One Month Until the 1 Year Mark -- Getting Worse
It's getting more constant. The self harm, the panic attacks, the depression episodes. The blade is getting rusty, and thus why the wounds are deeper and wider. A nosebleed (more like a waterfall of blood) accompanied the panic attack this time. My knuckles hurt from punching the wall, and there doesn't seem to a better day as I feel stuck in the same rut. Building a future is already hard enough for people who have graduated but to do so with the trauma linked to the time of graduation? How
I don't want to end up settling for less than what I deserve, or what brings me joy just because I don't envision it being better, or just being I've been through worst so I can stomach what is perceived to be the lesser evil
It's only everyday that I want to stab myself to get rid of the thoughts of them. Too many reminders.
@humorousBeing8966
Hello you.
I hope you know that I'm here for you. How many minutes, hours, days, months, or years far into the future you want me to be. I am always here.
I just want you to know how proud of you I am.
I'm so happy that you're not afraid of sharing your thoughts with poeple anymore. I remember how scary it was when you took that risk and how it had ended painfully sometimes, That you were blamed for things you didn't do or say. But remember all the times it ended well? All the times people were supportive and they really wanted to help you without expecting anything in return.
I remember how scary it was when you got the courage to call the helpline. That you didn't want it to go through before but then you stayed online you hear the voice message. I know how diffcult it was to know what to say and how relieved you were when they didn't pick up. I admire you so much for your courage for dialing.
I'm so glad that you never cut your arteries. I'm so happy you never turn that anxiety or depression into stabbing yourself in the leg. I am so relieved that you didn't walk yourself into the incoming train. It defeinitely would have felt easier to just hand them the knife so they can just deal the kind of pain that was more concrete and understandable. The idea of being pushed into the tracks by him was definitely easier to stomach than what he had made you endure. It definitely would be more easily believed by society and everyone around you compared to recounting the facts of what had transpired. You don't need to worry. If they don't believe you, know that I do. Know that I am and will always be there through every step of the journey.
All the power rests in your hands, not in those people that have changed your view of the world.
And about those scars that you have all over your left side? I know some people didn't understand it but I did, I do, and I always will.
It may have seem like no one else in the world will ever love you the way people have loved those narcissists but I love you. I want the best for you.You have more potential than anyone else I know and that is a truth that cannot be countered because I wouldn't be the successful and happy person I am without you.
I know you were never one for self love because you've seen it in others and some have made it so they would hurt you or others to get whatever they want. You don't want to be like them and hurt because you're hurting I know. I know that is why you hurt yourself instead. I will always be there for you when that happens. Please let me give you the strength so we can fight it together.
I know that you don't like looking in the mirror because the person staring back doesn't seem to be associated with any part of you at all. It is only because I am staring back at you. You may not fully understand or know who I am yet, but I will always smile back at you if you do the same. I know when you're smiling, that person you can relate to. I hope you know how beautiful your smile is and how anyone would be lucky to witness that smile.
Remember everything you envisioned yourself to be when you were 20? Well I can't tell you about the future. You'll just have to wait and find out ;) I can tell you this though. You have made so many steps towards it. It may not seem like you were making the right steps but oh every step was a step in the right direction.
I'm thankful for so much for all that you've done for yourself.
Thank you for being bold and standing up for yourself by telling them exactly what you want them to do so you wouldn't have to be treated like their servant. Thank you for still being able to go back despite their unyielding attitude. It was very hard I remember but I know how hard it was to do any sort of self care at the time and I am so proud of how you fought for yourself.
Thank you for standing up from the shower that night. I know it would have been easier to leave a dead body for them to deal with in the morning, but remember how wonderful it was to start your internship the next day? Remember meeting that Irish lad who taught you some Irish that you couldn't remember? Remember showing him how cool you were with your skateboard and skating with him? It was such a good choice buying the cruiser. You are so resourceful and intelligent in how you turn a horrendous memory into a good one. No one else could have been able to be that strong. Your CV became so strong because of your immense dedication and initiatives in seeking that supervisor and taking on all those projects! Thank you for helping me arrive at such a wonderful career!
Thank you for your courage in going to the doctors. It was so scary during :( I still feel the chills and his words. You are so brave Now if they ask for physical evidence, you know you have evidence.
Thank you thinking of me when you went to see that psychotherapist. She didn't say the right things at the beginning but some of her exercises stuck didn't they? I'm so proud of how you were able to take the good from the situation and made sure you kept going in the right direction.
Thank you for going in to the internship everyday. That safety officer was tough on you though, and I'm so glad you went home to take a breather for yourself after that. He was only so mean because he cared for your safety. I'm so proud of how you were able to dedicate yourself to the lab after the Dane.
Thank you for taking those times to hang with your labmates, and with your friends from university. You were definitely such a wonderful addition to the dynamic. I know that they loved having you. I know how scary it was to be around men and how difficult it was to not break down. You were phenonmenonal. They have missed you.
Thank you for writing out everything. I know some responded in a way that only made things worse. I know that the Dane after everything else you have endured made you lose all hope. I cannot describe how incredibly grateful that you were able to not let their words demolish that hope you have for the good in the world. I read everything that you ever wrote. Everything was so eloquent and so insightful. They may not have saw that but I did. You were way beyond your years and everything you believed in was beneficial not only to yourself but everyone else. Even if they didn't want to hear that they were incorrect.
I know it seemed like there was no one during those months. I'm happy you took that year off to focus on your mental health. I cannot thank you enough for your determination and hardwork during those months to help me become the emotionally adept person that I am today. I thank you entirely for every single happy memories that I have experienced and will be experiencing. My joy is all your gracious doing. Everything about you is perfect.
I love you so much. Please don't destroy further chances of us ever interacting again. It would literally destroy me if you killed yourself.
Sometimes those little voices in the head are positive, and they make you optimistic
"I believe you can do it!", " That's awesome, love!", " You have so much potential :)"...
, Sometimes the voices are menacing
"No one likes you. No one agrees with you. You live a pathetic life. You aren't smart. You can't acheive anything or do anything right, You need to change your personality." ....
What are those voice? Magical beings that sprung up in the brain? Little leprechaun trying to find gold at the end of a rainbow that doesn't exist?
No, those voices are from parrents. Mentors. Beloved and supposed lifelong friends. Romantic interests/lovers.
Those who were thought to be trustworthy, Those that were given trust to. Those that were believed in and were given everything to.
When everytime you open yourself up - be open minded to new people and new experiences; despite set up your boundaries and give your undivided attention to others while providing opinions that were only unassuminng, and the response is to throw you under the bus. Make you out to the public enemy , despite you trying to provide a solution to the problem. When those you thought you can go to because they were suppose to provide nonjudgemental support and hope, but only abuse your vulnerability.
Why try?
Why trust?
Everything in this world is rotten and spoiled. Everyone already has a negative opinion of you before getting to know you. They've already associated your physical appearnace or something of yourself to something nondeserving.
Some people just have to try harder in life, and in the end, the hard work still doesn't pay off.
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@humorousBeing8966
Haven't written you for some time, but always reading your posts :) those voices in your head you're describing, the mean ones, those are really scary, I unterstand that they are devastating for you, that they can bring you down until you feel like they even are able to destroy you... I unterstand that, I have/had those voices, too... Living with this is just exhausting, it's a fight every day... But there are those other voices, too, the good ones... The strongest are the voices inside of you which come from yourself, your own strength talking to you, nothing somebody else tells you can be as strong as the strength inside of you, cause you have that inside of you, it is there, you are a strong person, you have such powerful words, you are able to express your feelings so forcefully and you're proving your courage every time you're posting you... Well, those are just some more good voices for you :) I'm proud of you, you're truely an inspiration for me...
@courteousNorth5140
Thank you for posting :) It makes a huge difference knowing that there are people right alongside in my journey with me. Ultimately I know it's still very important to not become fully reliant on external factors or other people in moving forward, but the support is definitely world changing.
--Graphic Violent Desires---
To K, T, K:
What I'd want to do is to batter your faces in. Turn them to pulp with my bare fists until the borken bones are puncturing through the skin. Id then use a baseball bat to turn your whole body into mush.
----
What inspired such vulgar desires? I thought I was past these angry emotions: a mother who calls me "Your Masjesty" because I keep missing class, while her daughter does the same. Except with her daughter she tells everyone how she has her ADHD as an excuse.
Pay no heed to the ignorant. There are those who have already taken so much. Why empower more of them. I chose not to tell my story to those I cannot trust. Their reaction to not knowing the real story shouldn't make me fall back into abyss.
I'm going through this cycle where after I receive a negative judgements regarding my personality or behavior, ones where I don't respond back with the truth of why I am that way or do those things that doesn't even affect them because it is none of their business, I would have extreme anger about those that have dealt harm and want to violently destroy them because of who they made me become whilst I deal with the mental and physical consequences of their selfishness. Afterwards, because the violence isn't acceptable, I would have pretty serious suicidal thoughts because it's the only valid solution.
I'm sure one day it'll be enough to push me over the edge though. I haven't had anxiety attacks because usually they come due to inability to come out of the above mindset. I was sure it came again this dawn.. I felt the convulsions in my abdomen starting. I'm starting to feel like giving into the suicidal urges would be exactly like them giving into their sexual urges without care about others. I don't want to be like them so I did the next best thing. I stayed on the bed and allow myself to experience half a day of sleep/wake cycles. I guess I was aware of how little sleep I got the previous day, having stayed up 24 hours so I could make my dentist appointment and go to class. I didn't care at all about missing the following day and putting off my plans of contacting professors yet again. I wasn't accountable to anyone today and lately people have just been setting me off so I needed a break to be completely by myself. I know the harm of continuously isolating myself but I'd rather be in dream world. Then the dream world got pretty bad. The last dream I had turned into people coming after my family and us trying to survive a drowning episode. Then me trying to hold down a serial killer who couldn't stand judgement anymore and who has knives in both hands and was coming after my family trying to stab them all. She got my aunt on the chest and my dad in the back. She was coming after me too but I surprisingly was strong enough to hold her down and she only got my arm. I woke up while I was still trying to hold her arms from plunging the knives into my chest. Maybe I was able to move the knives to her so she would direct the urge to harming herself, which she received well and I was able to get away, or maybe that was just my imagination after the dream.
I don't remember the other dreams anymore, but they were good enough for me to rather dream than to come back to reality. The silent and empty reality. My neighbor is playing the piano now though so I guess it's not completely silent anymore.
What do my dreams mean? Why do I always dream of someone coming after to kill me? It used to be only the chase. Now there's the chase and the actual confrontation. I guess I saw how I was able to confront the killer instead of running (there wasn't many places to escape to). Maybe I wish I had confronted during the trauma. Maybe I wish I was that strong. Maybe dream me is telling me I'm ready for that. Maybe I did confront, but just not in the way I had hoped. Dream me also told me to just deal with my hygiene stuff. Dream me doesn't hesitate to do anything, but dream me has more external circumstances forcing her to do stuff than I have right now. I remember dealing with all that stuff back then. Maybe dream me is past me and maybe the killers/chasers are my issues/problems/work that I've been avoiding.
I cut in a visible place earlier. The thigh wasn't enough.
Not enough for them to see that it's self harm.
It's only a matter of time before I let the blade run deep into that vein.
I just wish I have a physical problem right so I could just focus on that
How do I fix this thing in my mind
@humorousBeing8966
Hey you... I'm so sorry to hear about your self-harming... Are you ok? Did you take care of the cut? What you said in your last post about wishing you had a physical problem, I totally can relate to this, lately I sometimes have this thought that I wished a car would hit me, not kill me, just injures me so I have to take a break for some time, that I don't have to do anything for some time, that recovering from the physical injuries will be the most important for some time... On the other had, I have been at really bad states in the past, physically, and it sucked like hell, I hated my body so much for not not ing properly and being confined to bed I had even more time to overthink and totally get lost in the chaos of my mind... So, I don't know, both, physical and mental illness just sucks, but we have no other choice tham going through it....
What you said earlier about not giving in to your suicidal urges, that was one of the moments I nearly teared up, cause it shows how strong you are :) convincing yourself not to give in those urges, to go on, well, sometimes the strongest decision is just to decide for life... It shows that you are a survivor, we are all survivors and gving in the urge of quitting, well, no, that's no way :) we'll keep going, we'll move on, no matter how much it takes....
Take very good care of you :)
@courteousNorth5140
Thanks for being here.
I wrapped it up so it wouldn't get on my clothes.
A survivor would would mean that everything is behind me.
I can't control the kind of mindset that exists in this world, and the people that will act on their urges. It is all out of my control. I have no control over encountering them again and enduring the same ordeals. It is not something I survived but something that I will constantly have to endure. I don't believe this kind of life is worth continuing.
What's the point of caring for myself when everyone and everything around me will just destroy how little I've worked on to stay alive.
I have to accept the physical changes as part of who I am now. The secretions are a trigger. There can only be acceptance at this point.
What is wrong with me? Shouldn't I not be affected by now? Didn't I set goals? Why am I not acheiving them? Why did I go search for and do the things that have routinely showed me its detrimental effects?
I found more. Why can't I shake these emotions? Yes, the second still has power. I can't control its power. End it please and soon. I was about to change for the better. No more suicidal tendencies please. That was reserved for last week. Time has flown past. When will I start living again? What will it take ?
