Thoughts and ramblings of a Watermelon... Feb 17

Today i feel tired. I got up early to take my neice Lauren to her appointment.. poor wee soul. Turns out she has to get a camera up her nose. I waited in the car with Dad (not that we said much to each other) he read the paper and i spent some time here on 7cups... well an hour or so

I made an excuse to come home again after dropping them off at their house. My mum asked if i wanted to stay until my neice came out of school to take her to mine for her overnight.. stuff that! Couldnt think of much worse today!.. ill head bak over later to take the wee one to aikido and then home for a girly night. I dont know why i feel so uncomfortable around them... my family!?.. its just horrible.

Im looking forward to getting some aikido practice later and its always fun to take the wee one to the kids class too. But my anxiety is nuts when i get there later.. and i know ill be panicking especially before i have to teach the kids lesson.. i really hate that this will happen, because i know i am capable, but my self belief especially around kids is just rotten lately. Im feeling that i cant handle the responsability or i cant handle the stress of being alert to the many many hazards. I dont know.

Anyways its only 2pm so time to chill so off for a shower 🙂

Any thoughts n questions welcome. 👣👣👣👣

Today we are on our way to the beach with my neice and the two mutts ⛱🌞👪

Hmmm..... 🤔😕 im not so good at keeping a journal am i. Oh well.

Last couple of days have been very mixed. I caught up with my friend and helped them with some diy. I got some things dont that needed doing on my renovation. Bloody hell i cant wait to get it finished... 3 years of slow progress, and now we're near the end. Its so difficult to get going again after putting it on hold. Anyways i left the place feeling a bit more upbeat knowing that there is probably only another month or two to go!

I didnt make the new support session here on 7 cups yesterday even although had intended to. I was so busy being busy.. doing the what i thought to be important things. 🐝 it just wasnt possible and i felt gutted... which later turned to regret... also i should be doing more than distractions.. i need to sort my whole sorry life out. And i start with renovations!! Jeez🙄 i suppose it was at least constructive.. ish.

I couldnt really sleep last night as things went around in my head.... questionable memories... ptsd and what ive done to my precious relationships... all the bad choices ive made just all going around making my whole life come into rapid focus ...

It left me feeling empty in my heart. I know its emotion but which emotion is empty?

Lets see.. upon reflection. I think it was dread. And it left me feeling confused and stressed when it went and by texting it out to a 7cups listener i managed to snuggle in with my significant other for the wee small hrs