One Month Until the 1 Year Mark -- Getting Worse
It's getting more constant. The self harm, the panic attacks, the depression episodes. The blade is getting rusty, and thus why the wounds are deeper and wider. A nosebleed (more like a waterfall of blood) accompanied the panic attack this time. My knuckles hurt from punching the wall, and there doesn't seem to a better day as I feel stuck in the same rut. Building a future is already hard enough for people who have graduated but to do so with the trauma linked to the time of graduation? How
Whose experiences were real? Whose were false? If they were both true, if what they did isn't criminalizing, then how come I have and am suffering so much still? Why do they get to continue life so happily, surrounded by loving people who support them? Why can't they understand everything they put me through? How to go back to believing and hoping?
@humorousBeing8966 I understand your thoughts, I really do, but what those people did to you was criminalizing, it was wrong and disgusting, it was the most horrible you can do to another human being. You didn't do anything wrong, it wasn't your fault, not even a bit, never ever believe that, it's not your fault.
You're on the right way wo heal, you made a very important step, you're talking about it, you're writing down your feelings, and that's a very hard step, but it shows that you are strong, you're probably strong than you think. Keep going, write it all down, talk about it and the pain will get less and less.
You'll be ok again, I really believe that, just don't give up fighting, never give up...
@courteousNorth5140 Perhaps they didn't know better, just like Azin didn't. But I knew even less. If these were true, then it must be horrific--the trail of pain they left behind. I wish I can be the one to change them, but some people just won't consider another person's perspectives. I can't open myself up to family, because I don't believe they will see how it was their decision to take what someone so did not want to give. Perhaps I was stuck normalizing their behavior and trying to fix my mentality despite having put up my boundaries because the psychologists that I had saw at the time had called me naive and although she had acknowledged that what they did wasn't right, she was focusing too much on how I needed to change, and that made it feel like I made a mistake. I still wanted to believe though, that men could be rational, and that communication would overrule them acting solely on their desires, but the way the psychologist had talked about what happened had made me think that my physical presence alone with a man, will lead to rape, and that the roommate abuse from before the traumas were all because of my communication problem. How was I suppose to protect myself then? How was I suppose to be comfortable interacting with people then? I have stood my grounds out of self respect, but apparently that will only lead to harm.
I don't know what's happening.
One minute I want to start doing research for my application, or was I trying to distract myself from the memories, or thoughts, the next I shaking, convulsing ? with tears streaming down and inaudibly screaming, trying to expulse whatever it is that is causing this reaction to whatever stimulus it was. There was nothing on my mind during it. Maybe it was the thought of others moving onto different stages in their lives and being happy. Me wanting to be like them but being held back and not being able to see how things could be different maybe was what triggered it.
I was going to use the blade again, but I guess journaling here turned out to be a better outlet.
I've had these attacks before since last year, but they were less frequent and I always seemed to have my mind stuck somewhere during the attacks. Now, even when the thoughts are gone the attacks keep going. It's happening at least once a day now, while the other times I'm just trying to distract myself.
How am I going to explain this gap in my life?
@humorousBeing8966
I'm glad that journalling here is a good outlet for you... keep on with it..... we are here with you. Wondering if this could be helpful with the attacks you are having more frequently. Pete Walker is very sound and gives practical steps for managing flashbacks. Suggest you have a look at : www. pete-walker.com/managing flashbacks. And calling a sexual assault helpline may well be a place where you could get some good support too. Hugs.
I just received another call from a private number asking to call them back because I left a message regarding seeking mental health help from the provincial organization. It was a man that called. I heard it in the voicemail because I didn't pick up. I left a fake name, and I mentioned it was someone else who needed help. It would be costly to go through with it. Do I really need professional help? I won't be here for much longer, and I mean it in the sense that I'm moving.
Perhaps I should call the sexual assault crisis center to receive some advice.
@humorousBeing8966 I think you really should consider professional help, I'm not a huge fan of all those various therapies either, but well, I guess it helped... If you're not ready to meet a counsellor, calling a helpline is a really great idea, I think you should give it a try, if it doesn't work for you, you don't have to continue the conversation...
@courteousNorth5140 All these psychotherapy sessions just seem to be scams .They are so costly for so little time, and they don't address the emotions and attacks as they come. They make you feel like you're the one with all the problems and you have to completely change yourself instead of addressing the fact that other people have wronged you. You don't address depression with more self doubt and self depreciation.
@humorousBeing8966 well, that can be true, perhaps with the wrong therapist, but I also made good experiences with therapy, I think just like there's the right or the wrong partner, there is the right and the wrong therapist, so you have to find the right one... About the costs, well, imo it's a shame that people have to paynfor sth they need to survive, but that's a problem about the health system of your country... Here we don't have to pay for any health care... Well, it's just a shame, really, it somehow makes me angry that there are people who need help, but can't afford it, that's just, I have no words for it... but if you really absolutely can't afford it, try a helpline, perhaps that could be a little start....
AH.
The change of season back to spring. The weather keeps reminding me of that time. Stop.
I can't indulge in poor mental health anymore. I want to move on with my life like everyone else.
People are getting pregnant, getting engaged, going through grad school, getting jobs or amazing life changing internships or travelling the world, and here I am still stuck in the same city, without a change and isolated.
4 weeks exactly until that day. Please stop
Make the winter come back again so I feel safe again.
@humorousBeing8966 I have no idea if my replies help you in any way, but there's so much pain in your every word, so I just have to try... If you want me to stop it, or if you disagree with me, just tell me...
Those are just my thoughts and what works for me doesn't have to work for anybody else... So for me the most important part of healing was acceptance, accepting myself, accepting my feelings, even the bad ones, accepting that I'm not like others, accepting that there are certain things I just can't do... I try not to care about how others are living their lives, cause it made me feel worthless, like just because I can't do or achieve this or that my life isn't as good... It is like it is, that's a very important expression for me, I'm trying to accept things I can't change or can't change yet... I'm always trying to live in the here and now, I can't change the past, I have no idea about the future, the here and now is the one I have a bearing on...
Please don't give up fighting, you're doing great here, expressing your thoughts and feelings, creating this thread, I really admire you for doing that... Keep going and don't lose hope...
Hello journal.
I've never journaled daily before. Maybe it would have helped before but I just used online chatting to help with that. There was a lot of anger, and a lot of questions trying to find out the truth of the situations and the people in them. I guess I'm past that point. Of trying to understand why people like that exist and why they had to do what they did. Of trying to fix the situation and get justice. In the end, what the problems that were there before are still there. It's not fixed, but whether the more recent problems were fixed or not. Well, people keep saying to forget it, or that eventually you'll forget it. I didn't want to because if I did, history must repeat itself wouldn't it. That kind of thought is pretty self-blaming though, because that would mean something I did or say caused the situations, that I had a choice in it ending that way. Did I? I don't believe everyone will react in the same way those few people did. So even if I did, it wasn't something I could completely control. I'd like to be in complete control, especially if its pertinent to my body, my place of living, my future, my comfort, my life. I don't aim to control others, but they have controlled me. This control is a kink though. Maybe it's safe to control it with people trustworthy, and someone who would ask for consent beforehand. I didn't consent to it. It was not moral. Some people are just too narcisstic and unempathetic to see it. They should have stopped when they saw how much it affected me but they dont have any sensitivity. I know I'm talking about a lot of situations that probably shouldn't be lumped together because only some are criminal acts but to me, what those few did, had a lasting effect and traumatized me all the same. I still see pieces of that time so clearly. I still hear some things so clearly.
Sometimes I wish I can stay in my dreams forever. It would take me away from this world, and my subconscious has been kind enough to not dream of the memories, just the people.
Maybe journaling is another way I'm avoiding working on my future, because maybe that was my stressor all along. It only got worse and stayed that way because I had completely avoided it. I guess that is whay others will see. That I had actively found a reason to be in pain. I think it would have happened anyways. At a different time, different place, different people. The past year(s) were only times I've ever felt anything so intense in my life. Now what?
I bought a lot of running gear---even a fitness tracker. I haven't went exercising in at least 3 weeks. It's going to be hard to start again. Even though I didn't go out or move much I still got 144 steps today after i put it on. Maybe its wrong because i barely moved. My heartbeat seems right though. I want to use it to track my sleeping schedule. I think having the right kind of sleep for the right lenghs really affects me. However, the amount of sleep that I need to feel okay for the day is just not good for my productivtiy.
I just want to be able to be like them. Not care about the past. Not care about a lot of things. Travel, try new foods/activites, meet new people, have fun. I guess not everyone gets numerous trauma thrown at them all at once. I guess for the amount I went through, my process is alright. I guess it'll all go away soon and I'll laugh and go on adventures like before.
Maybe I'll meet all those people again, and maybe they'll be like in my dreams or what my subscious want them to be. I cannot indulge in them ever being sincerely apologetic and making up for all the pain they caused though. It is not real. It will just set me up to be hurt again if they're allowed back.
I can rip off this chapter in my life, and throw it into the fire. Perhaps its the plentiful amount of sleep that I had today that makes me so certain, and perhaps a cup of coffee at this hour will change all that again. We will see.
I've had enough imaginary conversation with them. Predicting how it will be if we ever cross paths again. Hoping, wishing for that last conversation to let go or to be the one in control. Eventually though, I realize these conversations are too far from the reality, not only because of their continual silence, but also because in the last conversations that we actually had, they were different.
I hope on that one year mark. I hear good news about my future. I hope I smile and think about how far I've come along. Even though I've only written one email and read about one professor's research that really fits, I've found the professor, and I completed the whole finding the professor, reading the research, and formulating the email all in one go without taking a break. Perhaps it is because I've had prior emails to work off of, perhaps my focus has improved as the trauma isn't present at this time, or perhaps i'v finnally developed the skills to push pass the bad emotions. I finally can focus on reading research articles. I can finally start working on my future witout that crippling anxiety, because maybe, the anxiety isn't as bad as the trauma, and that is why I can push through it now. It is after a long period of procrastinaton though. Perhaps the fact that I now have friends that are going through the application process with me in my proximity again that made me feel better about it all. I shouldn't be procrastinating again, but at least I made progress this time. This gives me hope that I won't fail if I do end up doing graduate studies.
So long as what has been crippling me doesn't reappear with the change of season.
I hope when I leave this place, I can say goodbye to all the emotions that have dragged me down all this time.
Good day. Bad day. Good day. Bad day.
Show me at least two good days in a row, so I can know things are improving.
It's still so clear. Her words, the banging, the malicious laughter, the late night dreadful walks back to a place that should have been safe but wasn't. The dangers outside, and of the night were nothing compared to what was back there.
People's opinions, of who I am, what I like, what my personality is, and most important what happened, makes me boil with anger.
