five and a half years of mental abuse

the story:

I lived for 6 months with one mentally abusive grandpa (and my non-abuseive family of four) at the age of six. I rember very little of this time exept for at one point holding a knife and considering suicide but stopping because I felt the primal urge to continue my bloodline with no emotion going behind it. my family then moved in with another grandma and mentally abusive grandpa for 5 years. my grandpa was a trucker and only came home on the weekends. he would take out all his anger on the people stuck with him and he would be set off by very little things. he would constantly force us to do about everything in the house. if we ever asked him to do any work he wouldn't do it. he took everything personaly. I like a little bit of disorder in my room because to me it's comfortable. my grandpa likes order so he always wanted me to clean my room. he was blind to all of his messes but always saw the smallest inperfection in our stuff and yell about it. he got a dog but he didn't take care of it. everyone else had to take care of the dog. he messed up our relationship so much I don't know if I would care if he died.

now:

we moved out and now I have low self esteem. my mom is how I am related to the 2nd grandpa and she has low self esteem. I am feeling much better now that we are out of there.

thank you for reading.