One Month Until the 1 Year Mark -- Getting Worse
It's getting more constant. The self harm, the panic attacks, the depression episodes. The blade is getting rusty, and thus why the wounds are deeper and wider. A nosebleed (more like a waterfall of blood) accompanied the panic attack this time. My knuckles hurt from punching the wall, and there doesn't seem to a better day as I feel stuck in the same rut. Building a future is already hard enough for people who have graduated but to do so with the trauma linked to the time of graduation? How
I've tried consensual dynamics where I'm in control, I've tried physically draining my body through exercise to escape the thoughts, I've tried changing my diet, I've tried surrounding myself with positive people from a whole different community, and I've tried occupying my mind with a new language and a new field of study. Nothing will ever erase all the trauma they've caused. It only gets worse.
I relapsed with self harm. Took care of the wounds this time though. It was erratic, the cutting.
I don't know how to live anymore.
@humorousBeing8966
*safe hugs* (if u want them). I understand self harming is a taboo subject in the world but I think that understanding self harm is needed for others to see it is a way to cope when things are intense. I am glad u tended to your wounds. One moment. One minute. One second at a time has become my motto at the moment and I thought I would share it with u. You are worth so much in this world I hope u find the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other. It would be an injustice to see your life cut short when there is beautiful things to come your way. Much love and sending you the strength to overcome this tough time 
@humorousBeing8966
Hey there. Seem's like you struggling quite badly, sorry to hear that.
The nosebleed is very frequent in panic attacks, I've experienced them by myself.
My advice here on this is for you to work on your trauma. Basically working on the reasons that made you traumatised, on possible triggers that maybe you aren't even aware.
A panic attack is basically you in alarm mode, you need to run and escape the situation. And for that to happen you either 1) are in massive stress and can't stop thinking about things, 2) subconsciously something made your brain trigger and recognize something as dangerous.
I recommend you to seek a professional because of the subconscious triggers. Or if you can't get one at the moment, then start a diary about everything you feel, literally everything. That wayy you might find possible triggers and understand them better.
Best of luck 
In my dreams the rapists have made amends. Their apologies actually sound genuine, and they stayed to help.
@humorousBeing8966
I really can feel your pain *hugs* don't give up! Never! Don't let them win over you!
Stay strong!
I'm sending you lots of strength
@humorousBeing8966
hi, i can't say that i understand what you're going through because i don't. but please, please hold on just a little bit longer. you are a strong person
The existence of men who think they need to exert dominance over women against their will or at the expense of their mental/emotional/physical discomfort makes me want to eliminate their existence. Unfortunately that would be illegal, so the only person that can be harmed is myself.
I still can't go to a certain part of the city
I still can't be out after dark
I still can't get started on certain things.
I'm still using various time wasters as crutches to escape the thoughts and pain.
@humorousBeing8966
You've experienced sth really horrible, it takes a lot of time to heal from this... Be patient with yourself, but don't give up, healing is possible. And it's totally ok to avoid certain places, perhaps one day you don't have to do that anymore, but right now it's totally ok.
Imo distraction is a good coping tool to fight bad thoughts and one day you'll realize that you don't need it anymore, cause the bad memories get less.
But it's a huge struggle and it takes a lot of time...
Do you have any help near you? Are you seeing a therapist?
@courteousNorth5140 Thank you for your kind words. I am able to travel by the underground rail through that part of the city, but I am still scared of seeing him when the train stops and the doors open. I cannot take the bus or walk to that part of the city however.
I've tried picking up healthy habits, like exercise, healthy eating, productivity, and a scheduled routine, but I have relapsed on self harm and strayed from everything. The habits don't really stay because I've relied on external factors or other people to motivate me to keep doing them. One of my motivators for exercising was the plethora of emotional pain associated with the men that dealt the trauma, but seeing what they had to say about my pain, I can finally let go of any hope for the good in these men. Perhaps it is the self blame that has finally lifted and thus the past isn't as haunting anymore. It is just the potential of similar events happening again in the future, and seeing that men with such inhumane mentalities freely expose their ideologies online that is still devastating.
Things got very bad when I went to see the counselor for a bit last year. Plus now that I don't have a health care plan, it is not economical nor am I inclined to see a therapist.
