Pigeon's Nest

Blah. *hiss* Not a good day today. WTF is up with people correcting me today. X_X; I'll cut excess stuff in a post or article for the sake of brevity and then someone comes along and decides to inform the world that somehow I've not said ENOUGH or the RIGHT THING.

URGH, seriously. I've gotta calm down. Venty McVentington over here.

Hello, readers!

Came back from therapy a couple hours ago. Was nice seeing my psych again. But the freakin' waiting room was filled with a loud family and a counselor who kept talking and blocking traffic, besides two other people. URGH, seriously. It didn't last very long... but I hate getting stared at by children or ANYONE for that matter. I wonder if people realize how obnoxious they are? I always worry about my own behavior and that can lead to me making some rather obnoxious behaviors(or so I think).

Anyway, waiting room and being stared at aside, I had a rather lengthy discussion about my other therapist. Ms. Marriage Counselor. I practically barfed my concerns and feelings about her out instantly. Another thing that I found was interesting was that she confided that she'd be okay with being my secondary if I wanted to work with her directly and say screw it to marriage counseling. Wellllllllllllllll, turns out that there's a conflict of interest so to speak on a professional level. He told me that it would be unethical if she worked with me on the same stuff, but if I wanted him to support me on something specific, then it'd be okay. Hell no! I want him to be my main. I don't see this counselor going on for much longer... was pretty blatant about that. I did say that I don't mind learning from her more, and I'd only want to continue if there were something of value or Puer made progress.

Lord, did I oust those things I mentioned earlier on here. The "trying to shove me through a tube" thing, her arrogance and bragging about her youth, her blatant intolerance for Christians. Flat out said what I did on here, including that I felt she was very immature. OMFG, scared that he's gonna tell her- but I'm pretty sure he isn't since he said I should bring up those things myself. Anyway, going back to the secondary thing... why it's so unethical is because having two different ideologies(which they are) work on the same person can put someone in the middle of a power struggle. So then the person becomes a battleground for them. X_X; I already mentioned how my psych's thoughts are on this, while hers is that I absolutely cannot grow unless I cut myself out of this and run away completely. No ifs, ands, or buts. There's evidence here, and otherwise that prove I'm growing and making progress. It's frustrating. I am growing right now, but I'm not thriving. Maybe that's what she meant? I dunno, either way...

More and more I'm the one feeling like I want to cut myself off from this relationship. I decided that I'll do a mixed session next time with half me, half him. She's good at holding the space and stating boundaries- but...like I said...she's immature. Which is funny because she's over ten years older than me. XD Anyway, she did spark revelations and I even started doing surveys to earn money and be independent. I'm getting my first check in the mail soon. Don't worry, I researched who to sign up with and made sure not to get caught up in a scam. I am thankful to her for that, for propelling me towards this- she does challenge me. But I wonder at what cost?

@CaloenasNicobarica

Wow cal... I seriously admire your strength and bravery.. I don't often post to others diaries cause I feel like I can't express what im thinking but I had to comment today because I seriously admire your strength!! How you were able to straight out speak to the secondary therapist about first therapist was great! I had an awful session with my new psych just on Wednesday but when I seen my doctor(she's great) I was unable to tell her how he just shoved me aside after opening up and telling my story to him.. Oh gosh now I am rambling on your post sorry!!! Anywho I hope you are feeling good about yourself because you are such an amazing person 💖💖💖

@calmLake1999

Hi calmLake! TY, I still feel like I'm simply just gettin' through the days. This is kinda weird, cuz I was over at your diary thread reading your recent stuff. I always get chicken when dealing with others on here because I might mistype or derp on saying things. X_X; So, I hear where you're coming from. When I speak up like that I go through this shock state where I can hardly believe it happened...then to this freak out state where I'm worried about punishment or something. Old programs die hard.

I'm sorry your new psych isn't very empathetic. It's a really tough place to be, but you can open up when you feel ready. I'm glad you at least have a compassionate ear with your doctor. :) It's okay to ramble on here. XD It's pretty much what I do. I know tons of wordy folk-, especially from my RP days. So no big! You're fine.

~Sending some positive energy your way.

Freaking out about the above. To a lesser extent today, though. Will bring it up at my next appointment with my psych for sure. I still feel very uncomfortable around the new lady to address these things. I mentioned the other stuff, but this stuff I feel is way too personal and not exactly cool. Something to simply keep under my hat for now. Watch and see, indeed.

Oh! This is kinda an aside, but I'm feeling better and getting much more sleep lately. Feeling like I'm getting my health straightened out. Even did yoga in the evening last night. <3 Hope things are going good or at least improving for the rest of you.

Had a draining day today. Looking forward to a restful day tomorrow and getting some stuff done.

My head was all in a mess today. After having trouble falling asleep, I decided to write in my journal. I read a few articles on the subject matter. How certain toxic folks "handle" apologies. I reflected on what a true apology/accountability was. Being able to pinpoint what one did wrong, and truly apologize specifically for one's actions...or some such thing. Not only that! Taking complete responsibility and NOT, I repeat, NOT try to flip it on the other person. There's so much flotsam in a fauxpology with these types. So many vague, yet oddly dismissive and out of place words or sentences. Kinda laughing about this right now...my damn writing feels like this. I'm half-asleep. X_X;

Anyway, I had to deal with what I call a "we-pology". Where the toxic person does something quite lacking in decency or in regards to human empathy. Gets you to "talk" to them, then proceeds to make it only slightly about how it's them, but how it's an US or WE problem- but "Oh yeah! BTW you were a jerk when you did this! How dare you!" comes up and is targeted at the person they've been assholes to.

Hmmm... so, we've got blameshifting, lack of accountability, minimization, outright manipulation of the conversation, and probably around three other mechanisms I can't name right now due to my current exhaustion. It's nearly 4AM here. XD

After sorting it out in my thoughts, I see how impossible it is for someone so emotionally stunted to even hold a normal conversation or interaction without some viciousness seeping out. The insecurity cannot ever seem to leave them alone. While I struggle with insecurities brought on from my dark past, I deal with it differently. Those insecurities are there, but I try not to project them onto other people. I level with myself that's not the right thing to do and it accomplishes nothing. While I am also admittingly emotionally stunted in my coping mechanisms and how my brain reacts to things- I realize that this is happening. I accept it and try to cope with it the best I can so I can one day be living more in that revered adult brain.

May positivity find us, and may we generate our own.

*sighs* Can't sleep. Had too much caffeine today. X_X; Not to mention my horrible sleeping patterns. I even took my OTC teapills that have worked wonders for me lately and I'm too amped up to feel a thing. So here I am. Restless. Can't really focus. Gotta do something.

It's been a bit rough lately. I've pulled through quite well, considering. My university account got put on lockdown and I had to speak with financial aid and jump through some hoops to solve it. Panic AF. Pretty bad. Then I pulled myself together, took some of my anti-anxiety stuff since it was really bad and faced the music. Continued life, albeit with procrastination stalking me. I feel quite a bit better, but then last night wasn't so good.

My secondary therapist is someone I just do NOT know about. Now I'm supposed to go into another session and have it about me entirely. I just...UGH. I thought it'd be him next time or us. Something about rapport- whatever. I get a bad feeling again. Like I'm wasting my time with this person. I do not want to drag things out like this. Whereas my primary guy seems to be working quite well- EXCEPT....

I nearly panicked in the waiting room this time due to it being crammed full o' people. Then when I was near panic and practically hunched over my phone and being all fidgety/nervous... this chick leaned forward and STARING at me. Like she was trying to get me to panic. I feel like it was very blatant. I've had problems with that chick before, believe she's the one who laughed at me for leaving the waiting room(due to anxiety)with her COUNSELOR no less. I brought it up to my psych before and he just said it was my social anxiety. However, I feel like this incident clarifies it simply wasn't JUST my social anxiety. I had a nagging feeling about this and I just let him believe whatever while I trusted my instinct on this. This is so insidious. I've had people do this to me before. And what the hell do you say? They were staring at me and TRYING to incite panic? It sounds crazy. It's so f***ing passive aggressive.

I just don't know....

Talked to a cool listener just now due to how much it's bothered me. They have anxiety issues, too... So there was much solidarity. They truly listened and validated my concerns. Were very empathetic. I'm so happy I spoke with them because I feel like I'm spilling over with anxiety and uncertainty right now. Have brought up concerns about the waiting room and things that have happened before like this, but I feel like they get brushed off. Feel really stupid bringing this up (YET AGAIN) and that it's gonna be seen crying wolf. As ONLY my anxiety.

I'm not sure what the hell I even would want my psych to do. Considering their counselor is rather unethical and has this very hollow feeling about them. It's like talking to a bully parent about their bully kid. Not to mention the bullying and shit kicks up my PTSD stuff. I really want to continue my psych appointments, but this is getting f***ing ridiculous. Maybe I'll be five minutes late to each session so I can avoid waiting around for him in that damnable place?

One of the good things with the secondary therapist is she has an awesome office and hardly anyone there! I was playing with the kids toys and reading some children's books while waiting. The Very Hungry Caterpillar is one of my favorites! The kaleidoscope was freakin' amazing. It was merely beads but the mirrors inside create a world of colorful cells and mutations. Also starting poking at their succulents when I got bored. Yeah, can be like a five-year-old sometimes. XD

Well, back to the previous topic. After speaking with that listener, I sent an e-mail asking my psych to set a time to call me since I had to tell him something that happened yesterday. What the heck is even the solution besides me staying away from that negativity? He can't control them, and I doubt that the freakin' counselor will listen. So they basically get to be assholes scot-free. Or I could stand up and get violent...though someone like that would feign innocence. Man! Why are these damn bullies/malignant types so cookie-cutter?

Don't usually ask for this, but would love some re-assuring words or thoughts on this situation from my fellow Cups friends. Maybe I'll see something I didn't before.

@wizeakre

Hi Wize! Things are looking up, the financial thing is resolved and now I just gotta wait(which can be the hardest part sometimes). And thanks for your validation and that kinda stuff... though I feel it's undeserved. Well, we both have spoken about that kinda stuff before, right?! XD

Uh. This is gonna be hard for me to bring up, but I felt like I needed to speak with you outside of that thread you posted the other day. Last night at therapy I actually discussed some of the stuff on here. The stuff you mentioned specifically and things related to that. What I mean, is that after what I've read in your response to me about your husband... I really don't think he's a narcissist(but I'm not a professional). Bipolar/ADHD can be a bitch to deal with. There are so many things that tell me he's probably just working out the old programs and the fleas from the personality disordered raising. But, that's just me.

As someone who lives with someone who presents like a full-blown cerebral narcissist, the things that differ from him and your husband are night and day. Your husband can take responsibility and look at his actions. That's huge. The ability to little by little address topics and issues, not only by himself but with you and be open to discussion. That's pretty good. Wouldn't dream of that with my own husband. If anything, what I've learned is that those arrogant things people do are mostly to make their diminished selves look bigger/better. Narcs have that 24/7. Whereas someone who suffered from the chaotic raising of a narcissistic parent will want to fill that void somehow and of course, overcompensate- like a kind of call to a midlife crisis that's been instilled from early development. However, it really depends on how frequently these attempts of overcompensation happen. It's your choice whether you want to wait around for their recovery or what to do with it.. Another option is seeing a couples therapist since your husband had a bad experience before with one, maybe if both of you were present it wouldn't be so bad.

Additionally, I feel like things have gotten a bit inflammatory and accusatory in that thread. It's turned into a narc-hating spam fest. While some of the resources are decent on their own, I get nervous because these kind of threads turn into that. And it's basically telling you to run in a very roundabout way. Finger-pointing. Already assuming that the person is a narc. Massive projections. This is very dangerous. I discussed this exactly in therapy. I'm worried, because while we do need labels for what happened or to understand behaviors- people get caught in dehumanizing and destructive patterns in which they become narcissists themselves by way of this labeling. After all the jumping at shadows, staying in unhealthy mindsets based off of fear-mongering, hate-mongering, and accusations without growth or moving on. That's why I avoid them. And that's why I'm worried about you. Because we can so easily get caught up in the diagnosis portion of it and puff ourselves up about it. But that achieves only a very fleeting satisfaction. Remember to temper your observations and this constancy of research about the subject with remembering your own personal power, growth, positivity, what you can do for yourself and your own family. Remember love for yourself and others. But don't force it, because your emotions, feelings, and thoughts are valid.

I come from a background that includes severe neglect, covert and overt incest, sexual abuse, psychological abuse, etc. Some really screwed up crap by way of my parents, family, and creepy outsiders. Maybe the labeling thing is just a stage in recovery? I dunno... But the label hasn't really done anything for closure about my own narcissistic behaving mother or father. It still doesn't explain why, but it does explain how. I even accept the fact that I was brought into this world simply because she liked the idea of having a cute baby as a pet. That I was a temporary object that wasn't fun anymore. That's just the way things are. I've made the most progress by focusing on myself and what I need to learn to recover and empower myself. When you learn that, you also learn to empower others. The same with love and compassion.

I think when we are raised in such desolate environments the negative patterns stick to us for so long. Their "culture" gets imbued upon us. I mean- it's how we learn developmentally! So it's no wonder people may say we remind them of others like that. Another thing- it may also be a projection. Projections are very powerful things. Either way, we are who we are. But that doesn't mean we have to stay that way. When dealing with this "culture" that was forced upon us and others, I've found that people have to grieve. Grieve for what could not be, for what wasn't, for who they couldn't be for us. And that's a huge process on its own.

Here's an article that I found really interesting for how society deals with grief and discusses how they treat the "Five Stages of Grief"

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/supersurvivors/201707/why-the-five-stages-grief-are-wrong

Sorry if that was way too long or if I overstepped the line.

@wizeakre

You're fine! I'll reply to you a bit more in-depth when my head is able to focus.

@wizeakre

Hi Wize! Happy Valentine's Day! Hope you're doing something fun or simply taking some self-love time for yourself. <3

I'm glad my post was useful to you. I tend to get worried when people- especially folks that I'm friends with that dive into that oblivion of fear. I don't think you threw him under the bus, it's truly a significant worry! You needed to air that concern and I think that gave you breathing room to look at it objectively. I'm glad that you're able to look at things and trust your own intuition and wisdom. I believe in you and your strength.

BTW, in no way did I feel trivialized. You have valid concerns, Wize. It's not you that over-labels things...it's the mob mentality around "diagnosing" that kinda stuff. You didn't do that either, but so many times I've seen people in support groups focus on the rage and dehumanizing people with arm-chair diagnoses for the abuse they've done. Yeah, they have a right to be angry and maybe the "diagnosis" is the closest thing to closure you'll ever get... but they didn't grow. They got stuck in that all-consuming rage. Then they turned. They essentially got taken over by the vampire's bite and became one themselves. That's one of the main reasons why I don't participate in stuff like that. I'm cool to talk with you about here, but I find threads get oversaturated with that kind of stuff. It happened to me for awhile, too. Then I snapped out of it and knew it didn't really lead anywhere good. But our paths to recovery are different, there's a lot of hurt involved for anyone who has to deal with those kind of abusive people.

That grief article was pretty timely, huh? Thought you might benefit from it, certainly opened my eyes. Tried the Al-Anon 12 steps thing since it's based off of codependency in relation to alcoholics- it's pretty fitting. But it just didn't take into account certain human needs. Even though there were groups and such, they made it very blatant you were on your own in dealing with it. I dunno...maybe I just started out wrong?

Anyway, there's so many different shades and hues of situations out there. If you take the DMS you can start diagnosing anyone and anything with a handful of disorders or what have you. Learning to trust your gut is so damn important- and being able to stand when you need to! Looking at things with a bit of skepticism is healthy, I think. Though in an abusive/narcissistic household its a criminal offense.

Blah, hijack this diary when you want. XD I'm glad to have you visit and speak with you. I'm not upset at all, in fact you sparked a revelation in me from one of your previous comments. For these past three days I've been in pissy Pigeon mode. XD Brooding around, cooing, doing that wing dance angrily... feathers puffed.

What you mentioned earlier about the therapy thing. I had a realize like a cat gets when they go into big-eyes mode at something randomly. "WAIT! Yeah! He IS brushing off my concerns!" Y'know, it's this weird feeling of being so pissed and then realizing that you're ALLOWED to be pissed about being treated in such a way. I've been trying to figure out what I'm gonna say to him on Thursday. I address things pretty bluntly nowadays. It's funny that something so blatant escaped my notice...thank you, crappy programming of olde! I feel like my psych has gotten bored with my case. I also wasn't able to contact him or receive a reply back. Might've arranged something where I call him directly as opposed to e-mailing him.... but still. Another thing, I feel pretty boxed in and irritated about my therapy situation in general. The secondary/marriage counselor lady. Just really don't know what to do with her, I feel pretty frustrated after dealing with her even though it might've been productive or empathetic. I dunno. X_X;

BTW sorry for running around being all pissy on here lately. Husband's been agitating lately and I'm already ruffled feathers mode. X_X; Anyway, take care. Look forward to seeing you around! <3

I bring a piece of my writing from my Diary of a Demon selection. It's short, just setting this here for the heck of it. The text consists of journal entries documenting a demon in the Devil's Court throughout history.

"Another day, another life. I come marching through the door of life only to fall into the chasm of impertinent existence.

Been feeling like I've been settling in well this time.

Though, I constantly find that that is not the case.

It is warm, balmy... the ceaselessly vicious sun. So much sea, sky, and sand. Do you define this as "Godawful"? The Great Sir will be summoning me into his grand court today. I am but a droplet, a grain of sand betwixt his eyes. "My greatest ambition is his pleasure.", I tell myself. We all know that's a lie. Service to one who barely bats an eyelash to one of his fellows? No. I will not acknowledge him when I go to court. It will be My Court one day. I only exist for my own pleasure, my own severance from this tedious world. The castles being built today near this sandy knoll, afoot these laughing dunes will be dashed away.

Detritus.

My robes covered in sand, soaked with the sky and sun's rays simply ignore the breeze due to their weight of embellishment. I find a striking similarity with what the robe is hiding.

This Court of the Great Sir, heavy with embellishment, weighs us down so we cannot move.

I'll just have to make you look at me."

It's so weird how in that realm of fragile omnipotence someone can make themselves an expert on anything.

For instance, my experience earlier. Was expressing an opinion on Christians I've dealt with in the church and over the years, and what I've observed about financial trends. I was Christian for a good part of my life, going to church, practicing, etc. Then this "God amongst Gods" tells me how it is, saying their experience of KNOWING a bunch of Christians, reading a couple Christian authors, and going to church TWICE in their entire life gives them more meaning than my experience(which I wasn't tryin' to freakin' debate anything or say my experience was superior- merely that it was VALID). Funny how they told me about goings-on in the churches around here as if they knew when they've ONLY WENT TWICE.

Got so frustrated I cried a little. Then they just walk away, because whatever- they won. Act like nothing out of the ordinary happen, and then freak out when it's brought up. They were JUST TALKING okay?! Then you are accused of what they did. Ahhh, the essence of narcissistic abuse patterns. "People are objects, treat them as such."

Was gonna go out today, but I feel like not dealing with them and working on things that matter. The last thing I need is to be stuck in a vehicle with a douchebag on a day-trip away from home. /endrant

After this nonsense, I got told "Don't be cranky!" by the same person. X_X;

Yes. "Your emotions are a pain in the ass for me, you're not allowed to have those."

@CaloenasNicobarica Heyo Pigeon. Hsve been reading some of your earlier posts and this today. I don't have anything profound to say. Just want you to know yoy have my support and I hope you can keep finding ways to hold your center and keep your clarity when all the gaslighting and blameshifting rises up and takes over the reality of the moment.

I am at 2 months No Contact.....and it really is feeling like thr only sanr longterm choice fir me. (Though it took me on an iff decades and many different levels of change...with this SAME person....before I finally am really saying no more. And just walking onward on my own road.

And....I still get triggered a bit because I know the blameshifting and rewriting of rrality will go on without me. I know that most of the world will believe and prefer the gaslit story. And still...onward I walk. And that the only thing I can really healthily do is take myself out of being attached to reactive to and participatory in the dance. And it's tough....becayse thrn i have all this new life I need to weave and create on the fly....this life to populate...and I feel like I'm faking it. And on the edge of epic failure. And...onward I go. I must.

And....it bothers me greatly to not be able to see further ahead. Nor be able to guarantee myself anything...except...hopefully...at last and again...my Self. The rest of it....all still being written and so far with a very limited cast. Uncertainty would br yhr SMALL word for it.

Courage to you on your own path!

@SpruceRaven

Thanks for stopping by, Raven!

There's a lot of BS to work through and NC can take a lot of work. Sounds like you've been through the wringer. I'm glad you're working things out and trusting your own wisdom now. May you stay the path to self-love and recovery too, my friend! <3

@CaloenasNicobarica Hey Caloenas. Would love to know the story behind your tag. Have you been to the Nicobar Islands? How are pigeons special to you? 🙄 I am a perpetually curious person.🙂🙃☺🤔🤔💥

Thank you for all you said. 💞 Your wncouragement and sipport mean a great deal.

Sorry if I talked too much about me. I think this should be YOUR special place to be heard and supported. 🎉🎊🎶 Stay in touch, friend Pigeon. I am rooting for you.

Gonna post this here tonight since tomorrow I'll probably be all frazzled.

First off, the day's been okay. Got a box of chocolates, a bouquet of roses, and a silly card. Decided I'm gonna use the rose petals to make homemade rose water so I'm not using the chemicals to extend their lifespan. I trimmed them up since they were long-stemmed. Now I have one vase at the dining room table and a short one in the bathroom. Was relaxing dressing the flowers and such. They were very thorny.

Needless to say, this Valentine's day and many of mine have been bitter-sweet.

I'm straying off topic. The real thing I wanted to talk about was my therapy tomorrow evening. *sighs* There's a lot riding on this. Sometimes I do a bit of fortune-telling kind of stuff to check into my own mind and more or less get another perspective rather than "fortune-telling". More like another means to express the subconscious mind or higher self...something like that. Via the I Ching, it told me not to make too hasty of decisions. That this was a time be especially prudent. Well, whether the hexagrams in the book of changes are right or not...it's good to not be so hasty. However, my gut inclination is like a bull in a china shop.

Part of me wants to go in there and really tell my psych off. Wants to just say f*** it to this therapy BS. I've made a good deal of progress, there's no question about that. But...should I really freakin' have to feel like hiding my social anxiety stuff because it will be merely dismissed as fictional? An extrapolation? This last time was exceptionally blatant. I've listened to him say that it was just C-PTSD and blahblahblah memories of trauma/bullying. While that can and does happen sometimes, not every f***ing time. I also think that the last time I mentioned this about a person that worked there- who was this person's(the one who made a point to keep staring at me)counselor. I mean- with the evidence now that this person IS freakin' rude AF...I think it stands to reason that he simply brushed me aside because he didn't want to talk with that other counselor about it. Also, wtf can he do?

That counselor who laughed at me for leaving the room, and even had her client do it. I mean...seriously. The lady strikes me as creepily hollow. It's somethin' I picked up on. You see that thing in bullies and people with narcissistic tendencies. A "hollow" type of disassociation. There's also the more "pointed" type of disassociation that's different from the passive victims of abuse. Anyway, I feel like he was just being like Freud. "LOL Dem womenz and their Hysteriaz. LOLZ"

I want to know what I'm going to say, but I keep going back and forth about it. Hell. My gut feels all acidic from nervousness when I think of having to go into that damn building or waiting area again. I plan on going up a little late and hanging back in the hallway. One benefit of the marriage counselor's place is that it's low-key and the bathroom is accessible without going into another area with people. She has a giant office! It's pretty freakin' sweet, actually. There's also fun kids toys and books. Anyway...I wonder if I overstayed my welcome with this guy? And my severe frustration with the marriage counselor... I don't have a backup or anything for his place. I wouldn't want to use her, but she's all gungho about the idea. X_X;

I dunno...This whole thing is a headache. Will I choose to be blatantly in your face about it? Will I approach it with elegance(LOL, probably the earlier)? Why is it that professionals in this industry have to be like this? I've also faced this weird duality where I get bitched at to have my own personal power, but then sometimes I'm told how I was a victim. There's no in-between. It's completely random whether I'll be told to embrace my personal power or that it's not my fault. Both things can exist...but I feel like in these situations they're treated separately. It's weird. I'm tired of not being heard. Being the "crazy" one who is just leaping at shadows or hallucinations. I know why I get bullied/mocked/ridiculed. It's because these assholes pick up on the disassociation and try to establish superiority because of their own f***edup-ness. The mark of the victim. That's why I want to be present. But there are so also many more reasons why I want to be present. It's tiring. I still haven't figured out what I wanted to say. I'll probably just be straight-forward and say exactly what I feel without any filters.

Tomorrow will be an interesting day.

@wizeakre

Afternoon, Wize. I ate half of my box of chocolates yesterday. XD

I phrased stuff kinda derpy. When I go to proof-read my post sometimes I leave fragmentary words or particles floating about. Also, I find my writing has been murky lately. Anyway, I meant to say that the chick in the waiting room(who was staring) was a client of the counselor who I had issues with before. But they both laughed at me a time before. Anyway, it's just a screwed up situation. Sorry for not being clear on that. I'll def take some of that positive energy and send some back at ya! <3

Thanks! Hope it can be of use to you when you're sorting through the muck and what not. I chose to use this quote not only because of its wonderful wording and message- but because I consider Jung to be an opposite of Freud. Though Freud thought he was promising, he never was able to untangle himself from his own doctrines. So it's symbolic of the interaction of me and my psych, or what I feel is going on.

Hope you're feeling better today.

Takin' an unofficial break from 7cups. My pigeon brain can't handle being told multiple different things to do and shift my perspective five different ways. Already dealing with this in my two therapist ordeal. Gonna reshift my focus and try to listen more closely to my inner voice. Besides, I got stuff I'm putting off that needs to get done. lol XD Will be back in a week or so but might answer posts or something when I have free time.

Blarg, there's a chat I need to get back to. Anyway, take care for now. Probably won't be too long.

@CaloenasNicobarica

Caloenas, I applaud and support you in listening and trusting your own inner voice and wisdom. May you gather much strength and wisdom and centering and health while you are away.

Btw....such intereting synchronicity in a post I happened across today. You might find it valiable too! (See my next post, also here).

@CaloenasNicobarica

Caloenas-- here is the post I found (referenced above). It was made by @Whatmakesithappen

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JayMichele56
on February 1st

Self-care is so important. When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.

~Eleanor Brown

5Reply

SpruceRaven
on February 1st

@JayMichele56 very true. Here's to all tthe empty cups out there! May you replenish yourselves soon!

In Reply To JayMichele56

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guptalord
on February 1st

those who win are not always strongest but the ones who never give up when they lose

2Reply

Talk to an expert therapist about loneliness

Shes great

Reviewed Feb 15, 2018

Connect with
Lauren Now

guptalord
on February 1st

love yourself then only you can love others

2Reply

TransSammy
on February 3rd

"Happiness can be found, even in the darkst of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." - Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

1Reply

Xtina2121
on February 3rd

"Do what you have to do, until you can do what you want to do" - Oprah

2Reply

essdee
on February 4th

4Reply

Whatmakesithappen
on February 5th

" 'Do not wait: the time will never be 'just right'. Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command and better tools will be found as you go along.'

Napoleon Hill

"This quote is a classic in the personal development world but it has always resonated with me. Instead of action, anxiety and fear will often keep us safely dreaming of our goals without setting one foot towards them. And whilst dreaming of our goals is no bad thing, not taking action to achieve them, is.

"The time will never be just right" Next week will not be a better time, tomorrow will not be a better time. Now is the only moment we will only ever have and the opportunity to heal is ever present.

"Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command and better tools will be found as you go along. Baby step or hop, skip and jump your way into your goals. Yet make your goals realistic so that you can taste success. Hourly, Daily, weekly, monthly or yearly, make them realisitc and build a history of tiny success stories behind you. No matter how tiny they may appear to be each success will strengthen you and give you skills to develop new strengths and new skills. Onwards and forwards."

@CaloenasNicobarica

Take care Cal. much love and *big hugs*

Hope you give yourself all the self care and self love you deserve and all the compassion and empathy you show others towards yourself...

Oops sorry....it included mote than I thought.😕😜🙃

Courage Caloenas. Keep trusting yourself. I look forward to talking to you again.

@SpruceRaven

It's fine, Raven. And the same to you. See you around. <3

@CaloenasNicobarica Thsnk you. Did you find the quote interesting?

I want to thanl you too for the nice things you said to me via my feed.

Please let me know how I can support you as you go forward.

@CaloenasNicobarica btw i am playing with the idea of starting my own diary. Still not quite sure if and how I want to do that. If I do thougj I want to invite you to visit and talk with me there..

@SpruceRaven

Sorry I took so long to write back, Raven. Been floatin' around here and there. Yeah, the quote made a lot of sense. You don't have to support me or anything, just do what you feel you want to do. I have a hard time supporting others on here even if I read their thread/diary or what not...feel like a third wheel and get scared of posting so I don't say much but make a small attempt. Blarg. Anyway, I would certainly fly over to your thread and hang out on the statue giving you a listen!

Prosperity be with you.

@CaloenasNicobarica Thank you Caloenas. My Ravenswlf would make tou welcome😁🌞 i hear tou about fweling reluctant to post. Kewp doing what feels best to you. I do believw we each have the a sqer within. And getting there can take awhile. I believe in you. Keep on going. Don't give up.

Haaaaaah. Here I am! Alive. On the other side of that appointment...

Luckily, I went in late and that bully wasn't there. Been everywhere mentally IRL. Hard to sit down and post on here. Getting a lot of triggers thrown at me but I'm coping somehow. Hope the rest of you are doing well or at least taking the time for some loving self-care. <3

Got a few things to mull over on here...

The appointment.... Hrmg. I went in, I sat down. Straight up mentioned stuff blatantly and got it out of the way. Well... *sighs* I dunno what I feel about this. It's very tricky territory... lemme try to remember. Basically, he believed that SOME of my stuff was me projecting my bullying experiences on things... Social anxiety can be a tricky b*tch to deal with. But... he believed this instance. At the same time, isn't that... what I uh? WTF. Isn't that him just saying the same thing again? Furthermore, the usual thing I mentioned previously about how bullies take predatory/primal advantage over people with the mark of the victim due to their own inferiority. Whatever. I explained that. I don't know where I stand. During the session, I didn't feel that bad. He even asked if he should talk to that bully chick's counselor. If I did have trouble with her before. Well, I was too freaked to mention the thing about how the counselor is also a d-bag. That one time it was both the counselor and the chick laughing at me for leaving really quickly. X_X;

Blahblahblah I'm making good progress. Urgh. Brought up the marriage counselor. Gonna end that, I decided. Her scheduling is just crazy and she has rescheduled twice out of the 2 or three sessions we've seen here. The hours are incompatible with our situation, as well. Not to mention her immature, tactless attitude. Yeah, at least I can walk away saying that I learned a few things and she sparked something in me besides sheer frustration. XD Mentioned it to my psych, felt it was too chaotic. That she was trying to push me to have her as a secondary backup instead of focusing the couples thing. Besides that, she was very unsympathetic to my situation and thought I could just get up and leave despite my social anxiety/agoraphobia and all that. That it was the same as leaving to go to an appointment. Uh huh. *rolls eyes* I can't even be outside for very long, let alone drive up there myself. Not to mention I'm barely even capable of work right now. Which I am getting able to little by little. I earn a little money nowadays which helped boost my motivation to earn more and focus more on my education.

Been frustrated lately. Because it seemed like everyone around me told me how it was, what I NEED to do, etc. Within this time of retreat, I found my symbol of rebellion.

Love.

To break the cycles of the past and this horrid abuse. Love. To free me from these chains people try to tie around me with their NEED to dos, believe, think, and their "CORRECT" reality. To love myself enough to walk away, to keep myself safe. To remember that others are human and there is beauty in this world. Embracing this love. To acknowledge our passions and dreams. This is love. It breaks the binds of this horridness I found around me.

I was in the middle of some very deep, hateful kind of thinking. About to do one of my little rituals to throw off the projections and negativity of others...but I thought about making a more dire twist to this particular one. Letting that anger pierce them in a virulent way. When I was sitting, about to form the image in my mind of what to use... it came to me.

"What is the symbol that will break me free from these chains that people attempt to bind me with?" "What is the symbol of my rebellion?"

LOL XD My image link at the bottom of the post didn't work. I'm working on re-uploading it, trying to find a decent upload service.

It's a picture of an angular origami heart with pink elegant paper. Woo!