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Told my boyfriend about my crappy childhood

Rhaena May 16th, 2018

So I explained why I hate drugs so much to him. I always hate when I have to talk about it. When they give you that sad look and how you just know how bad they feel for you, but you don't want them to feel bad. Having others feel bad for me just makes me feel worse, you know? But I mean, how do you say "my mother was an addict who barely had custody of us and when she did she'd pretend her dealers weren't raping me because God forbid her drug supply be cut off" to people and expect them to not feel bad? Especially when it isn't even for that purpose and it's just for them to understand why you're so incredibly mentally unstable. Plus after they know that you start to wonder if they're confused about why you miss her. Like, it's a little messed up to miss someone that completely destroyed your mental health rather than being happy that they're dead. I guess it's hard to hate the person that gave you life even if the life they gave you sucked.

I don't know.

Anyway, I just needed to vent to someone that I don't actually know to try and make me feel less crappy about having to talk about it. By talking about it more, because that makes sense lol

1
BeeLeigh June 1st, 2018

@Rhaena

It makes perfect sense hun! Talking about things is how we resolve them within ourselves. We have to talk things out to try to understand them and gain some clarity, even if there is none to be had. I know that look you speak of quite well. It's one of my least favorite things ever. It always makes me feel ashamed, like I shouldn't have said anything. But if people like us don't ever talk about the lives we've had, how can anyone ever be expected to understand the long term impact those situations can have? People speaking out is how the conversation gets started, and it's how justice comes to be served for those who may suffer in the future. There may have been no justice for us, but by speaking out we can change make sure there is for future generations 💜