Rantings and Revelations ~ TW
This is going to be my space where I can vent and rant and
put a voice knew understandings. A place where I smear my secrets on canvas so
I gain better perspective…or just have a place to go when I can’t go anywhere else,
and my brain and memories are haunting me.
…TW: Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Self – Harm, Eating Disorders, Sexual Assault...
:) I feel so much better! :)
The obsessive thoughts are gone! OMG - thank god! I was losing my mind with that! Just took over my life and mind! LOL - I can laugh about it now, but it was Pure hell! I am still debating on if it was something got sent off in my brain due to those drug interactions - or - if it was literally me pushing that trauma stuff away so hard and it just took over my life. I guess I might never know, but what is important is that I finally have by brain and life back!
In about two hours ( no pressure or anything, lol) I am " supposed" to read my journal out loud. I am so nervous. But to be completely honest, I do not think I am even going to try to do it. I am scared, actually. If all that crazy shit Was in order to push this memory work away, I can not Imagine what else my brain will do to keep me safe. I don't even know if it Is safe to talk about it.
Maybe I am giving this fear too much power over me? Maybe in order to escape this hold it has on me I have to just squeak out - something about it, anything about it - just start. And out loud. Maybe I will just read the first paragraph or two... the stuff that has Nothing to do with him or memories of him. No feelings - just safe bullshit I wrote to skirt around the subject. If I can just get That out - it's a start! It's me saying, I can do this! I have the power now.
My heart is pounding just thinking about it...about reading it, even the safe stuff. I wish I knew why this was so upsetting - so beyond upsetting, Why I have been able to tackle talking about, processing, and having so many new memories unfold - about my dad. Ugh, I wanted to Not name him just now, my dad. I am resisting all the damn trauma work it feels like. I feel like I have taken such a huge step backwards - or seventeen billion! I just want to walk away from all of this and pretend that none of this happened to me. None of this is real. Everything is just fine.
Expect it did happen. And my life is so messed up because of it. But that seems so far away. I am having such a damn hard time holding - any of it. At all. I can for a moment and it runs away and I am left feeling: nothing. Numb. I am left feeling none of this even happened. How the hell am I supposed to process this when I am like this? How am I supposed to heal? I guess a good start is to do that which I do not want to do - what scares me so much: read it. Out loud. ( I know I won't read all of it - nothing about him or memories about him.) But yeah, make that first step at reclaiming my power - open my damn mouth and speak - anything. Something.
Therapy was a no-go. I mean, I went , but nothing came out of my mouth about him or that. I tried, she tried, we both tried. Total shut down. But strange in a way - it is like part of me is in control of the memories of him and that and refuses to allow me to talk or think about them. I need to figure out what's going on. This is so hard to explain, but let me try:
Just now - I am trying to only explain what happens to me when I get too close, or actually, even just try to think/talk about it and everything is wiped clean from my mind. ahhh, no - I Am going to explain this! It feels like there is this mental wall that is impenetrable. I try tp push past it or around it and nope - nothing. I don't know what the hell is going on. It's like this is not even a conscious choice. I do not get a say in this. I Want to explain this and be able to look at this and feel that relief from processing and sharing it or even think of it...GONE. Fuck. Imma try again..
Like there is a part of me that is protecting me from this shit. I try to pull a very conscious memory that I am aware of and everything goes blank. Nothing there. I no longer even care. Nothing feels real anyways. Detached is the word. So not even interested. Blank. It is just gone. But there is this conscious ( did it again - blank. i swear im going to just keep trying...) push back...this force ( dont know what to call it) that is NOT , Under Any Circumstances - going to allow this. But it's not like...mean or cruel or angry in any way - just very ...protective - so powerfully so. It is like it ( it? what Is the right word for this?) ..blank...hold on....it keeps yanking everything away. and im left here like a dumbass .
Trying again. What the hell am i even trying to do? hold on, going to read this. going to figure everything out. got it - i am getting this feeling like - def protecting me from it - this far away warnings kind of that I will d/ie or she will d/ie ( mother) if she tells. but its more than that theres something else..bigger. can't get to this. ( this is exhausting). feels more powerful than me - wont let me in. can't know.
i asked, why can't i know. fucking wall - i cant do this. i feel so crazy - i really do. what the hell is going on?
she told me to try. to do this. she - therapist. to try and talk to this part me of that...blocks , doesnt allow anything - i can literally feel like this shield of energy - actually tangible - that just keeps everything at bay. sfae and away. i know it is not a field of energy - i have not completely lost my shit. but i swear it feels like it.
can't even talk to it. she asked me to try - to journal about it . thats why i was here i think. i talk to it(she/him/it/Alpha Omega of my mind). got a lil probably of something, ikd.
Everything is just gone, poof. i want to read everything but im just so tried actually. like it takes everything to battle myself and try. thta's what it feels like: a battle between myself. i think it can come forefront in my mind. that which i battle. what pushes me away from - everything. cant hold it. it was directly threatened - just a bit. therapy session, she was saying...something, i dont know.
let me think...oh - about about how when i let out stuff about the other him ( yes, i see what i am doing) it felt like a relief and i was able to process and look at it from a different perspective, free myself a lot, and take all these positive steps and felt better . how it's okay to do this with this him and this stuff, too - and other stuff- i dnt remember the other stuff - and " it" almost becomes my perspective BUT its like i am there but watching...is that the right way to explain this??
it's perspective becomes mine, yet I am somehow there with my own opinions and perspectives but unable to make decisions or do what i want to do - it and it's perspective is the one calling all the shots as i kinda am present and just have to wait and watch - but in my head watch and wait - for my turn again...if this makes any damn sense.
i am wondering if i have just lost my shit at this point. if the drug interactions messed up some part of my brain. except this stuff happened before that - just didn't try to have words for it or pay attention. cant look.
@blissedNblessed
I figured it out - "it" is me, but a different part of me. Apparently in more control than me ( me presently here sitting, typing thinking) because "it" can stop me from going there but i can't impose my own self will on "it". And both parts, of me, have totally different thoughts and wills and ideas. But it's me - so how is this telling me what to do - if i am all of this - its all me - i should know how to talk to it and relate to it. and i need to stop calling, it, it. It feels offensive. how do you even talk to a part of yourself that doesn't want to talk.
im quite aware i sound like i need to get right back on those psych meds, lol. I do not know how to understand and figure this out and Do what she asked me to do for homework. it wont let me in. i cant touch anything. it stands so far away...but so close, too - ugh.
I do not want to read or look at what I wrote yesterday. I am aware of what I was trying to do. But I also know that sometime today I have to...try, again. To figure this out. To do the homework she asked ( the homework I want to do so I am able to hold and speak this memory - so I can stop running and just finally heal from this shit - to start to). I have to read to her my journal/conversation with that part of me that is keeping me away from the memories of Him.
Since I can no longer say the him's names or relations ( ugh, giant steps backwards) I am going to refer to the " safer one" who is still in my life as him and the Big Unsafe one as Him. This will help me keep shit straight.
I have not even Started my homework - it is due Friday in the morning. 2 days. 2 days to figure this shit out. To hop on Word and journal. How do I even start? How do I even explain? Maybe if I can make some progress on here, open something up - some dialog or conversation or some opening into figuring out what is going on - then I can finally journal this.
I do not want to show up to another therapy session and not work on my stuff . I am so afraid I will lose my momentum to heal and work through this abuse stuff that I will just not go back to it - just stop right here and give up and go on with my life. I do not want that - I want to heal, I Choose to heal. I will somehow...figure this out. I will keep trying again.
So here I am. Another chance at cracking into what is going on. A perfect time. Have time alone, sitting here with my morning cup of coffee. Relaxed. Wanting to do this and not wanting to do this at the same time. God - I have such a complex way of self - protection. That I can self impose another part of myself to shut everything off and down and keep myself from that part of myself - that knows and is doing everything in it's power to keep me away...from ..myself. From knowing. It is almost like another extension of that war on myself.
In other news, I am sort of shutting myself down. I have so much going on in my inner world that I have no clue how to talk about - and takes up all my energy to think about - that I have sort of ..just stopped talking. I stopped texting my friends, I stopped returning calls. I do not even check my Snapchat. I have gotten off my tiktok and fbs and pretty much - all social media except this: is this social media yeah, probably. But I also just...stopped talking to or interacting with anyone on here, too.
I do not even talk to or interact with my aunt. I know she is concerned. Everything is just too much and I do not want her to go through hell dealing with me. I have not even signed her Valentines Day cards but she has given me, mine. I don't do much of anything except stay in my room, watch movies and sleep. I feel myself shutting down but do not know what else to do.
I tried calling my shrink, to let him know I am off my psych meds. He picked up but on accident - I heard talking in the background. He must have been busy - but no call back. I emailed him. Explained what was going on - asked if it was still okay to meet once a month - or once evert two months, still, even though I can not take meds. And that I understood if i can't because since I am not taking meds nor can i - that there really is no point in him seeing me. Nothing. No reply. No email. No call. Nothing. I guess that is how near 17 years of working with him ends.
I have to laugh, I just checked my skin - it felt hot - thoughts leapt forward to sickness and death. I am NOT going there! I turned that shit off. If I am dying, I am dying. If I am sick, I am sick. I am making the appointments that I need - I am not going to use all my energy thinking about it.
And there goes any hopes of trying to ask myself questions and get close to any memories about Him or even think of Him. I am going to go do the dishes leftover from the night, and put on a movie to numb my brain, clean up the kitchen a bit ( bottles of spices strewn all over the counters - looks so messy) and then, I will come back. Maybe attempt this again. Probably. yes - yes I will. I want to do this.
You're not crazy. This isn't going to happen over night though. They need to trust you - they need to trust that you can handle this memory - that it won't break you. They need to know that it's safe now to let it out. That noone can be hurt physically. That noone will d*e. They might not talk to you right now but alot of times they are listening and paying attention
@mytwistedsoul
This is so hard - because I Do feel that I might d/ie from telling or looking at it - or someone else. And I do not eve know why. It is so very frustrating. And I feel like I am...failing, the homework assignment. It Should be easy, right? Sounds easy enough - guess not.
So, the " key" to all of this is just making sure that " it" ( again, lol, it needs a name) won't stop or let up not allowing the memories unless it feels that I am safe to hold them? And won't d"/ie? Cuz how am i supposed to do that lol, bc I do FEEL like that. Unless - That is from it - to keep me away?
This is all so , well, new ( sort of , okay - not really but new at looking at this). I wish she would tell me what is going on and how todo things instead of just saying, go do this...then I cant and feel like a failure.
How did you do any of this? How did you start? How did you even know?
I don't know what I am doing but I am going to try again. Need to have Something on word - lol - to not " fail" my assignment/homework. LOL - im studying at the university of therapy, apparently.
@blissedNblessed You're not failing :) but I know what you mean and you're right - it sounds easy and it should be easy but god - its not :/
It could be that they genuinely believe this will happen if you tell - someone may have said that if you tell - this will happen. Um - is this abuser gone? Like you know - gone. Sorry if I trigger you with that but this can be helpful if they're gone. If you can prove that they are beyond hurting anyone that way it can help convince them that this person can't make good on anything they said. Other than that - you'll have to get to know them - build trust. If your therapist is understanding of DID then she will understand. These things take time. Just like a relationship with any other person. But they could also be doing it to keep you away from it. Alters can influence things. Thoughts and feelings - which sucks so bad :(
I wish they could tell us too tbh. But everyone is different. What works for one person might not work for someone else. The biggest thing is communication. You have to get to know them and they have to trust you to share this. You can't demand it. You can't force it. The harsher you are the more they might retreat
Here we started communicating. But we're still working through trauma though and not all are willing to share so easy. The trust isn't there yet. There's one who doesn't talk at all and one who won't work with the therapist and hates me - well - she seems to hate everyone tbh. All this time in therapy and she's only said two words to the therapist. I'm running out of ideas to try
Just start slowly and gently. Like introducing yourself to a new person. Ask if they have a name. Ask if they need anything. Ask if they know you're safe now. Let them know that the abuse has stopped. Be patient. That's the hardest part. Canvas has a really good post that might help alittle if you want to look at it - no pressure though ok? https://www.7cups.com/forum/TraumaSupport_60/DissociationDIDUpdated_2335/StabilisingpartsUsingIFSUnblendingforDID_270724/
It's something I'm kind of working on here
People who don't have this - don't really get how hard it is. They seem to think it's easy. But you wouldn't walk into a room full of stranger and start making demands ya know? Those people would shy away from you or tell you off right? It's same thing - just inside your head. But it's just as real
@mytwistedsoul
I read this yesterday but I couldn't write back - it was So strange: I knew that I knew you, that I talked to you and wanted to talk, yet at the same time, I didn't know you nor did I know how to talk to you :/ It was hard to recognize and connect with you. So I just waited ... took me a while to even feel like me again - but thank god, I am now.
Yes - that abuser is gone - gone as in d/e/ad. And no worries - that was no trigger. I see what your saying about this , him no longer being here - how it is something that will help. But there is this fear that somehow - he is more powerful ( just as powerful) beyond the grave. Ugh - never ends I guess.
My therapist said she has worked with DID before, yes. But she has said nothing about giving me that diagnosis. I don't know what is wrong with me, besides the CPTSD stuff. BUT - I am noticed her alluding to stuff and I just don't come out and ask her. Though, I guess I will find out more tomorrow because I just copy n pasted what I wrote in my journal while trying to talk to that part and just...lost my shit?
Does it sound...from what you have read and what you know about me - that DID is something she might bring up? This is all new to me - having some sort of words and theory about what experiences I have...maybe it's just me dissociating? No clue.
Makes a lot of sense that there must be trust that is built up - can't just walk into a room of people and start making demands - yasss, I totally get that! How long did it take for you to work on the trust and communication?? And ugh, why is this not easier??? I hate it.
Thanks for the link! I copy n pasted the info for me to read again when I feel more able to. I tried to read it and just got ...idk, needed to stop reading it. But I want to read it. It just gets overwhelming.
Can I ask, what is the worst parts of this for you? What is the hardest? And how did you even come to find out you have DID? And now that you know and can navigate a bit ( I know you are still struggling with it - especially with the one that doesn't wan to talk in therapy - she, the angry one) do things make more sense to you?
@blissedNblessed Hey :) no worries I have days like that too. I shy away from people here - like I know them but yet I don't - if feels like I dont
I'm glad it didn't trigger you - I tried to be careful. If this is another part - it could be a younger part who believes that he's that powerful. It all depends on what this person said - kids can believe alot of things - magic and witches and wizards. You can believe alot of things if you hear it often enough
It's kind of like if you don't ask - it makes it less real? You want to know - but yet you don't. Because once you know you're stuck with it. She's probably just trying to see what happens - observing. Paying attention to little things that might mean a switch. Manners - postures - words - any differences really
She could bring it up. Its hard to say tbh - it sounds like a possibility though. It might be a subtype
You're welcome :) tbh I have to do that alot too. I have so many things to read but some days I just can't make sense of anything I'm trying to read. Thank god for book marks
For me - the worse part is trying to keep everyone happy. Which probably sounds horrible I guess. Time if someone else wants out. Some like time out but others don't. Triggers are hard too because they're different and they can be anything. Tbh - it feels like my life is not just mine - its theirs too. The fighting all the time because we did not get along. There's still fighting but its not as bad. We have what we call a war room. We try to keep things to work on there - problems and disagreements
The bits and pieces of conversations. The voices I was hearing - in my head. A kid laughing or crying - that was horrible. Finding myself places I didn't know how or why I was there. I don't like tomatoes lol - But one of the others - Logan - he eats them like candy. Not knowing people who said they knew me. They know one of the others. My grandparents used to tell me I did this or that and not remembering anything - but knowing now - it makes alittle more sense
I hope I didn't freak you out with any of this - sometimes it feels like I could write for hours about the BS that goes on here some days
I called my dad back - finally, today. It was a really nice conversation actually. I think not taking to him or returning calls made him think that he might lose me in his life. He was ...nice. He said, he loved me. Asked me to call him soon and that he wanted to see me sometime. He talked but less talking at me. Not quite listening to me but not quite talking at me ...as much. He's trying.
I don't think I want to get him out of my life . I think I am going to stay in his life...but his bitch ass wife was talking to me bc my dad told her she wasn't answering my calls. So she was talking shit, basically - trying to fake nice to be manipulative. Kinda feels like he stood up to me to her, in a way. She went out of her way to point out my family is my aunt and her family is them...long story - not worth discussing.
I was going to try to do something towards journaling here to kick off something - anything - to write in my therapy homework. I do not want to just say, again, there is nothing and just not work on anything - again - and waste Another session. But fuck it - everything is a wall. I can't do it. I can't even sit here long enough to try - my attention is everywhere else but here.
I feel like I am back, now. It's like I have been hijacked the past few days - ever after the last therapy session, actually. I read, today, what I had written while not feeling like myself and I am.,.shocked, actually. Especially bothersome is when I was writing a paragraph about how I felt like such a failure for not being able to do the homework and how upset I was, then the next paragraph I'm talking about how I am fine and I don't know why I am in therapy.
I remember going through all of that. And I remember the HORRIBLE feeling of not being able to process or take in anything that I saw with my eyes - like all the info was going to someone else but it were my eyes that were being used. And the powerless " waiting" for my turn to be in the forefront and finally return to making decisions and feelings. And at the same time, feeling another part of me but that part was not " me" yet still "me" but not really. Ugh. It was actually, really scary if I did not feel so disconnected and could chose my feelings from the me perspective. But that eye thing - that was horrible. And that was not the first time, was the first time I tried to pay attention or put words to it.
I am worried about attempting to even talk about him or the abuse stuff with him. I am so scared that it is going to happen again - the stuff I wrote about. I am also scared because I couldn't write up anything in my journal for her, so I just copy n pasted what I wrote here - that crazy dissociated ramblings and descriptions and hell I went through. I sounded like I lost my mind, I know. And I threw it in word and emailed her my post.
But Then - I carefully re-read it - not just skimmed it. And I sound certifiable. And I walked around for days like that! What the hell. What the hell is going on with me? And I am so scared now to try to think about him because I can't have that happen to me again. I don't want to go away ( in my head) anymore. I don't want to be dissociated ( is that what was going on? What Was going on? I really don't know) to That extent - ever again.
I am not scared, per say, to have my therapist read this. I am : embarrassed, worried she will find something wrong with me and also worried that this is going to keep me from processing my stuff and working through everything. I am slightly...just curious to see what she thinks when she reads that. And I am Very Much Worried that she might want to trigger me into getting, "like that" , in our session tomorrow, so that she can see what is going on with me. I worry that I might get stuck " like that" and never get me back again.
I have noticed, from reading my past posts to help me figure out what is going on, that I have not spoken about my abuse in a Very long time. I want to attempt to - even mention it, anything, acknowledge it. Not so close that I have a replay of what happened before - but enough to make progress so I do not fall into staying in this ..denial?
I have my therapy session today. I want to be able to work on this and move forward and not stay stuck in this - need - to put myself in denial and not look at this . Maybe if I can talk about t, in some way, I can get rid of this part of myself that will not let me talk about him and what he did.
I am going to just write some easy stuff about him. And I will stop when I feel too much push back. Maybe I will not get any at all? I can hope. But if it gets too close to feeling dissociated, I am going to have to stop. Need to stay clear and focused - need to not dissociate.
I feel it , IT, the dissociating, starting already. I am going to try to explain what I am thinking and feeling as I do this, as I try to write a bit about him and the abuse. He abused me. I do not know how many years - I do not remember when it stopped. Let me guess: about 10 years. Okay, in honesty, it is more like 11 . Years. 11 years. Maybe 10, idk. ( my head feels like it is getting fuzzy).
Things I wish I could tell my therapist: TW , I'm sure.
That he was acting so loving. So manipulative - wrapping his abuse in sickening sweet words. False intentions. There was this moment. I can't say what he was doing. I Can't. But I moved. Was going to fall over - lost my footing on the bed. Standing on it - kept in this frozen silence, this Intense fear. And then - guilt. Self blame. I was so little - so fucking little. I don't know what age - my guess has always been 4 - but my timing , it's so off, I have no recollection of ages. Just the present moment experience of it.
He was doing something ( there is so much guilt) . He started somewhere else and I knew the exact moment it all turned wrong and bad. Those face kisses - didn't last long - moved somewhere else. To everywhere, to where it never should be: was the first time. I remember the dark room - the guest room - the room that was mine when I stayed over. That horrible room.
Was going to fall over - I moved. I held onto his shoulder to keep from falling over . Moved my feet - my legs so I would not fall. The GUILT for that. He just had ...better, access to me in that newly moved position. I thought it was my fault. I thought he thought because I moved and made it easier for him to hurt me - I thought that he thought I wanted him to do that, that I liked it or wanted it. He acted like that - said something about it - what? I don't know. Got so much worse from there.
I can't say what, what was going on. Too much shame and guilt ... and something else. "It" - it doesn't want me to. I am talking in this way, this cryptic safe way. Need to get this out, but have to in such a way, a way that will not make " it" turn everything off and make me go away.
Why can't I talk about it? I am talking about it. No, I mean why can't I talk about it? I just realized what I am doing - I stopped writing and put on a movie and started watching it. Just up and left this writing. Now my brain goes right to: just go to bed. Go back to bed. It is 4 something am now, already brewed coffee. Started my day, did the dishes, have a huge list of crap to do for the day.
Ugh, I am pushing this away. I see what I am doing. Wanted to talk about the abuse stuff. I am sticking to this, safely though. My brain is going through every reason why I Want to stop writing, talking and thinking about this. Every reason I need to stop. I want to just close out of cups right now. What I am talking about is starting to seem so far away. I don't remember what I was saying. I don't want to go scroll up and read what I am talking about. I will try later.
I had my therapy session today and she , the therapist, did just what I was worried about: she kept talking At "it"/she/me/whatever I call it ( no offense to " it", I just don't know what to call it). So much happened in this session I do not know where to start.
First, she was Talking To it - like, directly, I could tell what she was doing. So could she ( it). Was like this battle, no- not battle - like a tug of war going on- It wanted to be there, but I didn't want to let it - then she/it didn't want to be seen ( so therapist wouldn't know). I do not think I said more than a few words the Entire session. But - it Was productive .
My therapist was was letting ( us?) know that she would never talk about what I say about Him with anyone else and she wouldn't even take notes if ( she/it) I didn't want her to. She ( therapist) was very soothing when she talked and was trying to make her/it feel comfortable and respected. It really helped actually. I could feel it/she letting up her control over trying to be ' in control"/forefront...trusting the therapist , well, not trusting, but seeing she was not there to cause harm or get anyone hurt. She/it could felt- listened to and honored for what it does...not trusting yet, but a step in the right direction.
She/therapist suggested going to my safe place" ( like, this mental imagery) and asking it/she to come with. Then trying to talk there. Maybe that writing was too threatening - evidence written down. I do not know if this will work but I am willing to try.
My therapist didn't say anything about what is going on with this stuff and me but she kept talking about where/what the part was probably formed/born from ( I tried to write where it does come from but it won't let me).
She kept saying parts actually, specifically , parts: plural. I think she thinks there is more than the one I was talking about - describing - in my homework. Because she would refer to it as a part but then talking not directly about that "one/it/whatever" she would talk about partS that I have. Um...I do not know of anything going on other than the one. And she was using specific language: parts. This concerns me - but I didn't ask her.
I didn't ask her why she said plural and I didn't ask her what is going on with me or if this is dissociating or something else. I couldn't ask anything because all my attention and energy when into to staying in the forefront and when I couldn't, I was just trying to maintain - some semblance of sanity.
...why did she say, parts? What does she know that I do not know?
She also said, she could tell that it was hard for me to stay present. I think I might have asked her how she could tell...said something like she couldn't - but she knows I was having trouble with that from what I wrote...or did she say, what I said? I don't remember everything.
I am not sure where we left it - trying to get me to talk about even easy abuse stuff was impossible today. But she really spent the time trying to tell me its safe and she's not going anywhere and its important to build trust with that part and it's okay to take time to do it.
I keep writing in here and it wants me to erase it. I am still, "me" ( whatever that even means, I do not know anymore).
And oh, my dad did put his wife in check and stood up for me. She called today saying she saw that I called ( um, I didn't though) and is calling me back and some shit about doesn't want my dad to think she's not answering the call - lol! But this bitch called 5x Since This Morning - and its just 2:00 now. Then, my sister called! And texted. I have not returned the call nor text yet.
I just checked the text - crazy bitch is saying i am calling my dad and hanging up and refusing to answer the call when he calls back. I called her on that bullshit and she backed down and said might be her moms phone. uh huh. thought so, lol. I just dont have time for this shit.
Now she wants to call me on her way home from work ( to talk at me n tell me all the stuff she has n money she has, ugh) Ad wants to smoke sesh with me - I do not want to but all i feel i can even say is yes but then make excuse why i might not be able to...
My brain is getting a bit foggy now. But eyes not doing that weird not mine thing so all is okay. But I can't concentrate. I feel like I am trying to take in the session and think about it? idk. everything is complicated and how am i even going to work around this writing issues of pronouns for it? Jumbled thoughts. Its taking too much effort to try and type.
