My Sea

Yesterday I remembered Z. I remembered how he was controlling of me, how he made me feel so uncomfortable but I couldn't say NO.

We were at college together and he was 4 years older than me. I was warned about him by my dad, because I was only 17, I was told to be careful as while he could be fine he could also be predatory. I was told by my best friends mum that she had a bad feeling about him, that she was worried for my safety. But I was young and I didn't understand that things start small before they escalate. I didn't understand how predators worked. I feel like it was my fault, that I was not strong enough to make him stop.

He only did uncomfortable things when no one else we knew was around, but he would make me do things when we were in public. He told me that it was normal, that he did this with other girls. But it wasn't normal, it was things that only couples do, and we were not a couple. I ended up hiding from him, I realised that the warnings were valid, I didn't feel safe with him. I wouldn't answer his messages, but he would still send them. I made new friends, but he would come and talk to me when I was with them and my friends thought he was odd but a nice guy. I couldn't tell my friends what he wanted, I just told them that I didn't want to be anywhere near him.

I was scared to block him, but I did. I got away from him. I have not heard from him in 2 years now.

I had forgotten, I think maybe I repressed it all, I had blocked him out in my brain. Now it has all resurfaced. I remember how he made me feel. I am scared again. I do not want to be touched. I want the memories to go away.

Today my mum was talking to me about how her mother hasn't called in a while. My mum and grandmother don't really get along that well, and my mum has been telling me that she was neglected as a child, that my grandmother didn't care to form a good relationship with me and my sister the way she has with my cousins. So it is better for everyone when my grandmother doesn't call, but it is a little strange as she normally calls every few months.

Now it gets complicated, as I don't call my family at all when I am not living with them. My mum said that it is different, that I know that I can call if I need to. But to me is it not so different. I don't call them and they don't call me. When I am away from them I don't want to go back. I said that I would never go back for more than a few weeks, but circumstances have made it so. I am here until september. On wednesday things got so bad between me and my sister that I said (not for the first time) that I would be happy to never see her again. And to most people it sounds like I just need a break and I will love my family again in a few days. But that feeling never goes away. I just keep it to myself until I cannot hold it anymore.

I am not sure if I love my family. I have been told that love is close to hate, but I don't hate my family anymore. I used to hate them for what they did to me, for the abuse they put me through, but now I don't know what I feel. The cycle is continuing. I don't hate my mum and my mum doesn't hate my grandmother. We all just tolerate each other it seems. We see each other because we have to, not because we want to.

I don't want to live like this forever. But if I told my mum that the way she and my sister treated me was abusive it would probably break her. She doesn't think what she did was abuse. She told me she worries about wether she was a good mum, and people have told her that she was, she did the best she could. But she wasn't. She was a terrible mother.

How am I supposed to feel valid if everyone brushes everything aside? How am I supposed to feel when I wasn't meant to be here in the first place?

I'm really struggling. I'm scared. I have my assessment for therapy on tuesday. Now that its so close I am terrified. I don't want to go. I want to pretend that nothing is wrong. I want to pretend that everything is normal. My parents don't understand, they think it is just for basic counselling. I told my mum that the therapy people think I have a personality disorder, and that this is long term group therapy, but she doesn't really listen. She just brushed it off saying "oh no you don't have that". But she doesn't know anything that goes on inside my head. I hide everything. She taught me not to show my emotions, to hide inside myself or face her anger. I'm not valid to them. My problems are not valid.

Today has been hard. My mum was really angry this morning, yelling and slamming things. She said really horrible things. I couldn't handle it, I had to get away from her and burst into tears. I was already anxious about my appointment, and then she made me scared about what she was going to do, scared to come home. And this evening she told me that she hates her mother, and that she doesn't want me to ever say the same thing about her. She doesn't seem to realise all the abuse she put me through, and I can't tell her. I can't tell her that she caused part of my problems. She shouted that I never want to be at home, but why would I want to be here when I am treated like this?

I feel broken. It feels like I'm drowning, I'm waving at the shore hoping someone will notice and help me but no one does. I'm not sure how much longer I can take it.

I've been told I have a personality disorder, but only the therapist understands that I have something wrong with me. The doctors just think I am a stupid girl that has no reason to be unwell. I tried to talk to my mum but she just brushed it off and I'm too scared to try and talk to my parents about it again. I just want to be listened to. I want to be valid. I want to matter.

@FloweringBunny

I hope you feel better and safer today!