Learning to move on

@honestpanda81

Hey there ! Letting go, moving on and healing takes immense courage and patience, it's a long journey for you, but you're willing to try and you will do you your best in thinking about the best for yourself, and day by day, step by step, it will get better , someday or later . Keep going,you got this my friend !!

I don't remember much of what happened. A part of me wishes I did, just so I could understand it, but I know it is a blessing that I remember so little of the worst moments of my life.

I hate that it affects me so much in spite of that. I hadn't even known it had happened, until I started piecing the memories together, and then everything fell apart and fell into place at the same time. The fear haunts me, the shame follows every action I've made ever since, and the pain has manifested in so much hatred I can hardly stand myself sometimes.

I hate that it drives me to do all these self destructive things. I just want to live. I just want to be normal. I don't want to live in fear anymore

I am safe now.

I guess that's the hardest thing to believe. After years and years of fear, I'm learning to feel safe again. I'm learning to trust, and to relax. It's so hard sometimes. But I have to keep trying I can't undo the past. I can't change what other people do or say or believe. All I can do is focus on getting better and becoming stronger. I need to focus on healing. I need to focus on just breathing and getting through each day. I need to focus on the things I can change, and things I can do. I'm not small and naive anymore. I can take care of myself now. And I'm going to keep learning to get it right

This past week I've been suspecting that a boy in my class is into me. He's been acting a little strangely and there are little shifts in his behaviour and the way he talks to me.

I'm so scared. I am terrified. I have been on high alert around him and about his every movement because of this paralyzing fear, which is particularly difficult because his desk is right next to mine. (Thank goodness for social distancing) He's big and strong and I just can't stop thinking about the fact that if he wanted to hurt me he could. If he wanted to hit me or drag me somewhere I wouldn't be able to stop him. If he wanted something from me he wouldn't have to ask. I feel so small and weak and scared. All I want to do is run away.

I am so scared. I don't want to go back to school for fear of needing to sit at my desk so close to him. I've been trying to put on a brave face and pretend everything's normal, but it's so difficult. I don't want to hurt his feelings but I can't help rejecting everything he tries to talk to me and be friendly with me. It doesn't help that he's not a great person to begin with.

I want to stop thinking about him and being afraid. I can't talk to anyone about this because they would think this would mean that I was into him. I'm not! Never! I'm terrified and this is not funny and I wish he would just stop talking to me or looking at me.

I don't know what to do. Because of the coronavirus, we have assigned seats, and I have to sit there for the rest of the school year.

Please make it stop

Why is he scary? Does he give stalker vibes ?

Lately I've been feeling like a mess

Certain events brought back some memories and realities that I've been running away from, and I've also been really stressed out preparing for the big exams I have coming up. I'm really scared that I won't do well but I'm also really tired of studying. More importantly though, is how I've been feeling about this whole trauma thing. I can't help but get angry. It's been so long, shouldn't things like this get better with time? What exactly is the point of all of this suffering? I feel like at this point i deserve a good break - can someone point me in the right direction?

I did the right thing though. Somehow I managed to hold off the impulse to sh again. I thought for sure I'd give in this time but I didn't - it actually surprised me. I told someone about it too. For the first time I told someone in real life about what happened. I said the words out loud even though they made me feel sick. Took several tries because it kept getting stuck in my throat but I said it. I went in really thinking there was a chance I wouldn't cry during the call. I sobbed for the entire half an hour that we spoke. I cried so hard that my eyes were swollen for a full day. It was painful, especially when I told him about how I scared I was to think about the reality of stuff like this in the world. The number of people who go through what I went through every year is staggering and so completely horrifying that it doesn't even feel real.

The worst thing was the guilt. Could I have done anything to stop it from happening? I was a kid, but still. I'm not a kid anymore, are there things I can still do? Did I do the right thing to call a gosh darn suicide hotline when I wasn't even feeling suicidal? Why did I feel so hecking awful afterwards? The operator was kind and validating and supportive and honestly the best listener ever - I was so completely blown away by how well he handled the conversation that I honestly wanted to ask him - in the middle of recounting the most traumatic experience of my life - how he picked up those skills so well.

Still felt awful. Is that the reality of trauma? That you can take a thousand steps, a giant leap, or gosh darn teleport forward and still have days that feel as awful as the day it first started. That's depressing.

But I'm grateful that in all of these things I'm learning. I watched the show It's Okay To Not Be Okay on Netflix and dammit I cried so hard at some of those scenes. My type of experience wasn't directly included, but it was gut-wrenching to see what was basically a giant metaphor for trauma and healing play out across the screen. I shan't spoil it for anyone who happens to read this and intends to watch the show, but all the themes and stories and lessons that were brought were so relevant to the messiness of healing and mental health that it took my breath away.

Don't want to forgive your abuser? Even if it was your own gd parent who is now on their deathbed? Valid. People who witness abuse but choose to look away and not step in are complicit in the abuse? Especially if it was, again, your own gd parent? Check. Having one good memory of an abuser doesn't mean they were a good person after all? Absolutely. Beauty and the beast is cute on the surface but let's not forget that grooming is a horrifying reality to be avoided at all costs and your love isn't responsible for fixing anyone? Yep. Choosing to temporarily walk away from a romantic relationship in order to work on recovering and becoming a healthy, functioning person before committing to said relationship? Omg why is this so inspiring. Don't run from your memories, face them head on and learn to live regardless? Yes! Abusers didn't take away your life, maybe they just took away your courage to pursue your own happiness? So one day when you've overcome the trauma you'll be free to live a happy life? Yay! Humans are inherently weak and that's what brings them together so they can lean on each other and support each other through the bad things in life? I have melted and will be lying in a puddle of warmth for the next five minutes

Alright, writing this post has cheered me up, so I'll be rewatching another episode of this show to relive all these heartwarming moments - let's keep working on recovery, no matter how frustrating it gets, because it's worth it