Stuck Between Stations by melliotm

@melliotm

Great song! I'm so happy you decided to try this too. Solidarity!!!

I'm having trouble managing anxious feelings today, being overtaken by a sense of helplessness. My mother's heart has been an issue over the last few months, with many trips to the ER. Medication seems to be working finally and it's been a while since she I had an episode.

She messaged me today to say that she'd had one yesterday, but was able to avoid a trip to emergency. She had meant for it to be seen as progress, but all it did was reactivate my worries about her health and my inability to do anything about it. Except worry.

She has a perverse notion of "good" news lol.

Not her fault though -- and I'm glad that she was able to avoid emerg. I just...I don't know. This has been at the root of recent traumatic events for me and I still have difficulty processing it.

Someone who I once confided in about the matter said it's a selfish response for children to worry about their parents' mortality. That we should just tell them as children how I much we love them. Which is true to some extent I suppose.

But it's also a human response -- and it seems...cruel to expect otherwise.

So since then I sometimes feel a sense of shame on top of my worry. Even though worrying is normal and natural. Like I'm doing the wrong thing and it's self absorbed and that's bad so I'm bad and and and thus starts the intrusive, toxic thought cycle.

With regards to Saturday's check in, and what was in my box...

If I could, I would pack up the vast majority of my childhood (especially the primary school years). The abandonment, the abuse, the rejection, the constant torment (both from others and self inflicted), the racism (oh, the racism...), the loss of the only parental figure (dear Nana) who ever accepted me unconditionally (never truly grieved for her, she was just...gone, and so was a small, isolated pocket of security), other things that go bump in the night and still have me looking over my shoulders and jumping at the slightest breeze which I can't put properly into words without putting myself at risk of dissociating and dissolving into mush... everything I ever internalized and indicted myself for. The burden of shame for ever existing in the first place.

It's a pretty heavy box, at least to me. You might need a forklift to carry it. Union rules.

ATM I feel extremely stuck, overburdened by my inability to face the day ahead. Haven't heard back from my psychiatrist's office yet about rescheduling the appointment (which was supposed to have been today) they cancelled, which probably means that I should be proactive and call...the prospect of which I find terrifying at the moment.

Also have long-neglected household tasks to undertake, lest I risk incurring the wrath of the roommate (who is not a morning person, nor, it should be noted, all that wrathful -- my view is heavily distorted by my condition, as are my reactions -- I KNOW this and yet...). All of this has me blanket-forting and legit afraid to even leave my room. Breaking down my day into bite-sized portions feels like a daunting endeavour in and of itself.

Fear. Naked, abject fear of wretchedly mundane and benign things. Nothing seems to be working -- can't seem to find the self compassion to counter the seemingly all-consuming inner criticism today.

Trapped. Stuck. Only making things worse the longer I delay the inevitable.

Update: Tried doing things. Failed miserably because that is how I roll. Spilled dirty cat litter on basement floor, couldn't leave a message with my psychiatrist because the clinic nurse is out of office till tomorrow and had her voicemail set to not accept messages.

I just should have stayed stuck in my fort where it was safe.

Challenge:

1.Acknowledge your feelings. They are real so validate them! The person who tells you Oh just tell yourself not to be sad- dont you just want to hang them by their toes? Its okay to have feelings and when we try to stuff them or ignore them it can make them worse. So acknowledge them. Im really feeling……. 2. Use logic in the situation to help turn it around and make things more realistic. One thing feelings do is make a bad situation feel worse. What is causing the feeling? Can you reframe it? Can you find a solution? Can you just acknowledge that although it feels bad right now it wont feel that way forever? 3. Support yourself. Give yourself some love. I will get through this. Its going to be okay. Be your own cheerleader. Now again this wont always fix things but it will hopefully help you get through some tough moments.

https://www.7cups.com/forum/TraumaticExperiencesCommunity_60/TherapistCorner_1287/Processingemotions_78198/?notifyID=181344250

Thus far, it's rough going.

It seems like my worries remain ephemeral, a general, all-consuming sense of disquiet. I've had to struggle to leave my bed, much less the the house this week. Thus, i find myself increasingly isolated, avoiding both socialization and necessary errands (made it to the store for milk and a few other essentials this morning though -- including a frozen pizza for comfort heh).

Am trying to remain compassionate to myself throughout this experience. Emotional flashbacks remain a huge factor in my current state of mind. I'm at a point in my journey where long-dormant feelings and traumatic residuals are coming to the surface after I buried them for years.

I'm doing my best to accept the feelings as they come, and to show kindness to the traumatized part of my psyche as I ride out the mental storm. I'm proud of myself for remaining sober (and thus present) during this difficult period. Pain is all part of the healing process, draining as it may be.

All that said, this feels...awful. It's so hard to remain present in the moment (much less handle adulting)) when you're experiencing terrible feelings that have been displaced by time. Especially when they come from a time when you were small and helpless and didn't have any sense of control.

When five minutes felt like forever...

I know that this WILL pass. Just wish it would hurry up. And that I didn't feel so alone at the moment.

WTH happened to 7Cups is it even going to be around next year?? Glad I didn't sink any money into this data mining tar pit. Oh yeah xoxo u know who you are too bad I can't find any of you because the brain geniuses in admin (or what's left of it) ditched the feed and now followers. What a sad joke; no wonder nobody's laughing.

- ⛺

Lol just noticed that Cups COO Merline Saintil had quit or been ''"let go"" a few months back. Wonder how much the cost of poaching her from Yahoo! Mobile has contributed to current financial difficulties. According to various job boards looks like they were actively seeking a replacement for her back in July but gave up. Anyway corporate press releases seem to provide more transparency than what's left of admin, just an FYI.

Godspeed, Merline. We hardly knew ye (literally).