Just diary (loneliness, anxiety, friends)

@SkyblueClementine1798

I love the diary as a way to unleash all of those feelings, keep crushing it!

Sat- dec 31 st (error - yesterday was dec 30th), 2022

I started calling and FaceTiming my mom … it feels good. Like, really good. Idk why but I seem to have this emotional bond with my mom. it’s tough though because she seems to be infatuated with me and looks to me for fulfilling her unmet childhood needs, it’s so hard to set boundaries with her. If there’s this part of me that feels so guilty of not being nice to her and trying to meet her needs all the time. I don’t feel so lonely anymore. I guess reconnecting with her and trying to build the triggers and wounded parts of me that are struggling to set boundaries with her is one of the best ways to heal this loneliness. 😁 YAYY

I want to say that I shifted my view of games, from prioritizing victories, to prioritizing connections instead. I realize that when I play to win, I feel empty when I play to enjoy this bonding time with teammates I feel just so much better.🥰 yay I’m feeling so much better now.

@SkyblueClementine1798 I just wanted to let you know your not alone with wanting to connect with someone similar it will happen eventually just coming into contact with people and trying to share with them your real thoughts and feelings and thats a great idea going places where your more likely to find someone similar - but having those negative thoughts about yourself that that your scary or unlovable or unrelatable and that people are shying away from you also those thoughts can prevent you from trying to connect that its not worth trying. Those people could be having those exact same thoughts and interpreting your actions the same way (making you and them even more similar lol) thats why communication is so important without it misunderstandings are inevitable and guaranteed to happen. So dont give up keep trying your thoughts making you feel like giving up remember is coming from you those thoughts not that other person.

Thurs - 1/5/22

I'm thinking of becoming a psychiatrist instead of a therapist now. My analyzing skills are so good and I'm so sensitive. Psychiatrists who are people of color, trauma-informed, neurodivergence-informed seem to exist so little. I wanna be that person who knows what others similar to me are going through.

@SkyblueClementine1798

I totally relate. I sometimes try to join in a conversation and people look at me weird, like what are you talking about? I think it's a natural trauma response to feel like you are isolated and alone, but you are definitely not unlovable or unrelatable. You deserve happiness just like everyone else an you will find it :)

My psychiatrist didn’t believe me I had ocd and didn’t want to change my medications. She wasn’t even willing to hear what medication I wanted to switch to. She said, “I wish there were a magic pill that could treat all your symptoms but there isn’t one.” But like I think that anti depressants could just help me but I didn’t feel like saying it because she already said she doesn’t want to change my treatment plan. I *** hate her. Why can’t they just believe me? I know I said that I thought stimulants worked for me and at the end it didn’t, and that I’ve switched from medications to medications. But that doesn’t make me less trustworthy, but she made me feel that way. My intuitions are kinda… wait… I’m just so confident my intuitions and gut feelings about what i have are always correct… hmm. Maybe they aren’t always correct. Maybe she was preventing the possibility of me going thru that time when adderall almost killed me. Ohhhhhhhhhh…. Wtf ok

1/5/22- thurs

Okay it’s crazy but I rlly don’t wanna self diagnose anymore. I might miss out on some diagnoses of really really rare disease or conditions but thats very rare, i rn haven’t had it impacting me. Even if I do, my symptoms would be treated with, and they would work. It’s hard to have a perfect diagnosis or pill that treats everyone perfectly suited to their needs, maybe almost impossible.

I sometime seem to be super prone to confirmation bias and placebo effect with the symptoms and searches on the internet. And it’s not been helpful.

I’m going to try to trust in the trained professionals, the doctors, the psychiatrists. Because not trusting them here in my case lead me more to my downfall. Ohhh wait so it was a distrust in the world

1/6/22 - afternoon after guest lecture

hyperviligance, social anxiety, after effects of trauma

Everything is so loud that I can't even think. It's so hard to think. So hard to reach out for support. Too tiring to do so. But if I do take out the phone and reach for support, I literally had so space and energy to do so, because I'd go into sensory meltdown where breathing and thinking and using words would hurt. If I don't take out my phone though, I don't rlly have support from others that they know what I'm going through. What the ***. Then I'm in this idea that I'm always going thru this Allen. It's so hard. I don't even have enough energy to process my emotions or grief in this. Because when things are tough, I try to punch things or sob.

Things on my mind:

1. Feeling like talking to someone who I always walk by and have this super awkward interaction but feeling like not having the energy to

2. Attending several workshops and classes and keeping track of everything

3. Have to drink enough water and eat enough nutrients

4. Meditate

5. Exercise

6. Proving my psychiatrist that straterra doesn't help and I still have sensory processing issues and i want anti depressants. But why is there always a part of me that feels like i want things to be better? It's not helping at all! Why!? Is it saying something? Is it trying to say something? It seems like it's always wanting to get the best of the best. I mean *** it's saying that I'm just constantly easily overwhelmed, and it's the pill isn't helping as I expected. Why would I accept a pill that I feel like it only helps a little bit?

Actions: drink a lotta water, exercise daily, journal, reach out for help

I'm scared. I feel like i can't talk to anyone. the sharing circle rn is full of people who is wasting time, who are super regulated, and who gives advice.

1/18/23 - things are lining up for me. But rn it seems super hard. Having parents coming over to campus and it’s so hard to prepare mindfully, to script things beforehand so that they don’t cross boundaries and make me suffer. But I’m just gonna adapt the mindset of not taking care for them and not going shive and beyond, even if it’s compassion. I don’t have that capacity yet. And there’s meetings to remneber, and then having to drop a class. Ugh. It’s so much to do. Jesus. Then I have homework’s and readings and discussions to prepare for on top of that. Ok then I guess I’m not gonna to to the guest lectures and just slip back to dorm whenever I feel like it. Then there’s this club meeting which I feel very pressured to do, because I’d have to walk there again…. I don’t have the physically capacity to walk so much under such cold weather. And the vid game club is so important to me, I already gave the presidents the impression that I’m super able-bodied and mentally capable of handling things. ***… I’ll just go to the meeting doing the bare minimum because I always go overboard. I’ll be like “yeah let’s do that! Let’s just have a small group and play games with them” that simple. I’ll also just have some small meals w my family.

im also gonna rmind myself that my mental health and ihysicsly health is still priority and I still have a mental disability, and no class or i I one work or club meeting is more important that my health. I’ll just let Henry know that I’m super tired too. Ok that feels a lot better free writing this