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[i had a longer backstory typed up here, but it was very long and didn't directly pertain to sexual abuse, so i took it out. i'll put it in my trauma diary after i post this, though, so feel free to check it out if you'd like more info about my situation! also, this post does include some details of sexual experiences i've had. they're not incredibly graphic, but they're not super vague, either, so please read with care.]
i am beginning to understand that my ex girlfriend emotionally manipulated me in many ways that terrified me, made me feel responsible for any wrongdoing, and lots of other horrible things. i'm working really hard on the healing process. but the sexual aspect of my trauma has really been causing a lot of problems for me lately. now that i have been in a healthy and happy relationship for over a year, sex is becoming a more significant part of my life, and i am not opposed to this fact at all. my boyfriend and i are long-distance, so that makes things tougher, but we see each other every few months, and end up being sexual while we are together. we've done sexting stuff a bunch, too. i enjoy it. i want to finally embrace my sexuality after all of the years of shame i've been made to feel over it due to my deeply religious upbringing. but it's really hard for me. i used to not be able to make out with a partner without dissociating, thinking about other things the whole time and feeling like i wasn't really in my body experiencing what was happening. there were many occasions where i would burst into tears or become severely dizzy, obviously putting a huge damper on the mood. i've made a lot of progress since then, and i'm very proud of myself, but now that i've gotten into trying more intimate things with my boyfriend, it's getting difficult again.
dissociation still rears its ugly head on many occasions, and any attempts at vaginal insertion have been incredibly painful. i used to be able to put in multiple fingers with no problem, but those days are long gone, and any insertion causes extreme pain for me and i have to stop. i've tried to practice with a dildo on my own with lots and lots of lube, but it doesn't seem to help at all. its so upsetting to me because i just want to be able to fulfill my sexual desires and have lots of pleasurable, fun times with my boyfriend.
so now i'm finally thinking back on the sexual occurences between me and my first ex. i was 13 at the time, was only just starting puberty, and had no exposure to sex at all due to heavily religious influences. i learned what sex was by myself at the age of 10 after coming across a sexual joke in one of my father's books i had curiously picked up and googling what the joke could mean. i found out all the basics of sex through wikipedia articles and youtube videos. (yikes, i know.) i didn't have any sexual urges at all, though. so when my abuser/then-girlfriend turned our first kiss into a makeout session with boob- and butt-groping, i was quite surprised, to say the least. i can't remember if she asked me if it was okay to do that. but i know i didn't show any signs of opposition. i've always been a very passive person and a huge pushover. plus, i thought i loved my girlfriend very much, and this was what she wanted to do with me, and this was what people in relationships did, so what could go wrong?
she was a very sexual person, and would often ask me to sexually massage her boobs, and do the same for me in return. she would kiss and lick and bite my neck a lot, and i felt obligated to reciprocate. she would kiss all over my body and suck on my boobs. i think i did the same to her, i don't really remember. i would moan and make pleased sounds through it all, not because i liked it, but because i wanted her to feel like she was doing a good job and making me feel good.
our parents were homophobic and didn't trust us alone, so we weren't allowed to hang out too much outside of school once we came out to them. we then resorted to doing sexual things on the school bus on the way home when nobody was sitting in the seats near us, and in the school bathroom. she even felt up my chest and legs a lot when we were sitting at the lunch table talking with friends, but i would casually lean forward on the table or strategically place my lunchbox or sweater on the table so nobody around us would notice. she was always the one to initiate this stuff.
i must have seemed visibly uncomfortable and anxious during our "bus time", constantly spacing out or looking out the window, paranoid that someone (specifically my mom) would look in the bus window from outside and catch us, because she asked me plenty of times if i was okay and if i wanted to continue. i said yes every time. i didn't say no. i told her i was paranoid about getting caught by my mom or someone else, but that was all. i told her i loved it. i was afraid that if i told her it didn't feel good or i didn't want to do sexual things with her, she would take it personally and feel like i didn't truly love her and she was unattractive and ugly and not sexy and horrible. her self-worth was very, very low and she had a lot of suicidal and self-harming tendencies, so i didn't want to risk hurting her at all in any way. i was basically the only good person in her life (according to her), and i didn't want to ruin that by speaking up. i just convinced myself i loved her and i loved what we did together and everything was fine.
i've never been able to confidently call this sexual abuse. i didn't like it, i didn't want it, i was too young to find any pleasure from it, i dissociated throughout it all, and i felt as though i couldn't say no because doing so would cause her to hurt herself. however, i told her it was okay, i told her that i liked it, and i convinced myself that i liked it. so i really, truly don't know.
i find comfort in labelling what has happened to me and finding people who can relate. i know it was not my fault, but i still can't shake the belief that it wasn't that bad and it wasn't sexual abuse. please help if you can. thank you so much.
