My Story
I'm not sure what to say here. How little say, how much to say. My story is a nightmare. A nightmare that some simply dismiss as fiction because it's too much. People tell me that "most people couldn't handle what I've been through". To me this says that I should give up because I can't handle it either.
My early years were surrounded by abuse physical, verbal and sexual. We didn't do love, hugs are compassion in the house I grew up in. I was molested by a family friend from 5-13. At 13 I discovered I was pregnant and had an abortion. That decision still haunts me today. I escaped the situation by moving in with a 27 year old man. I eventually married him. When I realized he was a pedophile it was too late. I had no one else in my life and I was stuck. At 19 I finally escaped his grasp. My life reached a point of semi stability. I was then in a major accident that resulted in a traumatic brain injury, among other things. My partner at the time could not handle the situation and left. Alone, hurting and depressed I spiraled through life for many years. I finally started to make some progress and move forward. Then in March I was assaulted by 3 men in the park. Any progress I made came crashing down. I've been fighting for a reason to keep on ever since.
I have been diagnosed with PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Sever Anxiety and Sever Depression. The nightmares, flashbacks and unexplainable feelings I get are more than I can bare. I know that nobody can fix it. I can't fix it. I've tried. I only wish there was some hope to hold on to. Some reason to believe that I won't be stuck in this dark pit forever. There's so much more to this story, but I won't get into it.
I'm sorry if this is too much information. I'm not sure what else to do at this point. Thank you for reading.
@practicalIdeal2007
Hi Practicalldeal,
I read you, and im so so terrebly sorry you have been through all of this, im sorry for everyone who ever hurt you, for everyone who failed to love you and offer support, im sorry for all the feelings and all the trauma you are carrying. And im sorry you keep getting dismissed.
Thank you for sharing your story, for opening up and putting it in writing. I hope knowing that I believe you when you say that this has happened to you, knowing that I belive in the trauma and distress, the despair and hopelesness this has left you in, knowing I see the pain and hurt in your writing, can give you some comfort, lessen the feeling of being alone.
Welcome to the trauma comunity, Deal, this is a safe place for people like you and me, people who had terrible things happen to them, so horrible that other people cant even imagine. You can share as much or as little as you want here. This place is safe, there is no judgement, no disbelief, no questioning, only support and care.
@LoveFromSara
Thank you for your kind words. Just knowing that someone read my mess and took the time to respond means a lot. I'm not sure what else to say at the moment, but I wanted you to know how grateful I am.
Thank you.
@LoveFromSara WOW, I am soo sorry you went through this STORM OF HELL!!:(...I also got hit with some horrific things in my life over 32 years so I can relate to you on some level, but yours sounds a lot more traumatic than my story!! you did not deserve the hell you went through and just know that I hear you and I am sorry for all you have or are currently going through HUGS**
@practicalIdeal2007 - I'm really glad that you are reaching out. I know that often people can say things that are well-intentioned, but hollow in meaning like what you said about them saying they wouldn't have been able to handle it and that hurting when you feel like you can't.
I do think, however, that you have shown an enormous amount of strength and courage and resilience to get to the point you are. Strength doesn't always mean knowing what the next step is or feeling sure of the direction you're headed, sometimes it means just continuing to survive to the next day or even the next minute. You are a survivor of so much pain and you didn't deserve any of that pain that others put you through, but you are still here. Still hurting, I know, but still here. And I think that right there shows strength and is a reason for hope that things really can start to get better.
Healing takes time and it doesn't come easy (I've been searching for the magic solution for ages, but it doesn't seem to be out there), but you're here and you're sharing your story - that's a big step in a healing direction.
I hope that you find support and care here and that bit by bit, others can help shoulder a little bit of the burdens that you carry and help you to heal.
@Anomalia
It hurts so much. More than words can describe. There are so many days that I don't feel like I can keep going. That I don't feel like I can bare the burden any longer. I don't know how I make it through those days, but somehow I walk out the other side of them. Sometimes the hardest part is that I can't tell anyone how I am feeling. Nobody in my life really knows. They can't handle it. I sit in silence with a stupid grin on my face, all the while dying inside. I don't know if any of this makes sense. It's been a very difficult day.
Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I really appreciate it.
@practicalIdeal2007
To me it makes very much sense Deal, its like that for many in here as well.
For some this is the only place we feel like we can even begin to touch our emotions and our own story, because this is a place filled with people who not only cares and supports, but also can understand, because they can recognise and empathise with your story, they been in similar situations, similar places.
Im sorry you had a hard day, I hope tomorrow wil be better for you. Feel free to keep writing in here, this is your space, a safe place for your thoughts and feelings and your story.
@practicalIdeal2007
It seems like you already have and enormous strength to hold on, but I will send you a bit of both, for when you need it.
@practicalIdeal2007 - It absolutely makes sense, and I think those are feelings that a lot of us can relate to - that idea of needing to tell someone something and not being able to, sitting behind a smile while no one knows about the pain you're feeling, and really just needing someone to be there and help you bear that weight.
I'm sorry that you aren't feeling that in in your life right now, but I hope that posting here can give you that place to be really honest about what you're feeling. It's all okay to share here and we want to support you through the hard days and celebrate victories with you (even when that victory is just surviving one more day). No need to put up a smile if you're not feeling it. We're here for you either way.
I'm not sure what I expected when I posted this. I suppose I figured it would be like so many other times in my life and either A) be dismissed or B) lost in the abyss. Just the thought of not having to walk through each day alone is a relife. The idea that there are others out there who understand. I'm still trying to process this. I am very grateful that you are here. That such a place exists.
@practicalIdeal2007 - And I am grateful that you've found it and that you took a chance on opening up even though it felt scary and maybe a little hopeless at the time. 
I've only been here a very short time, but this community has already been so supportive. Even those who know nothing of my story. Nothing of what the pain is or where the hurt comes from. The wounds are deep. The triggers have been insane today. SOOO many. I'm just trying to hang on for the ride. A nice conversation really helped to redirect some thoughts and at least get some distance from the intensity.
@practicalIdeal2007 - I'm so glad that you've found support here and I hope that bit by bit that support helps to ease a little of your burden and helps you to work through that pain.
Everything is disintegrating around me ... again. Online, offline and work. I feel like it's all falling apart. I took a risk and opened Pandora's box. I should have stayed quietly in my corner hiding from the world. Now the pieces are crumbling and crashing to the ground. I don't have the strength to pick them back up again. I don't have the strength to do it alone and I don't have the strength to have every safety net ripped from beneath me at once. The mask was my friend and I should have never tried to remove it.
@practicalIdeal2007 - You still have support here, and if the pieces are too heavy to pick up alone, let us help you pick them up. Can you tell me what's going on and how I can support you?
@Anomalia
I'll try to explain. I spent 25 years burying what happened to me. Incasing it in concrete and laying bricks around it. Buried so deep I could nearly function. Separated myself for everyone and everything and learned to function alone in my corner of the world. Nobody knew and the real me never made an appearance. Then earlier this year when new stuff happened it burst open what had carefully been buried. I began the process of packing it all away again, but someone convinced me that maybe that wasn't the best thing to do.
I tried trusting people. It was a mistake. In the last couple of weeks everyone has disappeared or left. One friend stopped talking to me and disappeared. The one person who knows the most about me, things I never said to anyone before, said they don't have time for me. Everyone leaves and everything falls apart. My life before didn't involve people. I went to work and stayed in my house. There was nobody to leave because there was nobody.
Now everybody is gone and all I'm left with is a big gaping hole. I can't decide if I want to burst into tears or break something. The flashbacks the nightmares the feelings. I have nowhere to go with it. I have no idea how to handle it. I'm beyond help. I'm nothing more than a giant mess that isn't any good to anyone. I want nothing more than to crawl back into the hole.
@practicalIdeal2007 - I'm sorry for my delayed response and even more sorry to hear how much you're hurting right now. But I don't believe that anyone is ever beyond help even when things can feel really hopeless, and even if right now you need to retreat a little or need to burst into tears or anything else, I hope that with time you feel more able to seek that support and work to heal. I hear how scary and overwhelming this is right now, but I believe that it can get better with time and that there may still be people out there who can support you.
Do you feel like there are ways right now to take care of yourself and protect your hurting heart without having to decide not to have people in your life again? Is there a chance that there might still be a way to work through these memories without having to bottle them back up?
@Anomalia
Thank you so much for continuing the conversation with me. It means a lot to have someone respond.
I don't know how to have people in my life. I find it difficult to trust. I know that it isn't fair to judge everyone by my previous expereinces, but I cannot help to be skeptical of people. I'm trying not to cut everyone off. To respond to people how and when I can. Today has been very distressing so I am limiting my contact with anyone.
Somehow I need to find a way to work through the memories. I cannot keep on like this forever. As much as I would like to hide back in hole, I know it is not possible to hide forever. Everything comes out eventually. The idea that I can hide from the pain is nice, but not realistic. I will have to find a way to face it or I will completely crumble. I don't know what that looks like, and I don't know how to do it, but I'll have to.
@practicalIdeal2007
It's understandable to judge people based on your previous experience, but I appreciate that you recognize there might be some people who will surprise you and be worthy of your trust. I think what you said about responding to people how and when you can makes a lot of sense - some days it may just be too much and that's okay, but I think that reaching out on those days when it feels a little more possible is a courageous and important thing.
You mentioned needing to work through the memories - in my experience, often this starts by talking about them, but I also know that can feel really overwhelming at first. Do you think that maybe taking it a little piece at a time and chipping away at it might help? Or for some people, I think before they are ready to really talk directly about something it can help to process in other ways - like through journaling on something else, or creating art of some kind to express the feelings, etc. What do you think might be a starting place for you?
@Anomalia
I have been thinking about this question: Do you think that maybe taking it a little piece at a time and chipping away at it might help? I have tired to deal with it all at once and it crippled me. Maybe taking slower shorter steps would be better. I have so much fear in dealing with all of this. One of my biggest problems is fear. I fear people in general. I don't go anywhere besides work. I order all my things online, including my groceries. I tried something new today. I needed coffee creamer and didn't want to pay the $3 delivery fee for a $2 item. I drove to the store and sat in the car for 20 min. I finally went in walked to the creamer (okay nearly jogged) and went to the self checkout. From the car to purchase to back to the car took 6 min. I was terrified, but I made it. Maybe next time I can try to get 2 items. Maybe this same approach can be used with the memories. I'm not sure what that looks like for sure.
@practicalIdeal2007 - First of all - that's fantastic! I'm really proud of you for making it through that purchase even though it felt really scary and overwhelming. As you said - you were terrified, but you made it. And that's both a step and accomplishment and a really good indication that you can keep taking little steps forward and see successes.
I will admit that I have less experience in trauma than in other areas, but across most things I am a big believer in taking really small steps forward and seeing them add up. Yesterday you learned that you can run into the store for one thing and make it. That's progress that is real. And like you said, maybe next time you can try for two items - or maybe you'll decide you want to test getting one again first to feel a little more ready - either way is okay, but that progress is fantastic and bit by bit opens up more possibilities and more freedom for you.
As for approaching the memories the same way, I think maybe it's worth a try. Again, you get to decide what that pace is - whether it's starting with one small memory and talking about it and working on feeling those feelings without shutting down, or if you want to push a little more on the other side of things with facing fears first and start memories a little later. You are in charge of how you want to approach this. But I think it's really great that you want to try to work on it.
I've rambled a bit because my thoughts are a little jumbled, but wanted to make sure I let you know how proud I am of you for taking that step!
@Anomalia
I can't really respond to this much right now, because as said in the check-in things have changed. I did want to take a moment to let you know how much I appreciate you. You have taken time out of your day to talk with me, sit with me and you didn't have to do that. It means a lot. With my world so broken having someone take the time is comforting. You say you don't have a lot of experience dealing with trauma. I think that's okay. All I need right now is someone to listen and you have offered that. Thank you very much for your kindness.
@practicalIdeal2007 - You are very welcome and know that I am still here if you do want to talk more, or even if you just want to sit with someone for a while and not be alone. I know things are really hard right now, but I am hopeful that they can get better, and I'm here regardless and will support you any way I can.
@Anomalia
There is also the elephant in the room. The conflict going on here. I read and I understand that something caused a divide. It's seems the divide extends even to the members within this community. I don't do well with conflict. I never have. I either disengage or I get angry.
I'm extremely conflicted on how to proceed. I've got nowhere else at the moment to share. Nowhere else to go. At the same time I am afraid to say the wrong thing to the wrong person. I don't know who is on what side or what side is the right side or any of it. What happens if I say something to someone on the wrong side? I don't know what to do here. I don't want to cause trouble or be in the middle of trouble that I have no idea about. I only wanted to find people who could understand. Who might know some ways to cope. I have no value added coping skills. I'm truly at a loss and part of why I feel like I should just go back to hiding.
If this reponse is going to add to the conflict in any way, please delete it.
@practicalIdeal2007
I know the conflict here has been really overwhelming and exhausting and hurtful to a lot of people and it can be hard to not know exactly what's going on or what side someone is on. But I think that even with all the conflict, everyone shares the same side on one topic and that's wanting this to be a safe place where people can come and share their stories and seek support with no judgment. And that's what you're doing - coming here to share your story and to seek support. There is absolutely nothing wrong in doing that. I promise.
@practicalIdeal2007 There is nothing wrong with your response, trust me. I am so sorry we have been so preoccupied with our selves that we have been missing why we are doing this in the first place. I am so sorry you are feeling unsafe and almost too scared to even mention it.
I must admit that I also lost track of what is happening and I feel torn and scared too. And I am sure the rest of the team does too.
But just like you, we also have a traumatic background. Sometimes when we are triggered we react, we don't think first. We did not become perfectly healed when we signed up for this.
Like you, I get scared and hide, someone else fights or flights.
We all learn and hopefully we grow. I don't know where we are going and I don't know how. But it will get better, that is a promise.
It is not an excuse but I hope it will give some reassurance.
I am glad you are here.
@nolongerafraid
Thank you for telling me that it is okay to say this. This group is supportive and please don't think I am saying it is not. If there wasn't support I wouldn't have stayed. Safety is an issue for me, as I would guess it is an issue for many here. I have so much fear, I know it's a theme with me. I have a fear of being rejected. It's why I am concerned about saying the wrong things or to the wrong people.
I completely understand that you and the others here have suffered in your own ways. I believe that even people who "recover" still have remnants of the past. I would certainly not expect for anybody to here to be all better. That's not realistic. We all have our own issues. I hope that things here can be resolved and people can all feel safe again.
@practicalIdeal2007
Hi. I relate to so much of what you say. Especially the elephant in the room, bit! I'm very new here and stumbled across a few references but as I didn't really understand what it was about and it wasn't directly related to what I was reading/writing I didn't focus too much on it. And then I think I actually stumbled into/across/past it inadvertently and was like "wtf"???
But I think the point made by someone else on this thread about all wanting this to be a safe space is good.
I'm so sorry for all the pain you are feeling just now. It is so lonely and I have experienced that pain. I was functioning great(ish) until 3 years ago when, similarly to you it sounds, it all got torn up afresh and I was no longer able to deny, minimise, justify, explain, shoulder responsibility for what I had experienced. And the shit of knowing/wanting to work through stuff yet not having a clue how to do so can be overwhelming. And I know I am very lucky, because I have had support which has made all the difference.
I think sharing here can be a really useful starting place, and it already sounds like you are beginning to tune in to what's right and wrong for you when you discuss responding to folk as and when you can. That's crucial.... to begin to recognise when our fragile boundaries are being pushed and to begin to say "No. I choose to honour my truth/needs etc"
Sending peace, love, strength.
F xx
September 1st , 2018 the day my world plunged back into utter darkness. There are days, weeks and even months missing from my memory. Time that moved forward without my recollection. Why must that day and so many other days be sealed into my memory. Is the universe playing some kind of cruel twisted joke? Knowing that every physical person in my life has walked away leaving me utterly alone? Is it some kind of punishment for the life I've lived?
Epic crash and burn round 1 occurred back in March of 2018. A 48 hour period of time where I essentially destroyed everything I'd worked to rebuild in my life. Welcome to epic crash and burn round 2. If anyone reading this thought I was a decent human being, I'm about to shatter that illusion. It's taken nearly 2 weeks this time. September 2nd I attempted suicide. Nobody but the doctors and my therapist knows. From that point on I've slowly unraveled. First I went back to the drugs, then the alcohol and then the SH. I haven't been eating, because I hate me. So, just to clarify, I'm the junkie, alcoholic, anorexic, self harming freak that you hide your children from. Of course people in my life don't know about any of this because I have crafted an amazing mask.
Ironically I have a high IQ. Even with all the brain cells I've lost over the years. I could have done almost anything with my life. Instead I'm a logistics manager for a no name company in the middle of nowhere. Worse I'm highly considering quitting that mess and working a line somewhere. I might have the intellect, but I'm about as dumb as they come. I know another person who's been through a lot of experiences similar to mine. She's a well adapted normal person. She has never done any of the self destructive nonsense that I cling to like it's some kind of hope.
So what's the point of writing all this? To get it out of my head. Before this moment, the only person who knew all this was my therapist. I doubt those who supported me before will feel the same after reading this. Don't worry, everyone in my life feels like I'm beyond help, too much or whatever. Truth is only I can fix me. Nobody else can do it for me. So now the question becomes do I continue to spiral completely out of control? Or do I find the strength to start putting it back together again?
@practicalIdeal2007
Hi Deal
I hope writing this out, getting it out of your head helped you a bit, though I can imagine it feeling pretty terryfing right now, awaiting others judgement. Thing is Deal, we dont judge, and many of us has been right where you are, some of us still are, this community is a bunch of past and current anorectic, self harming, alcoholic, substance abusing, traumtised people, we are hurt and hurting, we struggle with all kinds of s***, and we dont always cope well with it, no matter our IQ.
Im sorry to hear about all your strugles Deal, that thing have been so terribly hard. And im so sorry for all the hate you carry towards your self. No one judge us harder than our self, no one can hate you like you do. I could never hate you Deal, and there is nothing you can do or say or think that can make me hate you or think that you dont deserve support. Im really glad you are still here Deal, I am.
Its really brave of you to write this, to not keep quiet about it. This place is here for you, Deal, we are not afraid of hurt and darkness, there is support here for anyone who needs it as long as they need it. You are not alone
PS: I like the thought of finding the strength to start putting it back together again, its hard, but with support it is duable
@LoveFromSara
Thank you for not judging me. I was so scared after I posted it that I wanted to find someone to take it down. I'm trying to learn new coping skills. In the meantime this is where I am.
@practicalIdeal2007
"This" sounds like a hard and dark place to be, a deep hole, but im here to sit with you if you want company. You are not alone, Deal. Trauma is not pretty, its not easy, its dark and it makes you feel broken, shattered, unlovable, alianeted and alone - but you are not alone in this, you are ot an alien, we might not know you or your story, but we know the feelings.
I hope you can find some ways to cope that works for you. Does writing things out help?
@LoveFromSara
I want nothing more than to not be alone. I don't need people understand or even know what happened. I'm not sure I could even tell it. I've always been alone, for as long as I can remember. Someone being here with me, even if it's online, is a really big deal.
Writing it out helps sometimes and others times I trigger myself. Today I think writing it out will turn out to be a good thing. Time will tell.
@practicalIdeal2007
You are not alone Deal, we are here with you. We are here for you.
@practicalIdeal2007
Hi. Im Pepsi, and ive stumbled on this thread. Ive seen you around but im not sure we have formally met. i just want to let you know that you arent alone. I relate a lot to what you are going through. The SH, restricted eating, anxiety, ptsd, alcohol and drug issues, isolating, lack of trusting. It doesnt make you a bad person. I hope you stick around here and keep sharing and reaching out. Im trying to figure it all out myself, how to keep going and keep fighting with all the thoughts and shame and fear. I also hide everything from those around me, and i understand how lonely that can be. Im glad you are here, im so sorry for what you have been through, and i hope that you can find some comfort here and begin to find safety in this place. Youve taken a big step in sharing what you have. Anyways, im rambling, sorry for that. Take care and try and be kind to yourself.
-pepsi
@practicalIdeal2007 - No illusions shattered for me. I thought you were a decent human being before and that hasn't changed. I see someone who is hurting so much right now and who is struggling with a lot of demons, but that doesn't make you bad or wrong or anything else - you are the same kind and smart and brave person you were before and you deserve care and support through all of this.
You mentioned someone you know who has been through similar experiences to yours but hasn't ended up in the same place. That must feel frustrating to compare yourself and see that. But we can't help the ways in which things impact us, and the same experience can mean very different things to different people. That doesn't make it wrong that it's impacted you deeply and that it's been harder for you to move through. And the fact that through all that pain you are still reaching out, still trying to move forward one day at a time shows me great strength and courage.
I'm really proud of you for writing this down and sharing it, and I hope that getting it out of your head helps. I'm here and so are others who care about you and want to support you. And none of this changes that. Sending you some extra strength today.
@Anomalia
Thank you for being here. I don't know what to do right now. I don't know where to start. It all feels like too much to deal with.
@practicalIdeal2007 - Then for now I'll just sit nearby so you know I'm here. You can sit as close or as far as feels comfortable for you. And if you want to talk more, I'm here, but if you just want to sit that's okay, too
@Anomalia
May I PM you?
@practicalIdeal2007 - Absolutely. I usually can't talk right in the moment (I tend to come on here for a few minutes at a time), but am always happy to message back and forth in PMs or to schedule time that we can chat live.
There was a time that I dreamed of amazing things for my life. A time when I was to young to understand the devastation I'd lived though. Despite everything I still saw good in the world. It was a gift that helped me through those years. That light I saw was eventually extinguished. I lost faith in everything and everyone. Everything became unsafe. Danger lurked in every corner. I had finally begun to see some good again and was quickly plunged back into darkness.
I cannot explain how terrifying it is to once again try to claw out of the darkness. To find a safe place again. To trust again. The dreams I once had are long gone. They're no longer attainable. I don't dare to have new dreams. I wrote this about life, and I hope that it's wrong. I hope that the shimmer of light is real.
Life
Life seems hopeless
A Never ending tragedy
Moving without ceasing
One hope one dream comes crashing down
A shimmer of light I see
One more star that I am sure
will come crashing down on me
@practicalIdeal2007 - Your poem is beautiful and heartbreaking to read. I don't have any words of wisdom, but did want to respond that I am here. And while you're feeling trapped in the darkness, I've brought a candle that we can light to bring a little spark into the darkness for as long as you need it until more light starts to come in.
@Anomalia I've been thinking about a lit candle in the darkness today. It's cold and dark today and I have 3 candles in front of me. They provide both light and a small amount of warmth. One candle can light another and it takes nothing from the first. Fire is an amazing concept. All it takes is that one small flame and it could light an infinite number of candles. If I can just keep sight of that one small light it has the potential to illuminate everything.
@practicalIdeal2007 - That's a really beautiful way of thinking about it, and you're absolutely right. I would also add to that that when another candle is lit, it doesn't diminish the flame from the first one, it just creates more. I think that hope, kindness, and love are like that, too - I often hear people say things like "I don't want to take kindness away from someone else" or "someone else deserves love more than I do", but like the flame, showing kindness or love or finding hope with one person doesn't mean there is less to go around.
I've been thinking about a story I read many years ago. The Yellow Wallpaper, it was written in 1892. I wrote a research paper on it once back in 1999. I write research papers for no reason other than to write them. The story recently came back to my mind. It is interesting to me how I can't remember things from yesterday, but I can remember a story I read nearly 20 years ago with great detail. My mind is a labyrinth of mystery. The story is about a women who likely suffers from depression. In the end of the story she rips all the wallpaper off the wall in an attempt to free a women trapped within it. She comes to believe that the trapped woman is her. The reason I am reminded of the story is because I feel like the person who is ripping down the wallpaper in a desperate attempt to free myself. Only I'm not trapped in the wallpaper, I'm trapped within myself. I don't know the point of writing this, I'm just thinking in words.