My Silent Voice (Diary)

Today has been a hard day. I've been tearry eyed for no reason. My thoughts are racing faster than my head can process them. Every thing today seems to have had a Trigger. I try to smile and grin and ssay positive things. I work on my Growth Path and yet I feel no mental release.

The voices from with in my head screem at me .I quickly jump into place where I can smother them out. Quite the screems and whaleings that torment my soul. I must Silence the voice from within. Flashing sceans of Past events damccing before me like a streak of light. I feel I am loosing me like stepping into a quicksand pit. Where the more I struggle to get out the deeper I sink. Knowing I need help but remembering when I did I almost lost my life. My Abusers are dead now but the fear they instilled in me has paralyzed and silenced my voice. So I sweep it away beneath the rug only moving it from place to place.

@scarletPear1945

I Wonder what my life would have been like if I had grew up knowing what any type of Love expressions felt like. From age 4 when the incest began with my adopted father. My mom accused me of taking the only thing she ever loved away from her, Her Husband. I never could please her. I never did anything right to her. All I was good for was a good Screwing from some man. My 10th birthday I got a Douche bag. I had no clue what to do with that. Mom thought it very funny. I was accused of letting my dad in our house when she went to work and having had the police find his finger prints going up to my bedroom. Yet I am only about 9. When I came home from school I would have to pull my underwear down and she would make me bend over and she would examine my private parts. It was so degrading to me. I felt violated over and over again.She made me prance around naked in front of my cousins, For punishment.

@scarletPear1945

I understand how you feel. I feel the same way. Some of my abuse are dead or still alive.

@selfconfidentTangerine1778

I see we have a lot in common. How are you doing? I am here if you want to talk

@wizeakre

Thanks because My mom well-adopted mom just died a few years ago. I tried so hard to connect to her as a daughter and on her death bed she was still cussing me out and she still felt I took her husband from her and that all I was good for and wanted was to have sex. Because of her, I learned to hate sex and anything that was connected to it. Which created more problems. I don't know why my mom did not like me????

@scarletPear1945

I completely understand how you feel. My mom accused me of having sex because I had worn a pair pants that had shrunk only at didn't know that until had put them on and was laying on my stomach trying to release some cramp. She had thought because a guy had flrt me I was interested in sex. Because my sibling the people they hang out with make me sick to watch sex because of what had done.

Sweetheart speaking about it is the hardest part!

you have done amazing

look how far you have come!!!

@wizeakre

I really do try to feel like it was not my fault. But this voice of my Father and Mother saying it is my fault. My childhood robbed from me being a 4 yr old hore. I could have chosen to not want anything and maybe the sexual assaults my dad was doing to me and my mom's abuse could have been different?????

@wizeakre

Thank you so kindly. I really appreciate your input. It means a lot to me that I am able to get this out of me.

@scarletPear1945

WHOSE CHILD IS THIS? is my story, it is the video that stalks me during the day during the night in my sleep the never-ending reruns.

Turn off the switch It is a thread that I am continuing to use to get it out of my head. I don't know whether that is the right way to talk about it or not. If my Thread is wrong on WHOSE CHILD IS THIS. Please move it to the proper thread., That thread-__ may contain Triggers

im stuck. my husband died i am a widow

i traded in my youth for stability i know but my kids are grown almost an after 20 yrs.

i am alone fat boring and depressed

realizing i gave all my time to my family i dont know what to do for myself its just hitting me i am alone no person for me my person is gone the one who didnt care if i have morning breath...

but it was hard his illness the last10 yrs bitter sweet day 2 in bed and idc....

@lightRaspberries6608

I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard to be alone I know how you feel. You are not alone in your experience. I pray that things will improve for you.

Hello Me: just want to tell you that you have got to fight all STINKING THINKING.

REFLECT ON POSITIVE THINGS. STOP, REST, BREATH,MEDITATE

She does not live there anymore: My Adopted dad would sometimes take me to this house where all I was allowed to do was watch from the car window. What was I being shown? I was told that it was the house of a Blood relative On my Real Fathers side. I could not see much because of the distance of the car and the house. But I was brought there so many times that I fixed a picture in my head and I was going to run away and go to this house. For years I fantasized about how glad my real people would be to see me and my life would change for the good. Early one Saturday morn when awakened to scrub pots I took off running out the side door and down the walkway I ran as fast as my legs would go. I made it to that house that was forbidden. I knocked on the door and ask the man if my aunt was home. He said she was at the store but I could come in and wait. I was 15 when this happened. I came in and I was excited, I was going to meet a real relative that would love me and be glad I came.................

Having been from pillow to post. Home to home, There was no place for me no one to give a damn. People would say"IF HER MOTHER DON"t give a damn about her why should we". I often heard those words being spoken by the adults., Even to this day, my life has been filled with assaults and violence, Rape and molestation and abuse. That's all I know is the pain. Thriving to survive has been my mission. My Rape Baby I tried to raise because I did not want people to do him like me. If I would have had support after this rape I probably would have been aborted. My issue with my baby was that the Bible says children are a gift of God. Why would God give me a child from this violent act against me> still makes no sense. Then to let him get killed 1992 of September shot 17 times and threw in an empty field like trash. Born in violence and died violently. Was this Gods Joke??? I am ANGRY, I AM HURT, I AM CONFUSED AND ENRAGED..............

@wizeakre

Thanks for encouragement and support. Thanks for your wisdom

Today has been a long day. I drove my self to the doctor, usually, Melvin takes me but today we had to go in different directions.Since I had the epidural injection I have not been waking to good. My legs get very heavy. My Doctor was not happy with my A!C it was up to 10.1. Now she wants me to take two shots a day and stick my finger 3 times a day. I hate that. Got home and talked to my therapist for a bit. Then I fell asleep. Ging to drop my car off to get a new radio.

Well, today has been an extremely hard day. I woke up with the TV on a channel that set off Triggers and Flashbacks. Then I blew up some eggs in the microwave. Did not know I was supposed to crack the eggs before I put them in the microwave. Lesson learned today. I thought that I had destroyed the microwave the explosion was so loud. Eggs everywhere, nothing left to eat (LOL). Then the Plumer arrived he cut out the ceiling and told us the problem is in the upstairs shower which we just paid three thousand dollars to renovate has a leak. So I called the company that installed the new shower only for them to say they went out of business. Then I had a doctor appointment that I went to sat for several hours and never saw the doctor so I got mad and left. This was a day I think would have been better if I would have never got out of bed. Well Diary I hope tomorrow will be better

@wizeakrew

Well even though this day is starting Rockey. My computer is acting up and techs are working on it. So I am on my tablet. I refuse to get upset. Lord I keep spending money to keep my computer up and safe only to find I have been Scammed. This seems too be a trend. All these foreign scammers how do you keep from being a victim. Got too many other things going on.

@scarletPear1945

Hello Me: Back again, just stopped by to update you. When I think I am about to come up from my STINKEN THINKING, I fall into worse.

Alienation:

Hello, diary, I've been away from you for a while. But I needed to stop by and talk to you for awhile.I needed a place that I can just be me. No frills no fluff just the real stuff. Is there something about me that brings the wolf out of people??? Do we as the human race really know the power of words spoken? Words can give life or they can speak death. The Bible says that Life and Death are in the Power of the Tongue.I feel so out of my time frame or time zone. I feel invisible or alienated from all the world. I often feel like I am in a foreign country where no one speaks English. Where words don't mean what they are supposed to I feel detached from everything and everyone, It feels like I've stepped in an ocean of pure quicksand. I struggle to keep from being pulled in but the more I struggle the deeper I sink. Off in the distance, I hear this faint voice saying"RESISTANCE IS FUTILE". So relax let go and you will come out ok. I say but the unknown often is uncomfortable and unnerving. Just say WHATEVER WILL BE WILL BE and just let go/////////////

Not to happy with me today. I keep trying to get on track of feeling better but I am missing the target by a milestone. I just don't even know I am nor whose I am. I feel like I am drowning in my own sea of crap. I know life happens and things happen in life I don't need to hear that over and over again. Still, does not change the fact that you are hurting inside. How do you get help or ask for help when you your self don't know what is wrong. I was young once with the struggle I was told to basically suck it up. I did, Now I am old still sucking up stuff that has never had a resolution. spiraling like a meteorite in space.

What will the ending of this story be????????

Hello Diary:

Today is Friday and the week is coming to a close.It's been a long hard week with lots of incidents that have been very draining.

I feel so un in touch with myself that I thought I would take this time out just to focus on my own self. I feel like I have lost my direction and I am wondering in the wilderness.Standing at the crossroads of my life wondering which way to go.

Life is hard and is not for the weak or faint at heart. Rember the PAC-Man Game?? I feel like that the more goblins you can eat and remove from your path the further you go. People are like that if they can Gobel you up before you get them. It's Lifes game.

Hello diary: Been trying to stay away from you because you make me think and feel things I don't want to. I yet in some ways want to tell you what is on my mind. But sometimes I find it hard to convey my thoughts to you in what may be considered productive way. I want to say so many things to you but I don't want to anger the Master. I don't want to open the door to any more trauma. So maybe I'll just keep my mouth and let the war inside be that silent battleground of inward emotions that I'll just sweep over and close my eyes and maybe somehow and some way someone will come along and clean my house.

I do not like a dirty house, It is totally unacceptable. Moma said cleanliness is next to Godliness.

back again, thought I'd share an emotional feeling with you today: This is just between you and I. Cross my heart and hope to die our secrete.

I feel like a mutation of a person. I feel like the emotions I was supposed to have as a woman stole and robbed from me. I am dead emotionally. Love that I can not feel nor give So much of who I could have been that has just changed my whole life. Relationships that might have been now flushed away. The real me can no longer step forward because she is non-existent.

Hello: Diary;

today I just revealed a secret that I have never told. I told my therapist what I did and now I am so embarrassed and ashamed. Not sure that I can even talk to her again. OMG. What was I thinking? I don't think she will hold it against me, But I do I take full responsibility for my actions. I made the choice no matter how wrong it was I made the choice to do what I did. With my history, I don't know why I did that it was out of character for me. Yet it seemed so defying so powerful to control the situation for once.

The power of being in control, May God forgive me.

@scarletPear1945

I feel the same way that you feel. This describe me.

@selfconfidentTangerine1778

I hope that there is someone you can trust to talk about it and get it out. Skeletons have a way of haunting us.

I will listen and we can support one another I'll be a friend

All my friends claim to have mental illnesses but tell everyone, meaning everyone feels sorry for them. So let's say their is a fight everyone would immediately go on their side because they are 'depressed. But so am I. I'm pansexual, I have moderate depression and anxiety, I go on week long fasts because I hate the way I look. Also I self harm. And nobody cares for me. But I'm not going to tell people for attention....that's why I came here...

Why is it that people who are your family do so much to hurt one another? Wonder why life is so hard to live? Wonder why God allows so many bad things and he does nothing about it? Wonder how many people are really happy in this world? wonder how many true Christians there is today? Wonder why we go to church? Wonder how many people really believe the Bible? I wonder how many true friends there are today?

I JUST WONDER

Hello Diary

Pondering over yesterdays events. I was so upset with my family. I felt like I just wanted to kill off someone. I know this sounds a bit extream, but never the less it was how I felt. Nothing makes me angrier than someone taking me dumb or stupid.

Then I realize No one knows your story but your therapist. They don't know what you've had to contend with. They just know wife and mother. Don't know whether knowing would make a difference or not. But I think I'll just carry it to my grave.

Hello Diary:

It's me again, This week has been very eventful lots of wars erupted from within. But I fought my battles well and I stood my ground. Tired of running and tucking my tail as I fleed the scene. Today a victory I have won when the demons of hell tried to torment my soul. They scolded my soul as they ranted and raged. No place did I give the darts that were thrown. Today a victory I won, When they saw I stood so tall and sure they whispered words in the silence of night plans and plots to no avail. The arrows they threw were no match for me, They mounted their weapons an began an attack.The first arrow they shot was YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I in return raised my bow I shot the arrow I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH it hit dead center that villain vanished into then air. Another arrow was shot at me this arrow came with my name on it, It missed me by a mere fraction of what seemed like a hair. It came so close I felt the wind as it passed, That made me angry I grabbed my last and the only arrow pulled back with all my might as I aimed for the heart. Eyes fixed on the target I let go and watched as my arrow flew. Dead Center I hit that foe down to the ground the demon was gone. Today This battle I won

@scarletPear1945

Hi Scarlet😃, it's great that despite the battle, you have stood your ground. When you heard the whisper that you are not good enough, you fought back and said "I am more than enough". This is an encouragement, for all those that experience a daily battle with their inner critic. Thank you for posting this👍👏

hello, diary............This has been a heck of a day. My body hurts I think it's because I've been so angry and agitated.thought I was filling up my tank but I sprung a leak my gas tank hand is on the E......I feel like I am just running on the fumes. I want to be grateful and mindful and in the Present in the here and now but the struggle seems to be defeating and depleting All eyes on me to do right to be right to think right to treat right to talk right. I know I should and I have and all I get in return.is another spit in the eye.

Why is life so hard, why is being treated with decency now so rare? Trying to take ownership of what already should be what's rightfully mine.

THOUGHTS :

Just sitting here wondering what is the LIFE LESSON, that I am supposed to be learning from all the issues of life?

What message is my brain supposed to gain and master in this game of life? My thought is that no matter what happens we should see it through POSITIVE EYES. It does not matter the extent of the wounds or hurts, just look at them, feel them, and let them go.

FOCUS: on the gratitude and Gratefulness and my Attitude. All must be reflected in Positive Energy toward the Universe for anything less will be unproductive, futile and useless. I guess the quote that says " FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT'. I've done that all my life. Now I want and seek answers to questions asked, not just relying on to dictate or thrust their beliefs

WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO DISCONNECT TO ME

@scarletPear1945

This is how I feel and this is what it feels like

Dear diary: So exhausted with all the chaios going on in the house. ripping and running back and forth to the hospital to see about my husband. I sat there today for over an hour and all he talked about was him self and what he would not beable to do which he was not doing anything in the first place. He knew that I was having medical issues too. Which I wound up at 3 different ER's before I was able to be seen. Was there many hours as they ran test and put the IV in. But not one time did my husband say how are you doing, or what did the doctor say about you not one time. This really upset me and made me feel bad. That I am ripping and running had not even taken care of my own needs trying to be there for everyone else. When it hit me SELF CARhave E: I GOT UP BARELY ABLE TO WALK AND GRABBED MY STUFF AND TOLD MY HUSBAND I WAS GONE FOR THE DAY. I WENT GOT MY RX FILLED AND CAME HOME WHEN HE CALLED , I BROUGHT THE FACT YOU NEVER EVEN ASKED HOW I WAS . HE SAID YES I DID, I SAID NO YOU DID NOT AND REPEATED HIS CONVERSATION BACK TO HIM. THEN HE WANTED TO APOLIGIZE. This makes me feel so used an unappricated.Now I am angry with my self for falling into this pit. Got to figure out how to tell my daughter and grandson they are going to have to find them some where to go as we can not keep taking care of them and they not contribute to nothing to help. Takeing what my husband I have and eating up everything from me makes me mad. The mess we are in now is because of their lack of responsibility. We done our job rasing her now it's time to get back out their on your own. Yet I know you can not afford to do that. With car payments and insurance. But what you do have left you spend friviously. I can't even get you or your son to cleanup behind your selves. I did not raise you this way. I don't know what has happened to you. This is to much stress for your dad and I. You know your dad and I already issues and you two are making it worse. I know if I have to tep up and make this decision I am going to lose you. That is not what I want , you are my only family and I dond't want to destrory that. Being honest I think that I am having some type of heart issue that is brewing. Not trying to claim anything but from my nursing skills I have plenty symptoms that are leading me to feel this way. I will keep looking for a doctor to go to and check this out.

Please don't kill me off stressing over you two like I don't have enough on my plate. I am contimplating what I need or should do in away that won't be so devestating.

stressing over this Therapist deal: I really needed someone their for me. I feel that I tried to work with her but I feel like I have done her an injustice. Why I ask myself am I still struggleing with this? Why do I feel like I hurt her? Why do I feel the need for support from her that in some ways I did not understand. When I see her picturer in my chat box I want to click it and see what she has to say. Then the other part of me has just wrote her off and is just totally enraged with her.I don't know why I am on an emotional roller coaster. I really do mean that I just am not going to put myself back on the line with my stuff any more.

Yet I feel like something died in me and yet I still want to love this lady and hold on but I can not. My head is spirarlling out of control with feelings I don't understand. I feel like I have received the best help from the community than with her. But on this 3rd attempt she became so human and easy to talk to. It was such a difference in her personality that I thought she was someone else. I made comment to her that I appricated her change and it made it so much easier to talk to her. Then she just pumped me into saying stuff that had I of known would bite me I never would have said. I feel that was so unfair, Yet I understand her job but you missed the reason and just messed things up for me. How can she feel that was to my advantage? My family was unaware that I was useing therapy here or even had any knowledge of my use of this site until Therapist called in Protective services. I have refused to click the chat button and she is trying to get me to answer her. But I am just to trusting to trust my own self right now. Let her keep wondering what is happening or what has happened she opened the door, and I am not at home to answer.