My Silent Voice (Diary)
My notes for today: Fake people with Fake motives yet they are the ones you are suppose to love and care about??
It is so hard to change me when daily I face the same unproductive crap that keeps feeding on my Traums's How do you get out of this dark hole when everything around you keeps dragging you into this pit. I never knew Love and I've had to make my pain my pleasure and find Happyness in it. Makes me wonder are some people born just to endure torrment and abuse. I trive as I just want to survive, The saying we all have the right to life and the pursuit of happyness. I'm still looking, still trying to find what should already be mine.
ScarletPear1945
Today has been a hard day. I've been tearry eyed for no reason. My thoughts are racing faster than my head can process them. Every thing today seems to have had a Trigger. I try to smile and grin and ssay positive things. I work on my Growth Path and yet I feel no mental release.
The voices from with in my head screem at me .I quickly jump into place where I can smother them out. Quite the screems and whaleings that torment my soul. I must Silence the voice from within. Flashing sceans of Past events damccing before me like a streak of light. I feel I am loosing me like stepping into a quicksand pit. Where the more I struggle to get out the deeper I sink. Knowing I need help but remembering when I did I almost lost my life. My Abusers are dead now but the fear they instilled in me has paralyzed and silenced my voice. So I sweep it away beneath the rug only moving it from place to place.
@scarletPear1945
I Wonder what my life would have been like if I had grew up knowing what any type of Love expressions felt like. From age 4 when the incest began with my adopted father. My mom accused me of taking the only thing she ever loved away from her, Her Husband. I never could please her. I never did anything right to her. All I was good for was a good Screwing from some man. My 10th birthday I got a Douche bag. I had no clue what to do with that. Mom thought it very funny. I was accused of letting my dad in our house when she went to work and having had the police find his finger prints going up to my bedroom. Yet I am only about 9. When I came home from school I would have to pull my underwear down and she would make me bend over and she would examine my private parts. It was so degrading to me. I felt violated over and over again.She made me prance around naked in front of my cousins, For punishment.
@scarletPear1945
I understand how you feel. I feel the same way. Some of my abuse are dead or still alive.
@selfconfidentTangerine1778
I see we have a lot in common. How are you doing? I am here if you want to talk
im stuck. my husband died i am a widow
i traded in my youth for stability i know but my kids are grown almost an after 20 yrs.
i am alone fat boring and depressed
realizing i gave all my time to my family i dont know what to do for myself its just hitting me i am alone no person for me my person is gone the one who didnt care if i have morning breath...
but it was hard his illness the last10 yrs bitter sweet day 2 in bed and idc....
@lightRaspberries6608
I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard to be alone I know how you feel. You are not alone in your experience. I pray that things will improve for you.
Hello Me: just want to tell you that you have got to fight all STINKING THINKING.
REFLECT ON POSITIVE THINGS. STOP, REST, BREATH,MEDITATE
She does not live there anymore: My Adopted dad would sometimes take me to this house where all I was allowed to do was watch from the car window. What was I being shown? I was told that it was the house of a Blood relative On my Real Fathers side. I could not see much because of the distance of the car and the house. But I was brought there so many times that I fixed a picture in my head and I was going to run away and go to this house. For years I fantasized about how glad my real people would be to see me and my life would change for the good. Early one Saturday morn when awakened to scrub pots I took off running out the side door and down the walkway I ran as fast as my legs would go. I made it to that house that was forbidden. I knocked on the door and ask the man if my aunt was home. He said she was at the store but I could come in and wait. I was 15 when this happened. I came in and I was excited, I was going to meet a real relative that would love me and be glad I came.................
Having been from pillow to post. Home to home, There was no place for me no one to give a damn. People would say"IF HER MOTHER DON"t give a damn about her why should we". I often heard those words being spoken by the adults., Even to this day, my life has been filled with assaults and violence, Rape and molestation and abuse. That's all I know is the pain. Thriving to survive has been my mission. My Rape Baby I tried to raise because I did not want people to do him like me. If I would have had support after this rape I probably would have been aborted. My issue with my baby was that the Bible says children are a gift of God. Why would God give me a child from this violent act against me> still makes no sense. Then to let him get killed 1992 of September shot 17 times and threw in an empty field like trash. Born in violence and died violently. Was this Gods Joke??? I am ANGRY, I AM HURT, I AM CONFUSED AND ENRAGED..............
Today has been a long day. I drove my self to the doctor, usually, Melvin takes me but today we had to go in different directions.Since I had the epidural injection I have not been waking to good. My legs get very heavy. My Doctor was not happy with my A!C it was up to 10.1. Now she wants me to take two shots a day and stick my finger 3 times a day. I hate that. Got home and talked to my therapist for a bit. Then I fell asleep. Ging to drop my car off to get a new radio.
Well, today has been an extremely hard day. I woke up with the TV on a channel that set off Triggers and Flashbacks. Then I blew up some eggs in the microwave. Did not know I was supposed to crack the eggs before I put them in the microwave. Lesson learned today. I thought that I had destroyed the microwave the explosion was so loud. Eggs everywhere, nothing left to eat (LOL). Then the Plumer arrived he cut out the ceiling and told us the problem is in the upstairs shower which we just paid three thousand dollars to renovate has a leak. So I called the company that installed the new shower only for them to say they went out of business. Then I had a doctor appointment that I went to sat for several hours and never saw the doctor so I got mad and left. This was a day I think would have been better if I would have never got out of bed. Well Diary I hope tomorrow will be better
Alienation:
Hello, diary, I've been away from you for a while. But I needed to stop by and talk to you for awhile.I needed a place that I can just be me. No frills no fluff just the real stuff. Is there something about me that brings the wolf out of people??? Do we as the human race really know the power of words spoken? Words can give life or they can speak death. The Bible says that Life and Death are in the Power of the Tongue.I feel so out of my time frame or time zone. I feel invisible or alienated from all the world. I often feel like I am in a foreign country where no one speaks English. Where words don't mean what they are supposed to I feel detached from everything and everyone, It feels like I've stepped in an ocean of pure quicksand. I struggle to keep from being pulled in but the more I struggle the deeper I sink. Off in the distance, I hear this faint voice saying"RESISTANCE IS FUTILE". So relax let go and you will come out ok. I say but the unknown often is uncomfortable and unnerving. Just say WHATEVER WILL BE WILL BE and just let go/////////////
Not to happy with me today. I keep trying to get on track of feeling better but I am missing the target by a milestone. I just don't even know I am nor whose I am. I feel like I am drowning in my own sea of crap. I know life happens and things happen in life I don't need to hear that over and over again. Still, does not change the fact that you are hurting inside. How do you get help or ask for help when you your self don't know what is wrong. I was young once with the struggle I was told to basically suck it up. I did, Now I am old still sucking up stuff that has never had a resolution. spiraling like a meteorite in space.
What will the ending of this story be????????
Hello Diary:
Today is Friday and the week is coming to a close.It's been a long hard week with lots of incidents that have been very draining.
I feel so un in touch with myself that I thought I would take this time out just to focus on my own self. I feel like I have lost my direction and I am wondering in the wilderness.Standing at the crossroads of my life wondering which way to go.
Life is hard and is not for the weak or faint at heart. Rember the PAC-Man Game?? I feel like that the more goblins you can eat and remove from your path the further you go. People are like that if they can Gobel you up before you get them. It's Lifes game.
