My story ****Trigger warning**** could potentially be triggering, so please use caution if you proceed. Remember to look after yourself if triggered
Dad didn't want me and was glad that mum miscarried. My dad tried to kill me when I was a baby. Dad has a violent temper. He would fly into a rage and spank us at best so we couldn't sit. He would chase us and we would hide hoping he didn't find us or gave up. He would throw us about and hit us. The worst part was his silence. You could see it brewing. It was the waiting and not knowing. Mum also had a temper she would only violently spank us anything worse she would get dad to do.
Mum always said I was her closest and best friend. She always spoke of how she hated my dad and that he was horrible to her.
Mum would fall out with dad over everything and would either run away leaving me with him or take me with her and scream about him. She was terrifying. They always got back together. Catholics don't divorce. They are perfect on the outside.
Mum always said never have friends only acquaintances. This meant I never got close to friends. I wasn't really allowed round their house and they weren't allowed around mine. The pressure from my parents was intense. They were awful about me not being good enough at training or during racing. When I started having anxiety and panic they took me to see a psychologist that was the daughter of my mums friend. I told her about my parents but she didn't do anything. She seemed scared of my mum. Sometimes I would play with a girl whose gran lived on the street. She was a few years older than me. We would play in the shed. Usually a game of mums and dads or something. There was usually a sex element which I don't really understand. There was something about making them do it or being capture. It's a bit hazy.
I always did well in school and never got in trouble. I was probably too opinionated for my own good and it's why I didn't really have friends. I was bullied in high school as I was too posh despite the fact I lived in a council house. I apparently thought I was above everyone and I was a swot. In truth I just didn't relate to them It got so bad they tried to throw me off the moving bus. I felt hopeless. It went on a lot as I was an easy target. The I didn't fit in didn't have a stable friendship group and lots did well I think classes.
When I was 12or 13 I realised my home life wasn't normal. I that the way my parents treated me wasn't OK and the horrible physical fights I had with my sister ten years older than me weren't OK. We were in English class and a girl was talking about her dad being a pain. I then started going on about him throwing me down the stairs and in the instant I saw the change in their faces. They kept saying how it wasn't normal and I kept saying that it was just a joke. It was then I know t wasn't OK but I had to keep the secret. It made it easier to understand how we could be having a screaming match and thrown about then twenty minutes later we were perfect in church.
When I was 14 I went on my first date to the cinema. He was a quiet boy. My dad dropped me off at the cinema and it was weird and awkward. When we got in we went to the back row. At first we just kissed and it was OK. I was a bit nervous and scared. He then started feeling my breasts and going under my top. I tried to brush him away but he just pushed harder. I tried to say no but he was in my mouth again. I just froze. He let his hands roam down the and in my underwear and I couldn't do anything. I just sat there. I let him. I let him in me. In both and I just sat there. I couldn't breathe. When we left I just couldn't deal with it and ran to my dad's car. I told my mum and she blamed me. I never spoke of it or to (name deleted ) again. Rumours went round school but I just couldn't cope.
When I I went to university my mum put on a major guilt trip calling saying she would kill herself. That I needed to save her. I couldn't fit in there either as I couldn't cope. I started self harming. It was deep and bad.
I had my first real boyfriend at 20 and I became pregnant. It was my last year of uni and I wasn't coping. I didn't know I was pregnant as I was on the pill. I only found out when I got sent to hospital by my gp for bleeding. I spent the time in hospital losing the baby alone. I told my bf but he wouldn't come. He stayed at work. He then made me pick him up and blamed me. That night wasn't pleasant. I told my mum and she told me she thought I knew as it was obvious. She also told me I was never to tell anyone especially my sister as she had lost a real baby. It felt shit. I couldn't deal with it all and I took my first od.
edited by dancingrainbow45 on 09/01/2017 Put a trigger warning in the title in case the post triggered other members, also name deleted due to confidentiality reasons
Hugs Little,
Im sorry you went through all of that, no one deserve to go such oreadl, it is very brave for you to share your story here, and that show how strong and brave you are, I cant even imagine how tough it was for you, however you are still here because you are strong, you can heal from that Little and put things back into track, all of us are here for you to support you in any and all way we can, you can pull it through
@LittleTreasure It sounds as though you have been through an awful lot in your life and I wonder how you have managed to cope with all this? You have suffered a lot of abuse and trauma at the hands of others and it must have been very difficult for you to deal with school, friendships and coping with the violence at home? I am really sorry you had to experience any of this and you have been very courageous in being able to write here and you should feel very proud of the fact you have spoken out although I can only appreciate just how difficult this must have felt for you. I also can appreciate how you wrote about the not knowing or your dad's silence being worse, seeing perhaps the anger brewing but not quite knowing when he was likely to lash out. I have heard others who have suffered similar experiences of violence within the home say the waiting was often the worst part. The emotional and psychological trauma involved in abuse and violence has often been described as the worst part and the most difficult to cope with and overcome later in adult life and I am sure there may be others who can identify with some of what you have written, Thank you for sharing
(( Hugs)) I am so sorry that you're having to have gone through all of that! Hugs! @LittleTreasure
@LittleTreasure
so sorry things were the way they were for you. going thru tough times while feeling confused and alone seems to make matters worse.
i can relate to a few things you mentioned: a mother who didnt really believe you should trust people or have true friends, a mother that wanted saving or expected you to save others or to be her confidant,and then the elements of invalidation. when your mother said pls dont tell your sister as she has lost a Real baby... heartbreaking. life can be so horrible and our feelings for others so conflicted but please dont give up on healing for yourself!
i wish you perseverance in you search to find a better life, better mental health. i wish you stability and strength.
thank you for sharing your story.
I am so so sorry for all you have been through and all the suffering you have indured. You are so brave for sharing this and I hope it was helpful to write it all out. You do not sound like you had much love in your love and that can make it hard to love yourself. I really hope things can be different for you now and that you can live peacefully.