I was raped TW
I never really thought I would utter those words but it's what happened to me. A recent incident has triggered these painful memories and after talking to a couple of listeners here recently I realised I need to stop hiding from the truth but I'm not ready to do that in real life so here goes.
At the beginning of my final year of university (October 2013), I went on a night out, I left the night early and headed home, I bumped into a guy who seemed friendly, I recognised him from around campus (it's a small campus), he helped me walk home, I let him into my room and he forced himself on me. I tried to push him away from me but I wasn't strong enough, even though I had been drinking I repeatedly said no but he told me to shut up and just enjoy it. he left once he was finished and told me to keep quiet, I just laid there shocked and confused. I know I should have reported him but I didn't, I felt so ashamed and like it was my fault. to this day only one friend knows what happened to me and I tend to avoid the subject..
from there my life seemed to be on a downward spiral, I was hurt and angry and confused, I fell into depression, struggled with the pressure of uni, I started self harming to cope I didn't sleep and if I did I woke from nightmares and worse still I saw him regularly around campus. we never spoke again but I know he talked about me.
I still feel ashamed and responsible and like it's my fault I was hurt. I feel like I should have known better and not put myself in such a vulnerable position.
I'm struggling so much right now, I would really appreciate any hugs.
Thank you for reading
Jem