More than half my life later, I still hurt
My most significant trauma occurred during my teen years, but life wasn't too great before that either. I grew up with parents who believed that something was wrong with me from an early age. Because I got anxious, they would make negative comparisons between me and my grandmother who had a mental illness...from the time I was very small. They claimed that they always knew something was wrong with me. So when a friend of theirs began sexually abusing me when I was 12 and I came forward about it at age 14, they did not believe me, punished me, told me that I was crazy, took away all my privileges, and made my life miserable. Eventually, they saw some of the evidence of what was happening for themselves. They apologized to me, then promptly told me that we must sweep the whole thing under the rug because no one would believe me anyway, and they thought I should consider the feelings of my abuser and his family. They also said my abuser was old and probably senile, so he probably didn't know what he was doing. I've tried to maintain some sort of relationship with my parents since this, but it has never worked. They want me to "let it go" and "get over it" because they believe that forgiveness means sweeping things under the rug. I've made an effort for years to deal with the hurt I feel inside as a result of this, including all the mental health issues and addictions I've dealt with. Nothing has ever done any good, and I've reached the conclusion that therapy and mental health services are not what they claim to be. I'm not sure of how to proceed in my life. I think maybe I'll always feel miserable inside despite trying all kinds of ways not to be. I'm in my 30s now, and this happened over half my life ago.
@rainboweucalyptus
That sounds incredibly painful for you, that something has dominated your life in that way. And you know why it has? Because it was significant, thats why. And whatever youre being told by your parents, you do have a right to be heard, and your abuser was in the wrong. And theyre invalidating that by their actions. No wonder you hurt.
It strikes me here that you know the truth. That you were significantly traumatised by events in your childhood, and that despite your parents desire to see it all go away, its not as simple as that. It was your abuser who was in the wrong, not you for speaking out. You were young and innocent, you were at the age where you needed care and nurturing, and that was stolen from you. Its okay for you to be hurt by that. It may be half your life ago, but it mattered hugely, and yet you felt unheard.
You may not be able to get your parents to recognise the significance of what happened to you, but you can do. You can acknowledge it was wrong. That it wasnt your fault. That it should never have happened. You dont have to tell yourself to get over it, or pretend it didnt happen. You can allow yourself to work through this at your pace, to treat yourself with care and compassion, to nurture that hurt, lonely and scared child thats inside you, feeling unheard and to blame. It was not your fault.