Stuck Between Stations by melliotm
I'm not precisely sure how this journal is going to turn out. Perhaps like @MKJart I will repost my daily check-in dispatches. Or maybe I'll post cute animal GIFs.
Who knows?
But for my inaugural post, I'm going to throw up a song by one of my fav bands, The Hold Steady. Mostly because I'm a sucker for alliteration and a well-positioned Springsteen-esque piano breakdown. But also because Craig Finn's typically logarithmic yet razor-sharo lyrics really cut to the quick here:
Most nights are crystal clear
But tonight it's like it's stuck between stations
On the radio
@melliotm
Great song! I'm so happy you decided to try this too. Solidarity!!!
I'm having trouble managing anxious feelings today, being overtaken by a sense of helplessness. My mother's heart has been an issue over the last few months, with many trips to the ER. Medication seems to be working finally and it's been a while since she I had an episode.
She messaged me today to say that she'd had one yesterday, but was able to avoid a trip to emergency. She had meant for it to be seen as progress, but all it did was reactivate my worries about her health and my inability to do anything about it. Except worry.
She has a perverse notion of "good" news lol.
Not her fault though -- and I'm glad that she was able to avoid emerg. I just...I don't know. This has been at the root of recent traumatic events for me and I still have difficulty processing it.
Someone who I once confided in about the matter said it's a selfish response for children to worry about their parents' mortality. That we should just tell them as children how I much we love them. Which is true to some extent I suppose.
But it's also a human response -- and it seems...cruel to expect otherwise.
So since then I sometimes feel a sense of shame on top of my worry. Even though worrying is normal and natural. Like I'm doing the wrong thing and it's self absorbed and that's bad so I'm bad and and and thus starts the intrusive, toxic thought cycle.
I'm so sensitive to external suggestion and a need to please if I'm not careful. It's been a major breakthrough for me to acknowledge that I deserve happiness, not (self) punishment. Is why it's been so important for me to accept my feelings as is, without judgement, to allow them to just be.
Sometimes I still feel obligated to apologize for "feeling" the wrong way.
Today is a difficult day where I'm honestly struggling to feel safe and in control. And having trouble accepting that the struggle is ok. That it is part of the process.
Trying to find compassion in myself amid this sense of what I *should* be doing, or how I *should* react to things, instead of just observing and allowing things to just...be how they are, until feelings pass.
I have nothing to prove.
Just trying to...be
And not have a meltdown.
Just another day that ends in 'Y'.
With regards to Saturday's check in, and what was in my box...
If I could, I would pack up the vast majority of my childhood (especially the primary school years). The abandonment, the abuse, the rejection, the constant torment (both from others and self inflicted), the racism (oh, the racism...), the loss of the only parental figure (dear Nana) who ever accepted me unconditionally (never truly grieved for her, she was just...gone, and so was a small, isolated pocket of security), other things that go bump in the night and still have me looking over my shoulders and jumping at the slightest breeze which I can't put properly into words without putting myself at risk of dissociating and dissolving into mush... everything I ever internalized and indicted myself for. The burden of shame for ever existing in the first place.
It's a pretty heavy box, at least to me. You might need a forklift to carry it. Union rules.
Re: the racism,
I've been triggered recently by the uptick in coverage of racist incidents, police violence, far right organizing etc and it has dredged up previously dormant memories of the daily torment that I suffered as a child (etc), when I was one of the only non white kids who moved into a white working class neighborhood, the first many of them had ever seen (this was the mid eighties -- since the area has diversified significantly). I learned the n-word (etc) from a pretty young age. And when to run for my life. And how to fake a stomach flu to avoid school because I couldn't handle another day of being a perpetual target...
There's more, much more, but I gotta be mindful of stirring the memory pot when trauma is involved. Just going there that much feels like it's too much. And I still harbour a sense of utter dehumanization embedded deep down.
And unsafe.
@melliotm
I'm so sorry you're childhood felt like an unsafe place.
I can recall racial tensions during my childhood but I didn't know how to discern them and I thought it was socio-economically driven.
Also, boys can be so mean. They see something beautiful and they must destroy it.
@themainjane Thanks, Jane. Boys can be horrible, horrible. Especially when the mob mentality takes hold. Anyhow, it helps somewhat to use this venue to purge some of the mental buildup.
@melliotm
Yes, it's good to get it out. Glad you got fed, etc. Self care is difficult and taxing and can seem pointless. But it's not pointless so good on you for acknowledging that and doing it anyway.
ATM I feel extremely stuck, overburdened by my inability to face the day ahead. Haven't heard back from my psychiatrist's office yet about rescheduling the appointment (which was supposed to have been today) they cancelled, which probably means that I should be proactive and call...the prospect of which I find terrifying at the moment.
Also have long-neglected household tasks to undertake, lest I risk incurring the wrath of the roommate (who is not a morning person, nor, it should be noted, all that wrathful -- my view is heavily distorted by my condition, as are my reactions -- I KNOW this and yet...). All of this has me blanket-forting and legit afraid to even leave my room. Breaking down my day into bite-sized portions feels like a daunting endeavour in and of itself.
Fear. Naked, abject fear of wretchedly mundane and benign things. Nothing seems to be working -- can't seem to find the self compassion to counter the seemingly all-consuming inner criticism today.
Trapped. Stuck. Only making things worse the longer I delay the inevitable.
Update: Tried doing things. Failed miserably because that is how I roll. Spilled dirty cat litter on basement floor, couldn't leave a message with my psychiatrist because the clinic nurse is out of office till tomorrow and had her voicemail set to not accept messages.
I just should have stayed stuck in my fort where it was safe.
Feeling a bit less Doom doom DOOMY doom doom doom. Made myself ham and BBQ chicken with cheese on a bagel. And I managed to brush my teeth and wash my face.
So there's that.
@melliotm
Sounds yummy! Less gloomy is always a welcome feeling.
Challenge:
1.Acknowledge your feelings. They are real so validate them! The person who tells you Oh just tell yourself not to be sad- dont you just want to hang them by their toes? Its okay to have feelings and when we try to stuff them or ignore them it can make them worse. So acknowledge them. Im really feeling……. 2. Use logic in the situation to help turn it around and make things more realistic. One thing feelings do is make a bad situation feel worse. What is causing the feeling? Can you reframe it? Can you find a solution? Can you just acknowledge that although it feels bad right now it wont feel that way forever? 3. Support yourself. Give yourself some love. I will get through this. Its going to be okay. Be your own cheerleader. Now again this wont always fix things but it will hopefully help you get through some tough moments.
Thus far, it's rough going.
It seems like my worries remain ephemeral, a general, all-consuming sense of disquiet. I've had to struggle to leave my bed, much less the the house this week. Thus, i find myself increasingly isolated, avoiding both socialization and necessary errands (made it to the store for milk and a few other essentials this morning though -- including a frozen pizza for comfort heh).
Am trying to remain compassionate to myself throughout this experience. Emotional flashbacks remain a huge factor in my current state of mind. I'm at a point in my journey where long-dormant feelings and traumatic residuals are coming to the surface after I buried them for years.
I'm doing my best to accept the feelings as they come, and to show kindness to the traumatized part of my psyche as I ride out the mental storm. I'm proud of myself for remaining sober (and thus present) during this difficult period. Pain is all part of the healing process, draining as it may be.
All that said, this feels...awful. It's so hard to remain present in the moment (much less handle adulting)) when you're experiencing terrible feelings that have been displaced by time. Especially when they come from a time when you were small and helpless and didn't have any sense of control.
When five minutes felt like forever...
I know that this WILL pass. Just wish it would hurry up. And that I didn't feel so alone at the moment.
@melliotm
Feeling alone is one of the worsts. Definitely contributes to feelings of hopelessness, futility, staying stuck. (For me anyway). Altho it would seem that maybe you are actually in the midst of processing something? Commend you for that, for facing your fears.
Dont discount the big step you took by going to the store tho AND picking out something to comfort you!
WTH happened to 7Cups is it even going to be around next year?? Glad I didn't sink any money into this data mining tar pit. Oh yeah xoxo u know who you are too bad I can't find any of you because the brain geniuses in admin (or what's left of it) ditched the feed and now followers. What a sad joke; no wonder nobody's laughing.
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@melliotm
good to see you, my friend
@themainjane @NoneTheWiser thanks folks nice to see you both. Just thought I'd take a few last rides on the Titanic before it sinks lol. Literally every day somebody quits or gets fired and admin shovels the same bullshit about how this is actually good and healthy like don't people come here to escape gaslighting? Ah well. Nothing lasts forever etc. I cant say that 7Cups was a good website. Gawker was a good website. Splinter was a good website. Deadspin was a good website. But it had some good people.
Glen is a herb. Just wish his continued folly wasn't so impactful for so many vulnerable people. Fuck it.
F
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Lol just noticed that Cups COO Merline Saintil had quit or been ''"let go"" a few months back. Wonder how much the cost of poaching her from Yahoo! Mobile has contributed to current financial difficulties. According to various job boards looks like they were actively seeking a replacement for her back in July but gave up. Anyway corporate press releases seem to provide more transparency than what's left of admin, just an FYI.
Godspeed, Merline. We hardly knew ye (literally).
@melliotm (if I didn't know better I would say that 7Cups is unlikely to be around by this time next year, but admin has promised in no uncertain terms that 7Cups will survive the anthropocene and a SV tech founders' word is bond!)
lmao she's at another tech health hub and seems to have scrubbed 7Cups from her CV hmmmm
