Words meet heartbeats

@Npepsicola

'A person made up entirely of flaws, held together by good intentions '

That's so poetic, and in many ways true for all of us, I think.

I prefer to think of myself and others as being made up mostly of good intentions, with many flaws. There's no essential difference between our descriptions, but there's more agency, more intentionality, in that formulation for me.

Its Monday. A new week. I dont look forward to much anymore, ive pretty much isolated myself from friends at this point. I used to rely on those friendships so much, not that they knew what i was going through, but it was a platform to forget for awhile. Now just going to the job i used to adore feels like a struggle. I used to love heading to work, a chance to put it all away. But now i feel foggy, its difficult to concentrate, being around all the people makes me feel anxious. The pressure is a lot. I want clarity so bad, i find it so hard to trust anyone, even myself. Even as i write i feel it hard to grasp solid thoughts. I hope the fog lifts soon.

I deserve punishment for bad behavior. I think thats one of the bad thoughts in my head that I believe the most. It sticks out as being the most prevalent, the most controlling of my life. Its the thought that I listen to the most. I dont know why. Maybe its familiar, I mean it makes sense. Its what I know. Bad things happen when I do something wrong. I dont think its an absurd idea. It does help me feel resolved. There was an outcome, as opposed to nothing happening. Its a release, not a healthy one but a release all the same. I dont know what other do when they do something bad. My life feels like it revolves around these punishments. I must do a lot of things wrong. I realize that i dont reward myself for good behavior though, but a lack of punishment feels like a reward in itself i guess. Its difficult to challenge these thoughts. The voice in my own head, the one person ive always listened to. The one voice that has never left me, never abandoned me. How can it be wrong? How do i know what right is?

Im on edge today. I feel like im in survival mode. I need to feel better soon, im trying to hang on but it feels like im running out of time. Desperation is forming. I just want to make it out of this.