantly feeling "on edge", having anxiety attacks over seeing my ex girlfriend or things that remind me of her, etc, etc... i've been going to therapy for years for other mental health concerns, but haven't really focused on my trauma, since i've constantly questioned and dismissed it. but i've finally decided that enough is enough, and i don't want to deal with this anymore. so i started doing a lot of research on ptsd, like reading books on the subject and googling information on various symptoms and other people's experiences. i finally worked up the bravery to talk about it in-depth with my therapist, and i was able to give her a comprehensive summary of what happened, which was a very pleasant surprise, seeing as every single time i've tried to talk about it to anyone before, i would go nonverbal and start dissociating badly. she agrees with my belief that i have ptsd, and i haven't gotten an "official" diagnosis yet, but i am finally confident enough to say after all these years that i have a strong belief that i have it.

however, i'm still having trouble accepting the fact that what happened to me was abuse. i understand that i have post-traumatic symptoms, but i constantly question if what happened to me was actual abuse, or simply a traumatic experience over a long period of time (about a year or so). i was manipulated and emotionally abused by a different ex a few years after the trauma occured, but did not end up with any post-traumatic symptoms from this relationship, just a considerable blow to my self-esteem. i am able to identify this ex as manipulative and abusive without hesitation. however, this is not the case for my first ex who caused me to end up with ptsd. my mind constantly makes excuses for her, saying that she was young and didn't know what she was doing (i was 13 and she was 12), and that she was in a really bad place in her life and was very lonely and mentally ill. last summer, i gathered up the courage to text her about what i've been going through, being completely open about how much i've been hurt by how she treated me and how bad the situation was, and asking for clarification about fuzzy spots in my memory of our time together. she seemed genuinely shocked and apologetic. she told me about how she had no idea that i had been affected this badly, and she had had no intention to hurt me like this in the slightest. she told me she has matured a lot and deeply regrets a lot of her actions from back then. although it was over text and not in person, from my end she sounded very sincere, and this put a lot of weight off my shoulders. it made me feel a whole lot better for a few months, but then i realized that i was not completely free from ptsd, and i still have a lot to work on. so here i am.