Rantings and Revelations ~ TW

Okay - I got an hour sleep. Thank god. It helped. Even that one little hour, I am so grateful. I just can't seem to calm all the thoughts and fears and anger and sadness and all the overwhelming feels at night, at all. I feel so helpless at night. I hold my stuffie so tight, sometimes two of them. It is never enough - to help, to sleep - to calm everything down.

I am going to start taking more care of myself: taking my meds ( not overtaking or undertaking - taking them as prescribed). I am going to drink water - every day. In fact, I am drinking water right as I type. I have gone so long without water I am so crazy dehydrated. I didn't even realize I was not drinking water until it had been so long without it and I just couldn't bring myself to even try at that point. I honestly don't know if that was just neglecting myself, my depression, my anger, a way of coping or self harm. But I am done with that - water Every day now, even if I have to drink our shitty tap water , which I do :/

And no more of this, just surviving each day just to make it to another day and ...just waiting until I die. There Is no joy in my life but things are going to be different. I am going to write a list of things that used to or could bring me joy - and try at least one of these things a day. Not to overwhelm me - but one a day. And I am copy and pasting this into my home journal and then Emailing this list to myself so I have it on my phone at all times!

Things that used to bring me joy:

sketching the human figure

painting with pastel crayons

Writing poetry

Reading poetry

Readings books - I have just started a book about toxic families and how to get out :)

Learning a new language or skill

Learning new cultures

Learning how to cook food from other cultures

Listening to music that is uplifting/ inspiring/ motivating, not music that drags me down

Meditation

Wring a daily gratitude list

Watching films that are so raw and powerful that they change who I am because of watching them - for the better ;)

Sign up for meetup.com and go to an online event or class - first baby step - sign up, then star all the classes/events that I am interested in, then join one, then go to one! ( I have already bookmarked the website on my computer).

Getting back on my tiktok - I have a steady stream of empowerment vid that come to my page and all positive ppl that I follow

Doing my tarot card readings

Making new essential oil blends - starting with one that is healing or uplifting!

Reaching out to old support and old friends that I have isolated away from

Getting back on FB - I have such a support there of people and groups that uplift me

Mantra music - always made me feel better - going to start listening to that again

Going through my old reiki book and doing exercises, doing reiki for myself ( and others) and visualizations for healing

Doing visualizations, hz healing music, meditation, affirmations, positive thoughts as I am winding down for sleep and while I am stuck not sleeping

Painting my nails - doing nail art and being creative with designs and colors

Doing things with my hair again - like wearing my hair piercings or braiding my hair or coloring my hair - purple sounds nice :)

Getting Out of the house - I know I can not be around a lot of people bc my health right now, but my health will not improve if I am so damn depressed and never go out

Adding thigs to a list - not a bucket list because that reminds me of death, but a lit of things I want to do in my lifetime - reasonable And outrageous - because , why not?

Researching writing opportunities and contests - writing And then following through with submission

Listening to loud music and taking a drive without knowing where I am going or why - and roll down all the windows - even if its cold! LOL

Watching NEW movies that I have been or am looking forward to watching - Power of the Dog, is one of them!

Listening to opera music - it insights my passion for life. Even if I can not go in person right now, I can still listen to it at home :)

Doing henna tattoos over my SH scars - making beauty where there was hurt

Pondering - only one negative experience at a time, ofc, but holding that upsetting thing - and looking for all the good things that came out of it - not starting with major traumas ofc - but like, I was treated like shit and hurt, yes...but out of that: I learned from them who I do not want to be and I gathered by own courage, strength , resilience, compassion for others and empathy.

Reading philosophy, especially about emotions . One of my favs: J. Krishnamurti has one called, On Fear. I need to read this again :)

Adding new music ( finding new music) to put in my inspire my soul playlist on Spotify and listen to That instead of my Pity Part for One playlist - lol

Dancing - I know why lungs are not what they used to be so I can not be the dancer I once was - that that does not need to stop me from experiencing the joy of dancing - even if it is only in my room :)

Decorating my bedroom so that it is more inviting - happier to be in. Add beauty to my walls

Taking baths with soothing music, doing nothing but relaxing, using candles, scents in the water, bath bombs, bubbles, oils, body scrubs, no phone - unless it is for music, my favorite scented soaps and shampoos, and a pampering face mask :)

Learning Mandarin Chinese - I lost so much of what I did know and I want to know more...I want to be able to order in a Chinese restaurant ( eve though it is just take out now) and do it in Mandarin and have a light conversation ...lol, I made such cool " friends" doing that ..not to mention, free egg rolls - lol

Taking the time to pick a favorite scented lotion ( or making one with lotions and my oils) and with self love, self compassion, kindness - allow myself to connect to my body again and lotion all of my skin.

Put things in my room that remind me of the light in the darkness and the light that I AM. Hopeful things, strong things.

Finding a way to express and vocalize and release my anger - that energy- and get it out of me. Honor it and sob if I need to - aunt's house rules of not showing emotions - be damned!

Finding new poets and poetry to read

Rereading my favorite books by Deepak Chopra - they ALWAYS made me feel so empowered and so good...then reading some of his new ones that I have not yet read.

Finding a new favorite author that helps me to feel strong and empowered.

Wearing jewelry again, eve if it is juts a ring, at first. Learning to adorn my body, respect and care for it - not be so afraid of it, punish it and hide and disconnect from it

Movement - whatever I can do - a stretch, some yoga, dance, a small slow walk outside - just learning to move in my body again

I think healing is so damn hard - but I have been making it so much harder by keeping myself in this desperation, joylessness, powerlessness, rumination of all the pain - over and over again. Not expressing my emotions and trying to stuff them down. The guilt - the self blame - fuck that. I think things are going to be better from here on out. Not all the time - there will be so much pain for a long time, I think...but I can feel that pain and Still do things that help to sooth and lessen that pain and also to honor that pain, honor little me and acknowledge my strengths. I have some hope today. ❤️

I have so much to say! So much has happened! Good stuff - Finally!

But I am so so so tired ( also, finally) and took a nap before dinner ( another, Finally - slept). So I am going to try ( lol, try) to make this short - good luck bliss. I did notice, taking the nap...that I am scared of sleeping in the dark. Even holding my stuffies was not enough to keep the fear at bay. This is semi - new. Since the abuse came up and I have been working on it. I sleep every night with my tv on - I told myself, I need the background noise to sleep. But then I turn down the TV - of mute it, but keep it on. Took the nap tonight and didn't turn o the TV - was going to make it so that for sure I got some sleep. And then it crept in - the fear - the uncomfortability. Because it was dark while in bed, trying to sleep. The anxiety. That - I am a full grown adult but I can not sleep in the dark anymore. Little me's influence, I'm sure. but this is okay - I will be soothing her - keeping the TV " nightlight" on. Self compassion. No judgment. Caring for little me, for once.

The anger has subsided! Well, no - the anger is Still here - but it has morphed. It is calmer, more palpable. I have somehow found a way to channel this anger from this overwhelming chaos and looming threat to a motivation to keep me safe and stand up for myself. I do not know if this is going to last - but I am going to work on it so that it does. I directed this anger at all the people in my life that talk AT me, talk only about themselves, do not listen to me. ( I flipped out on my best friend - only friend, really. Because I thought she was doing that. She Does...and she did - but I know she shows me she is there for me in other ways). I have started to direct it at my sister. At his family and in a distant way, started to direct it to my dad. And to my uncle. The abuse. I stopped directing it to myself.

I spoke with my aunt today. We had a real heart to heart talk. I asked her about what her parents, my mom's parents - were like growing up. I told her that I need to know this. It influenced my mom's life, my moms choices in men ( my dad), My life- directly. She, for the first time ever, sat down with me, was vulnerable and open and talked to me.

I learned about my mother, how my grandfather was an alcoholic and physically abusive - she said only to my uncle though - but I do not quite believe that. Too many family secrets - I know she will not out it all. I asked about why my uncle was such an asshole. She doesn't know - at least not from me, about the abuse from him - but she knows I never liked him. And my other aunt stopped speaking to him ( another family secret that will never be unearthed). I brought up how his daughter outted him and accused him of sexual abuse and continual rape when she was a child.

When she accused him, the whole family turned their back on her. They refused to believe her. That pissed me off so bad because he was sexually abusing me for 9 or 10 years ( I am not quite sure of the exact time it stopped - so, 9 or 10 years...sadly, possibly more). I tried to tell my aunt, many years ago - that he did the same to me - she freaked out, said he didn't , said she didn't beleieve me - and I ended up having to say that she misunderstood what I was saying and told her no, he never did that.

This time, talking to her about him, she was open - and the way she looked at me , heard me - asked me why I said I KNEW that he did in fact do that ... I knew she was receptive and open to finally hearing and accepting the truth of what he was and what he did - and she wanted to know. I did not tell her. I have not fully processed my uncle's abusive with my therapy or in my mind and heart - I was not ready to tell her. I have not even named him - the " other he" as my uncle in therapy yet. But I am ready to. I am damn tired of covering everyone's abuse to me for them - keeping their secrets and holding Their blame and shame as my own. This anger is helping me to do this. But I feel that when and if I do tell her about my uncle - she will accept it.

I also found out that he went into the seminary after high school - but left and refused to talk about it with anyone - ever. Another family secret. But my aunt says she and the family thought - he was sexually abused there. I am not allowing his abuse he went through to minimize or justify all the years of him abusing me - and his daughter and all the other countless children he abused...and he did - he forced me to look at the pictures of them that he took - and hear about them. Horrible memories. But it helps me accept that all of this shit did happen and makes it more real - yes, another progression to the next level of real - like the rings of hell.

The talk with my aunt about paying me for the work I do for her , went surprisingly well. I was accepting to get hardly anything for it ...because her issues and fear and obsession with not spending money... even though she has it - not rich, not lots, but enough to budget and not worry so much. She offered me a lot more than I ever thought - per week, for the stuff I already do - she didn't add anything new for me to do. It's not a huge amount, but enough so I can meet my needs that I normally can't and to have some wants - smaller wants, taken care of. And if I save, I can but a pair of shoes - I only have one pair right now and they look like shit - so worn. I am feeling very greatful. For the money, for the chance at being able to meet needs and some wants. And for her opening up and showing compassion.

I think, no, I know she sees me working my ASS off at trying to heal. She doesn't know about the sexual abuse, or if she does - its guessing and not being sure - not wanting it to be sure or true, I'm sure. She thinks I am just trying to find a way to detach from my dad and his family's grasp - walk away and heal myself, my life and move on and forward. She sees my freaks outs and meltdowns, she has seen the evidence of the day I severely self harmed. I can't hide it. She looks, but doesn't say anything. She doesn't need to - her face says it all. She sees my seething anger , my depression. My daily struggling. My tears. And how every week, 2x a week - I faithfully still talk to my therapist and work at getting better.

I also got a valentine card from my sister. I send one to " the family" and to her, every fucking holiday. I never get one back from my dad - ever. I never get thank you from anyone - or acknowledgment that I have sent one. I don't know why, but I texted my sister ty for the card. I asked if she got mine. She said yes. No ty - and she wouldn't have said anything if I had not asked.

In the card itself - was just like her texts - all about her - and passive aggression and aggression. She talked all about the stuff she has. All about only her. And the said thank god we were not deathly sick from covid and got better - when will we see you though - who knows?! - BITCH. Fuck her. I read her nasty card and just tossed it in the trash where it belongs.

I am forcing myself to drink water and I have been all day. I know I will get some good sleep tonight - I hope I can sleep through the night . But even if I only get 4 hours or so, I am thankful. I got some chamomile tea for tonight - to ensure I sleep. ( Yay! I was able to buy myself some tea to help me sleep!). Yay my aunt is appreciating all that I do for her. Chamomile tea works like a drug for me - and near instantly. Its crazy! I tend to fall asleep half into my cup! No kidding :p I also have chamomile oil that I wear at night that does the same thing - I am so super sensitive with that. I should have remembered to try the oil days and days ago! But at least I remembered now. I am also forcing myself to take ALL my meds - as prescribed, too. Even forcing myself to use my inhaler that I just kind of quit using.

Well, that is it for tonight. I am super tired and going to take care of my body and sleep. And use my TV " nightlight" and my stuffies to fend off the fear of sleeping in the dark. Today was a good day - the first good day in so long that I lost count. Today - I have hope that things are going to get better - that I am on the road to healing and that I can and will, heal. And that I can and will separate - cut off ties - to that family and finally end the abuse that they are still giving me. Standing up for myself.

Had therapy today. It went well - was not triggered at all - no memory work to do. Talked about all the good stuff in my life right now, my progress. But then she asked about if there was a memory associated with me fearing sleeping in my bed at night without a light. Shit. There is. A HUGE one. One I have always remembered - never forgot. The worst one - well, one of the worst ones. So much detail. I remember almost, Almost - I did dissociate a few times - everything awful, terrifying and horrific thing. And ALL the emotions - yes, they haunt me all the time. I still have nightmares about it too - I still get flashbacks of this and it just pops in my mind for no reason to harass me , still. ( I am sure there is a trigger, I just do not know it).

So much for being able to skate through the hard stuff and hang onto happy shit, lol. But - I am glad, too. I am happy she is returning to the hard stuff, to memory work. If she hadn't - I do not think I would have brought this one up in therapy - so hard to talk about. I told her there is NO way I can just speak about it - I try but my mind goes blank right away. I asked her if I could write it and email it - in case I cant get it out in words, out loud. She said I can email but she is holding me to reading it out loud, even if it takes multiple sessions.

FUCK - I honestly do not know if I can read it out oud - too many horrifying memories and emotions. Too much happened - I do not know how to sort through it. It was not one single event - it was a horrifying LONG string of things that happened all damn night and into the morning - it was endless, it just never stopped. And so much guilt - so much self blame....

TW - Start: It honestly didn't stop . When I thought it would, when he sent me into the the bathroom when he was finished with me - told me to clean up - it started again, in the bathroom. And then put me back to bed - and again! And I know the sun was coming up as I was finally left alone. He went back into his bedroom and his girlfriend, who knew what he had been doing to me, screamed at him. They fought so loud and for so long and I thought - it was because of me, because of what I did. She was mad at me. The guilt, self - blame, I got him in trouble. They both hate me. I caused this fight.

And in the morning - later on ( maybe afternoon) when I woke up to him coming into my room I saw staying in - was More blame and guilt put directly on me. My uncle was taking the sheets off the bed and I remember - I can never get this out of my mind - all the blood on the sheets. My blood. It is seared in my mind. It pops up sometimes, often actually. Just that image. Then he started taking the sheets off the bed, told me, " look at the mess you made. But it's okay, I will hide them so you won't get into any trouble". He balled up the sheets - and hid them behind the dresser between that and the wall. TW END.

I do not know how I am going to write and speak all that happened - it was the worst experience , that I remember, with him. Never ending. So much guilt, blame and fear. Endless . So much Disgusting details and things that happened - so many conflicting feelings about it. I felt and still feel so much damn guilt - for the way I moved my body maybe made him think it was okay? The blame for messing up the sheets with my blood. Just so much screaming at me. So much that fucks with my head so much - emotional chaos. I know I need to process this one - I just thought it would have been far later than sooner - and the time is now.

Well - so much for therapy not being triggering. LOL. It has already started - just thinking about this upcoming session and the homework of what I have to write . Ahhh! I am not even thinking about the fact that I have to Read it Out Loud with Words, out loud - say these words, out loud. Whenever I even attempt to think about this - the feelings rush back . And his face - and the room . And quite honestly, just pieces of the damn night keep replaying over and over in my mind and I just want them to stop.

I am not even going to attempt to journal here about that memory - I can't. This is going to be one of those times I just journal on word. I have noticed myself getting more and more anxious as the day rolls on by. I have been keeping myself super busy since the appointment. I am also getting upset and making this huge deal over everything that is slightly upsetting me today. I was billed an egregious amount of money - I hope to god it is a mistake - I wanted to call them and take care of this Right away - but by the time I opened the bill - the office was closed and tbh, I am fixating on this. Ruminating. I know I am doing this to focus these upsetting feelings onto that because it is safer. And as long as I am obsessivly thinking about that stupid crap - I have less time to think about the memory(memories) of that ight that I have to talk about.

Am I even Ready to do this? This was going to be the very last thing I was going to talk about. I know I am ready - I do. I have coping skills, I have that list of things to do to add some joy to my life, I am being more kind and soothing to little me. I am not self harming, and I am forcing myself to check in with myself and drink water and make sure I take meds - correctly. I am even sleeping again - with the light on from the TV.

This makes me worry about how sleeping will be ...and especially after writing this out and omg - saying it out loud and expressing the feelings. I am hoping that it helps more than opens up Pandora's box. I mean , if I already am having trouble sleeping from this memory and now I have to write it and work through it - will I even ever be able to sleep again???? Okay, yes, yes I will :P In fact - even it the floodgates open and the emotions and memories consume me - I still know that the darkness will end and I will come out of it, stronger. This is what always happens. I will be okay. Little me does not think so.

Even as I just sit here and type - not even discussing the events directly, I had images that keep flooding my brain, things that happened are replaying in my head like little mini movies. Please, please - just stop, brain, stop doing this to me. I know I am safe. Little me does not feel safe. I feel like he is standing over my shoulder - like, right now. And I hate this.

Maybe I need to stop , take a break and distract myself with something nice, some self care. But I am obsessing over my daily to do schedule and how much of it i have not yet accomplished and i need ( want) must - get it all done tonight - lol, wait - I KNOW what I am doing! If I make myself finish this schedule, all of it ( I do not have enough time to get this all done and it does not even have to get all finished tonight) .. then I will have no time to sleep. Ah-Ha. I get it. I know what my brain is doing. Now that I know this , I need to find a way to do something different. Or maybe go with it because it is protecting me from something in some way.

I can feel a sort of panic starting to kick in. I want to be ready for this, I want to do this! I have waited my whole life for some relief from this. And I know that writing and facing it and talking about it will - EVENTUALLY , AFTER THE FALLING APART AND BREAK DOWN ( oh yes, I know that there will be one with this - shit is already starting to fuck with my head) there will be relief and healing. The shitty part if that I have to go through complete and utter hell first before the healing comes.

Maybe I should not even attempt to write this until closer to my appointment day. I do have 2 more days to do this. I do not even have to write this out today. I think I will hold off today - I will attempt this tomorrow and then add anything else that comes up as it does. But even not writing this today, it is in my head, ripping apart my soul and the overwhelming feelings are looming - they are coming. I am doing my best trying to keep them at bay. But I am confident that I can and will keep myself safe through all of this...I think, I hope. No, I am committed, I will.

Okay, I am done obsessing over this...for now at least. I might have to come here and pour out more crazy thoughts and feelings later on tonight ...it does help to et some of it out of me and place it here so I do not have to hold as much.

Oh god - I do not want her to read it and I do not want to write it and i am so tired of thinking about it - it is not fair that I do not even have a choice but to think about it - it flashes through my brain, unwelcomed. I wish I could just go to sleep now. But, cooking a very late dinner for my aunt right now. Bwahhaha, I am so dragging my ass and can not seem to coordinate time at all - so this dinner is taking hours to make - this is crazy. It is 7 pm and it is not even ready nor near ready. And I still need to go run to the store to get my sweet betta boy his water conditioner.

My head is starting to feel weird and my eyes are so blurry - weird, right? Why are my eyes blurry. I have not been crying. I am tired but not that tired. And I am not high, lol. I wonder if it is degenerative eye disease - or glaucoma - or I am going blind. Yes, I Can laugh at myself for taking a body symptoms and thinking it is the worst possible scenario...yet - a big part of me believes it. Again - probs me on some level focusing on anything - frantically grasping - so I do not have to think of what is already assulting my brain. ( Am I going blind?)

I can't even spell right now, It is hard to think. Almost like I am using all my energy to push this away and I am losing the parts of my brain that are normally used to even figure out how to spell! Like, I honestly am nit even bothering to correct some of these words that are not being fixed with my computer correction bc I just can't remember how to spell them.

I nee da distraction from this - it is all too scary. I am going to go grab that water conditioner for my sweet fin baby! Im outtie!

TW: I can't even pinpoint where in this the TW are - things are just popping up into my memory, new things, old things, revelations. So, TW, just saying:

I slept like a baby! LOL! ( With the light on, ofc.) I actually tried to see what it was like, sleeping with the lights off - not a good idea. Lights went right back on. But it's funny - even with the stuff that fills my head and those, I don't know what to call them, mini movies- I guess, that play in my head- I can't seem to hold the memory when I want to.

I need to write the memory up but every time I try to even hold the memory - it fades, my mind goes blank and I cannot touch it. I feel like I am almost in this denial that nothing happened even though I am very much aware of it happening. I am sure this is some sort of unconscious protection mechanism - but it is so frustrating. I am honestly not sure if I am ready to do this, if I Can do this . Maybe it will all come tumbling out once I sit down to write and open the door.

I also realize that I have NOT named him, I have just named his relation to me. And when I talk about him ( I did it again) I do not say his name, I say, " him" or " he". I even at times can say, " uncle"...but never his name - never what I called him. That seems too much, too threatening. Too real. Too scary. I almost tried to name him - right here, right now - but I backed away. Somehow naming him, His name, what I called him will make him real again. Somehow bring him back and bring back all the memories. Will make it too dangerous to tell. He will punish me for that. I almost hear and feel him warning me not to. His face - I see His face warning me not to tell.

I am having a crossroads moment - a Labyrinth moment - one path: the path of not naming him and keeping myself under his control. The other path: naming him and reclaiming My power and taking it away from it. Saying, finally, " You have no power over me". I know the path I want to chose but it is so threatening, so scary. Like, I do not want to battle him directly.

And my brain goes right away now to checking my skin to see if it is hot - I feel like I have a fever. Then I worry that I have covid. Or I am dying in some way. To the blood test I have tomorrow - all the fears of what it will find. Dea*th, dyi*ng, sickness. Easier to focus on that then him. Wow - holy shit moment - that thinking and fearing my own dea*th and facing my d*eath is Easier than facing, him. That is saying a lot about how much I fear him. What he has done, my feelings around it and thinking about him again. Still such a threat to my very existence.

But if I am d*ying, then don't I want to d*ie knowing that he has won. I do not want to go out not naming him and being under his power my entire life. And I was wrong - my therapist asked if he was loving towards me. Because she had said something about how love is kind, gentle..blah blah ( haahaa, no defense mechanism happening here now) and I told her, that I had a part screaming back as she told me this. It was saying, No, love is pain, hurting, violent. Everything opposite to what she was explaining.

TW probably: She asked me if , when he abused me, was he saying he loved me ? I immediately said, no. I went right to thinking, that he was just like my dad - taking, hurting, violent, angry. And all of that Is true but I was also wrong: He was " loving". In that sickening sweet abuser way. The way he played the abuse game of pretending his bouncing knee was a horsey to ride - but it feeling bad and wrong - and he asked me, " Does this feel good?" . ( Like he was doing a fucking Favor to me - like he was doing this For me, not himself.)

The way he stood behind me and rubbed my shoulders as I colored Easter eggs, saying what a good job I was doing - and used his hands - I just remember he has these scary BIG hands- and would move from my shoulders down under my shirt to touch my chest. ( Random memory: In the shower - I know I was older than little me because it was a shower and not a bath - but I was not developed at all - how I touched my own chest with this curiosity - the way they did to see Why they did it ...I never understood why they did - what was it about? I never could figure it out.) So sweet - so " loving". So horrible. How he How he did the most atrocious things to my body and asked if I liked it, does it feel good and how does it feel. How he always called me his princess. That he loved me, that it was, okay. How he kissed me in such a wrong way - all over, and even though I knew it was bad and scary - his words never matched my feelings. Like his abuse and my terror and despair was somehow wrapped up in some pretty little package with a bow on it - wrapped in such loving words. He hurt me but said he loved me - this must be love, right?

How in the showers I had to take with him ( so many shower memories) and had to use my mouth - "this is what you do when you love someone". All the, shhh, it's okay. And at the same time - the scary angry looks, and the scary angry warnings not to tell. He was not aggressive and violent - I perceived him to be scary and angry - I assumed that when he was abusing me and ( this so hard to say:) he was having orgasms, that the way his breathing quickened and his voice became what I thought were growls and scary angry noises, I thought he was angry, angry at me. Reminded me of my dad. He got so aggressive then - what I thought was angry.

But he was aggressive me cruel, too - he didn't care that I hurt...how when he was raping me in that guest bedroom of his home that I would sleep in when I stayed over, and just move me around on him like I was nothing but some rag doll - object again. And every time he pushed me forward my face would slam into the headboard - again and again, so hard. And all I could concentrate on was maneuvering my face each time in a different way so that when it slammed into the headboard, it might hurt less. I remembering my face just slamming into that damn headboard so hard - hurting so bad on my face and down there - my whole body in pain. But all I could do was to try to make my face hurt less , each time - trying to turn my head in different ways hoping each time I would be less hurt - I never was. And the bruises and marks on my face from that. Another thing to cover up and lie, to keep secret - it was my fault, I was bad - I always thought that. It must be my punishment's because I could not understand it any other way.

He used his anger too - when his fake loving wasn't enough to control me. He had such a bad temper - especially when he drank. He was always drinking. When I turned my head when he was showing me those pictures of the other kids - the polaroids - same kind he took of me - the bad kind. I didn't want to hear what he was saying about them, I didn't want to look at them. He got so angry - made me look - used my fear, used his anger, his aggression, his angry voice.

I am going to be sick - I am going to throw up. I feel it coming up - the need to throw up. I have no food it my system to throw up - it is bile coming up. And...everything goes out of reach...again. Far away from my grasp. I cannot hold the memory - any of them. They are gone. My mind is going right back to the fever I am afraid I have - the diseases I might have. Think of this instead, it is safer - it keeps the bad away.

This is not something new - but I am newly putting this together - the going right to fears of illnesses and death. The Conscious decision to think about that instead of the other. This has happened before. Not about abuse, but about a trauma all the well - about my mother: my fears of her dying, her sicknesses , the screaming wails of the ambulance, the machines and tubes, the angry beeping noises, her impending death. The " H" word ( I could only call the hospital the " H" word - ever since I can remember - it was the " H" word - my aunt had brought that up to me before, how I could only call it that. I called it that up into high school, through freshman year, possibly sophomore year. The " H" word.

I remember the thoughts of my mother and her sickness would swirl around and flood my head. Taking all my thoughts over, scaring me so bad. I could not think about it - it was too terrifying, too threatening. ( I am literally getting dizzy thinking about this. I am glad I am sitting down - my head is blurry and fuzzy - and the dizziness.) Fears of her would crawl into my head like little bugs and this desperate need, NEED, to make them stop - so I did. I would make them go away by tapping things , turning the lights on and off, counting, saying the word - " NO" over and over until the threat subsided. My magic way of making it all go away. To return to feeling safe. Over and over until it " felt right or felt enough". As I even say this, compulsions are coming up for me to do this again, to say, " no" over and over to make all of this go away. To repeat words over and over until the thoughts are gone.

Yes, I had OCD - really bad. It got so out of control until I was spending more time doing the compulsions than living freely. It was so bad - text book OCD. Health/germ related. It got to the point I started wearing gloves like some younger version of Howard Hughes. To protect against the threatening germs. I could no longer function. It was eating away at my life, whatever was left of it. And the panic attacks - hyperventilation, the fear that I was dying. This took over my life - I need to make the bad scary thoughts go away that bad - all the time. All the time.

One day, I was watching, LOL - I am aging myself - Oprah's talk show on TV. She had on this author of this book called, Brain Lock: OCD. Free Yourself From Obsessive Compulsive Behavior ( by Jeffry M. Schwartz ). And I knew it was time to get my shit together - I could no longer live like that - that was not even living. So I bought the book. And I read it - twice. I decided I was going to work every step, do everything it said to do in order to " free myself from OCD". And I did.

I told myself, each time those horrible and terrorizing looming threatening thoughts would pop up in the guise of an obsessive thought about me being sick or dying - I would say, " It's not me, it's my OCD." To realize that none of my fears would come true if I did not push away the thoughts with my compulsions, my counting and saying words over and over until if felt enough, felt safe. Enough to push away the thoughts and fears that lay underneath those obsessions of health and sickness and dying and germs.

At first, it was almost like saying this became just another compulsion - but it felt like such a welcomed relief from having to do the compulsions I normally did. Because all I had to do was say this. And just once. Like a magic word to make everything go away. But then, it started to sink in, what I was saying: This is NOT me - this is not real - nothing bad will happen if I do not follow my fearful thoughts ( and all that lay behind it) with my compulsive actions. That my brain was l=kind of , stuck, in this pattern. And I could break this loop if I could just hold back enough to see that if I didn't do those things, my world did not shatter - nothing bad happened, I was still safe.

It took...about a year - a year of continuing to do this work - say those magic words and follow through without actions- to finally make Most of my OCD go away. I had some freedom back. Now that I think about it , I worked my ass off on this. Tried so hard with such fervor because I was trying to save my life. Looking back, I am so damn proud of myself.

I still today have OCD tendencies. But I do not fit the criteria anymore for an OCD diagnosis. ( Yay me!). But times like this - times of thoughts and memories that are so threatening to my very survival - it still pops up. Right now, I want to make it go away - thoughts of my uncle ( ugh, I can not even use his name yet) are making me feel this NEED to say, " no" a certain number of times - until it feels right, feels safe enough. I am not doing it. Okay, secret: I did say, " no" a few repetitive times when I needed thoughts of him to go away - when I felt too threatened writing about this - things got too close. But I stopped myself. I have that ability now when my obsessions come up and my compulsions start - I can stop the behavior ( the compulsion) in it's tracks and Know I am safe and nothing bad will happen if I do not do it. But I hate that still - so many god damned years later - I still have this all come up. I still get caught up so afraid of a thought or feeling that I do start engaging in these compulsions again. I am so sad for myself that these thoughts and memories and fears have such power over me.

So back to what I was Trying to get out - to take out of me and look at - love. That it is not harmful and manipulative, angry or violent. That saying abusive things and doing abusive things in a loving way with loving words does NOT constitute love. God - he has fucked me up so bad. I think this is part of why I accept abusive from my father and his family still to this day. Because maybe that Is love. Maybe their cruelty is a way of showing me they love me. They would not hurt me so much if they did not love me, right? They are showing me they love me enough to spend so much energy trying to control and diminish me and hurt me. If they didn't, they wouldn't try? Or the lies of, I love you" after they spend the day trying to destroy me. Treating me like an object, making fun of me, not letting me do what I want to do - putting their power over me, talking At me, refusing to let me into any room of their house but the kitchen ( like some untrained dog that might wet the floor). Not even allowing me to use their bathroom - " there is a McDonald's down the street". The, " don't give her any water- she is not using my bathroom, she is not coming into my house - his wife).

All the times - every damn week of visiting in the summer - out in the garden in the searing heat, sweating profusely, no escape from the heat ( can't go in the house). No water all day and I mean, all morning, afternoon and night - he would not want me to go home until around 7 or 8 at night. ALL damn day in that heat, sweating, so thirsty - can't drink anything because I have nowhere to go if I have to pee. I can't use their bathroom and it's the pandemic so I can't use the McDonald's bathroom - the inside is closed. Of having to hold in, needing to pee - all day and night, until I finally got home.

And god, I can't believe I am even admitting this, I am so ashamed - but the times I peed myself in my car because I could not hold it anymore and I could not get home in time. And this - all this shit, as a fucking ADULT. I can't believe myself - I can see this now - clearly. Just now, I am serious, I see this for the First time for what it is: abuse. I allowed myself to be abused by them as an adult. I blindly and powerlessly followed their rules and hatred. All the while, my dad never sticking up for me.

The closest thing to sticking up for me my dad ever did about the bathroom rules was One time - when his wife has spoken in Spanish to everyone - my dad, my brother, me and my sister - ( bitch thinks I can not understand Spanish just because I refuse to speak it because it is so god damned triggering): that not to give me any water because I can not use her bathroom or go into her house ( it is My damn father's house, bitch) all he did was secretly steal a glance at me and quickly shake his head no, telling me silently with that look that I can have water) and offered me a bottle. THAT IS ALL HE EVER DID TO STAND UP FOR ME ABOUT THIS CRAZY BATHROOM RULE! I didn't accept that water. I said I wasn't thirsty - I was so thirsty! ( I didn't want to drink it and have to pee and have nowhere to go. I didn't want to pee myself in my god damned car).

I am literally crying right now because I get it, I finally actually get it right now. This is abuse and I allowed it. As an adult. I was so warped from all the god damn abusive I grew up with that I accepted this as normal. Well, I knew it was not normal - but it was normal for my dad and his family. I accepted this as just how things are and that yes, he still loves me - he offered me water. Accepting scraps and being grateful for them - it means I am loved. But this is not love. They are all incapable of love. Of loving me.

My sister gets so mad at me and says I'm not trying to be a part of the family - but no one - not even she - treats me like I am part of the family. I do not even want to be part of that family again. Speaking of sister - she texted me 5x yesterday. I didn't answer - and even right fucking now, after writing out how abusive they are to me, in the present - I feel this pull to hurry and text her back - pacify her, to stave off her being angry with me and retaliating back. I am so enmeshed into the victim role - into accepting abuse. Misinterpreting abuse as love. I want to cry because this is all I knew - this is all I know . This is as close to love from them that I ever got or will get. And it is so far from love. The Only person that ever loved me in a compassionate, unconditional, safe way is my mother. I miss my mom so much. I miss being loved. Being safe.

TW: eating disorder stuff

These memories and feelings that are starting to come up - slowly... these, realizations about my family and also this memory work about my uncle, is so damn threatening to me that I am noticing myself running and clinging to everything - anything, to just not feel - to cope - to make it Go Away.

First it was the OCD coming back - but I was able to get myself to NOT go there - not go back to that. Then, I noticed that my eating disorder was coming back ( it never goes away, does it?). I started obsessing over how many calories was in that light yogurt this morning for breakfast. How I should not have eaten it. ( And now I feel I have to explain myself - to justify eating at all - I only ate the yogurt because I take medicine for blood sugar and it makes it drop so fast). I was googling " thinspo" on my phone, looking for new inspirational wallpaper - and went right to pics that said things like: " don't eat you hate pig", or " I hate you fat pig". I currently have that on my phone now - but I am going to take it off.

I have to make my aunt the dinner she ants and it is full of carbs - so I planned ( even wrote it on my daily to do schedule) to puke after dinner. I ran and got scale batteries to make sure I go back to weighing in every day. How fucking fast this shit comes sliding right back into my life. I even took so long debating on if I should have a cough drop for lunch because my blood sugar was low and I was shaky. I debated so long because it had sugar ( and 10 calories). And it was made so much worse with catching up on my snapchat and seeing all my crazy friends posts about their diets and what they are eating or not eating and how much they have lost ( yes, I have a lot of " acquaintance friends" - I don't really have friends - that all have eating disorders, ugh!

And then I read on this astrology app I have, something, I do not even remember what - but it clicked something together in me: I am in therapy, choosing to go through such hell , in order to move forward into a happy, fulfilling and mentally/physically healthy life. And what am I doing? Going right back to what Destroyed my life and wasted so many ( So many) YEARS and years of my life in complete hell.

So wtf is the point of continuing to process my abuse and go through hell in order to heal if I am consciously choosing to go right back Into hell. That decision, to allow my eating disorder to once again take over my life IS a way of just pushing away the memories and feelings and all the ways it ruined my life. It would mean not feeling and not thinking about anything and not being able to heal because I am too focused on pushing it all away.

I chose - to heal. To not go back into the claws of my eating disorder. To not destroy my mind and body all over again. I chose to eat lunch, even though it was difficult. I choose to not count the calories or read the label. Chose to not berate myself for eating; to nourish my body. To have peace. To actively look at the feelings and memories of being abused by my uncle - as hard as it is.

I have not yet even Started my Word journal about the abuse from him. I don't know what it is exactly - but I find this so threatening to my very survival. I am pushing this away in so many ways - so much pushback. Old habits and disorders and maladaptive are ROARING their heads so strongly. I feel I have to be mindful of every thought, action and feeling so I do not get sucked back in! And Just Now, my aunt came in, told me she was going to have popcorn and I replied, oh great, thats very low calorie. WTF!

And just trying to not get back into the depths of my ED is so damn hard around my aunt anyways because she is so thin - and goes to a DIET group 1x a week : it's insane! All she talks about is how fat she is and how she is gaining so much weight and how her stomach sticks out ....Constantly being triggered. And every week she goes to her diet group and comes back telling me how much weight she lost. She KNOWS she is NOT supposed to talk to me about that stuff. She went to educational sessions, nutritionist lectures and family therapy with me when I was in my residential for my ED. They told her this - 100x over and she has never been able to stop - even when I was begging her to ( in the past). I just accept now that it will never stop . ( Never stop - just endure it - themes of my life!)

But - fuck all that because I am Not getting back into this hole of ED. I am not starting back up my OCD shit. I am not running from processing, thinking and feeling about this abuse from my uncle ( I could not even type in sexual abuse when it was next to who he is in a sentence - fuck). I know the memories - I didn't forget them - but I think I might have forgotten a lot more than I am aware of because this, THIS shit here, with my uncle - I have been avoiding more than any abuse from anyone else. There is something going on that I just can NOT handle. But I will. And I will be okay - better than okay. I will fight for myself until I not just survive - but thrive!

I feel like all I am really accomplishing today is writing here in my journal. I have so many battles going on in my head - but I am winning each damn one today ❤️And they are Big battles. I am proud. I am determined. I feel like today has been nothing but a battle. But I am a warrior.

I really need to start cooking for my aunt right now. Otherwise we won't be done with dinner until after 9pm like last night. But I can coordinate time today - I just have so much going on in my head.

I know my aunt loves me. And I Know I am a financial burden to her. And I feel so damn bad. I got bills in the mail today - so much money - unthinkable amount of money - due for what I have with my health and for therapy. She didn't even complain. And she had Every right to. And every right to.

I found out as well, that my therapy is out of network - I thought it was in-network. But she moved from my state to another and so it is Not covered - her page was just not updated with the new address- so I didn't know it would not be covered or I would have found someone else.

I saw this egregious bill. That it was not covered. And I just bawled my eyes out. I am really working so hard and I am doing so good - I Am doing all the work- I have finally started to trust her - she has molded her therapy to suit my needs like I asked. I am indeed, starting to healing and shift perspectives and see truths instead of my old narratives. I finally, just today - realized that the way my dad and his family treat me Is abuse. I have decided to cut them out of my life ( not now, but in the future...I am working towards that).

I no longer have massive freak outs, I am stronger with coping skills. I am getting things out that I need to and processing them. I am not putting up with friends that talk at me anymore. I am starting to stand up for myself. I am finding lost parts of myself. I am incorporating joy into my life. I have stopped SH. I made the decision I am not going back to my ED or OCD or SH or any other self abuse way to make the memories and pain away from the abuse I lived through. I am actually starting the healing process - even if it feels like shit - I wade through it and come out on the other end.

My aunt even commented today - unasked, that she sees a big difference in me and that she sees me working hard at getting better ( though she doesn't know why I am in therapy, per say).She said she even sees a big difference in me.

I can't do this all over again and start all over again with someone new. I can't. I just can't. She is working so well for me. I am actually getting this stuff out. I can't start again with someone new.

And my aunt said...she would pay it. I didn't even ask. I was all set to quit. I didn't even cry around her. She is NOT rich in any way - I do not know how she is doing this , at all. I am going to explain this situation to my therapist and basically, beg for a sliding scale fee so I can still see her 2x a week. 1x is Not enough - It's not. And omg - it's so much money. I feel shattered and so guilty - she is not even trying to do this to me like she normally does. But I can see it in her face...he worried on how to pay for his, her disappointment - her thinking this is my last hope at a life. I am so bawling. I do not know how I am ever going to repay her - not even money wise - but in Any way. It is just too much she is paying. She is sacrificing so much for me. It pains me. It really does. I hope to god that my therapist will understand my situation, and hers, and offer some sort of sliding scale.

Off to clean the microwave and then cook dinner - a late start - again. Why can I not time things lately? This is always been such a skill for me - that and multitasking. These days I seem to not know what the hell is going on.

My health worries are continuing - I have been worrying about having blood clots - but - this is a real worry ( yet a lot of it is also avoidance of thinking of the memory I have to write up today ). I have had a pulmonary embolism before - almost died. Was in the hospital for nearly 3 weeks. Still have to take blood thinners. And I have a blood test today to find out about if my lung issues are due to a specific type of asthma that is not treated by regular asthmatic steroid inhalers. ( I have been taking them and lungs are not improving at all). I am really scared to find out the results. If it is not that type of asthma - it might be a different cause - possibly heart or a different lung problem. I still have not taken my chest x-ray. They are also checking other levels of stuff I am overly high or low on.

I am worried they might find Another problem at add to my damn list of health issues - I am so damn sick of health issues. I feel and fear I am becoming my mother - not in her good qualities - but in her health issues. That has ALWAYS been one of my biggest fears. I want to get my health back - I want to be able to go out again - I want to be able to do the things I used to do - I do not want to live and die like my mother.

I have not started my damn homework for therapy yet , either! And it is due tomorrow morning. Today is the last day I have to do this. I actually woke up at 5 am so I would have time to start my day, get everything that I need to get done, done - have lots of cleaning to do all day so that I can get paid on Saturday. Plus, the blood test, cooking for my aunt and all the dishes. Not to mention the stuff I need to get done today for me. And still have time do write up that memory.

I wrote 4 pages so far - LOL - but none of it was even about that damn memory . It is important stuff - but still, it was avoidance of the memory she asked me to talk about/ write about/read out loud. Why am I having such a damn problem with this!!!!???? I actually think, and I do not want this to be true, that I am just NOT ready to divulge this memory or even look at it and process this now.

I have tried to write this so many times, I have tried to hold this but it just escapes me. Everything is coming up yet I keep pushing this away in every way possible, conscious and unconsciously. This is such an intense battle in my heart and mind. I am thinking I might just give her/read to her, what I did write and then work on processing the memory and writing it for the Next session - maybe she can tell me some ways to do this that could help...or, maybe I just really am not ready to do this ...yet. Even though I want to.

But, I woke up early - my aunt is not awake yet and will not be for a few hours ( which is why I woke up at 5am - needed that alone time to try to do this homework. I am going to attempt this again. This damn memory - this confusing and horrifying feelings. The guilt. The shame. The embarrassment. And if I can't - I will just have to accept my limitations right now and have some self compassion and work on, open up about and process slowly - start with what I wrote ( just a tiny bit about it) and each session, bring up a little more , until I finally get this out.

So, I found out that ( probably) my old behaviors of my eating disorder and OCD are coming back with a vengeance due to mood, thought and behavior changes which are a symptom of my pain meds that I am on. I never had that before until my dr upped the dosage. I checked the date I got the higher dose and it does coincide with when these changes started happening. Which is scary and a relief at the same time. Scary because I started googling side effects and relief because no, I am not going crazy or backsliding.

I am really afraid of what is happening due to these meds. I have nearly ALL of the bad side effects! And it is affecting my breathing - it is so much harder to breathe - it is so shallow now. I should never have been given this medicine in such a high dose! It Directly is known to affect lungs and breathing! And I have severe issues already!

I also have sleep apnea ( yay me ) : and my sleep machine tells me how many times I stopped breathing during using it. I am getting higher and higher amounts of stopping breathing in my sleep every night! Every night there is such a scary number! This morning I checked and it scared me so much how many times I had - and I only sleep for usual max of 4-5 hours - that is so damn dangerous , what it is doing to my breathing. And right now I am wheezing so bad. I am going to have to email my DR - THIS MORNING ! And email my sleep DR. I know this is super dangerous - life threatening, maybe ( at least that is what I have read).

And crazy behavior and mood changes: Like, I drive like a grandma, lol. I do because I was driving on an expired license for about 2 years . So I had to drive speed limit and obey every rule - copiously. But since the meds - I am speeding Everywhere! And not acceptable speeding, lol, - like going 65 down a 25mph street! And just not giving a shit - or cornering turns while speeding - it's crazy. And I am kind being a bitch to people when I perceive them doing me wrong in some way. So not like me - but I just don't give a fuck anymore. And sui/cid/al thoughts - yup, side effect!

I decided, since I can't get off them ( you have to wean off or I will go through those horrible withdralws again) I am only going to take ONE pill today. This afternoon. There will be immense pain tonight, I know. I won't even be able to sleep bc of the pain. I am dreading the pain...I can not function with that level of pain, I can't.

And if my therapist won't see me anymore - plus the pain - I do not know what I am going to do , to cope. I know without a doubt , I will fall apart so bad! Its like a damn double edged sword - both options suck.

TODAY WAS A COMPLETE AND UTTER CHAOTIC CLUSTERFUCK!

I am so upset, I am so anxious over this stupid ass shit today! I am so mad!

It started when I woke up to see my sleep apnea machine giving me terrifying reading of how many times I stopped breathing in my sleep - in Just four hours! My breathing was shallow, my heart had a weird pain, I had Severe anxiety ( this is ongoing - it never quiets down). My heart was beating too fast, I was SO drowsy ) not from being tired) and my eyes were blurry.

So, I checked side effects of this god damn pain medicine ( newly upped dose) : EVERYTHING , and I mean, Everything, that I was and have been experiencing : SIDE EFFECTS of this damn medication dose. Even my weird OCD popping back up, obsessive thoughts, the eating disorder shit coming back, my su/ic/dal thoughts, depression, the CONSTANT state of anxiety I am in, self harm urges, fuzzy brain and my inability to keep track of time, confusion, passing out when it took the meds with my anxiety meds, shallow breathing, the insane number of times I stopped breathing during my sleep - every damn night since getting them. dizziness, reckless and impulsive behaviors, inability to think about how to spell words, jumbled thoughts...ALL OF THAT: god damned side effects!

I researched - turns out NO ONE with raspatory issues ( and shit, my lungs hardly fucking function) should be given this medication - or at least NEVER at that dose. It CAUSES raspatory depression!

So, I email ( this online email service with my dr's office) the SEVERE side effects I was having. I hear NOTHING back. So, I called the office ( this is an emergency, right?). Was put on hold and transferred 3x, three mother fucking times. Finally talked to a nurse, explained - only a few symptoms ( one of which she was asking about were the behavior and mood issues) and she heard me say the past fleeting ( PASSIVE - will NOT act o them - do not have them now) su/ic/dal ideations. BOOM - I have a fucking knock on the door - a fucking cop, followed by more fucking cops, and ambulance and a firetruck! holy shit!

I had no idea why they were there - at first im thinking - oh, they want to make sure I am okay - this must be an emergency. Nope! Was because I fucking said the S word - god damn it. If I were suicidal - would I be calling me dr concerned about the side effects and trying to get off the medicine or see if it was fucking safe to take ???? NO!

Then, I called back - after they left, because my situation was not even addressed! Transferred 2x again, this fucking transferring shit. Finally talked to some random nurse...explained what happened and all she said, oh, do you want your old dose back? Well, fuck - the old dose did not control my pain - At All - I was in near Constant Severe pain! I would be up in the middle of the night, crying, taking cold, - ice cold - baths to help numb my feet from all the pain. Every fucking night.

Plus, since I just got This high dose filled - insurance won't cover another script for the same shit. And - let's see, it's almost 2:30 pm : I have heard back - nothing. And no, no script was called in. And the last time, when I was Out of pain meds and asked for a refill script to be sent, it took them 5 fucking days - 5 - to get it called in! By then, I was suffering from horrible withdralws! And its a BIG seizure risk ( and life threatening) to have withdralws from this medication.

I call Back the dr - making an appointment so that I can Discuss this shit with my dr...soonest they can get me in - END OF THE MONTH!' I can't wait until the end of the month. So here it is: no script for a lower dose, complete miscommunication about what happened and what I needed, and fuck, I am going to HAVE to take that damn high dose today so I do not go into withdrawal. But if I take it - I risk my life again with the suppression of my breathing and lung function! I am going to freaking cry!

I have to take it today - but I figure, I will take it at 3 ~ that will give it enough time ( I hope, I have NO clue what I am doing, I am not a dr and no one will help me)for it to wear off before I go to sleep. I am hoping - because if it doesn't , I risk my life again, tonight, by going to sleep. But it makes me so damn drowsy - I have to sleep. I should not be on this dose, I should not be on these meds.

Then - I sent a message to my sleep dr asking her to please read my machine recordings and tell me if the sleep episodes were in a very dangerous zone and if she thinks I should not be taking this medicine. NOTHING. I have not hears a peep from anybody! I just can't take this anymore.

So - here I am, having to take medicine in a little less than an hour - and I am terrified I am going to di/e/ Not just in my mind - but an actual life/d-ea/th threat to me - in all reality. I am so scared to take this - but I am also scared not to - either way is a HUGE risk - and no one is helping me at all. I do not even know what to do anymore. Even the ambulance and paramedics didn't take a look at me to see if i was okay, other than to test pulse and heart rate that were skyrocketed! No shit! Didn't even ask about my shallow breathing.

I don't know what to do! I know I am not getting an appointment until the end of the month - I can not continue talking such an adamant risk , every day, by taking this dose - nor, by going into withdralws until the end of the month.

OKAY: UPDATE!

The nurse just called - I have a telehealth appointment this coming Tuesday to discuss. I didn't even know because no one told me - I am being weaned off the medication. Well - fuck, ty very much assholes for keeping me - the patient - in the damn loop! They had no intention of calling in a script or calling me back! They assumed ( stupidly - because dr KNEW i was out of pain meds bc I told him that - which is why, 5 fucking days later, he sent in a script) I had the lower dose on hand! wtf? I mean, REALLY, that the fuckity-fuck? Now what the HELL am I going to do for pain? They are weaning me off - this takes time ( very dangerous withdralws) : but in the meantime - what the hell am I going to do with the severe and crippling pain???? Just endure it?? I can't - I honestly cant! It is THAT bad. I do not sleep, i just cry and take cold baths. ALL NIGHT LONG.

I am so going to have an earful for this dr when I talk with him on Tuesday! oh, and the nurse was all, ill let him know you don't have the lower dose ( he knows). But fuckers - my insurance won't accept another script for this medicine, I already have it for a higher dose - thats MORE non insurance, out of pocket meds my aunt has to pay for. She honestly cant anymore. Not with therapy, too! And they had no intention of telling me im weaning off - how would i know??? And what do I do if I can't get the meds hes going to call in??? Its going to be another BATTLE to be heard!!!!! And days of not being listened to. And even the nurse said, NO- DONT STOP TAKING IT - YOU CANT, YOU HAVE TO WEAN OFF! well, shit, they made me wait 5 days , before - fucked me up bad.

So, I do not know what to do? do i take the high dose today? Is it that risky? What do i do if i cant get the pills he Might call in? do i wait for some magic script to maybe appear by the end of the night? And if it doesn't, i can't take the pm dose because ill stop breathing in my sleep so may times. NOT to mention, all the damn side effects! So looks like I have to do exactly what they are warning me NOT to do - just stop taking it.

I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE!