I was raped TW
I never really thought I would utter those words but it's what happened to me. A recent incident has triggered these painful memories and after talking to a couple of listeners here recently I realised I need to stop hiding from the truth but I'm not ready to do that in real life so here goes.
At the beginning of my final year of university (October 2013), I went on a night out, I left the night early and headed home, I bumped into a guy who seemed friendly, I recognised him from around campus (it's a small campus), he helped me walk home, I let him into my room and he forced himself on me. I tried to push him away from me but I wasn't strong enough, even though I had been drinking I repeatedly said no but he told me to shut up and just enjoy it. he left once he was finished and told me to keep quiet, I just laid there shocked and confused. I know I should have reported him but I didn't, I felt so ashamed and like it was my fault. to this day only one friend knows what happened to me and I tend to avoid the subject..
from there my life seemed to be on a downward spiral, I was hurt and angry and confused, I fell into depression, struggled with the pressure of uni, I started self harming to cope I didn't sleep and if I did I woke from nightmares and worse still I saw him regularly around campus. we never spoke again but I know he talked about me.
I still feel ashamed and responsible and like it's my fault I was hurt. I feel like I should have known better and not put myself in such a vulnerable position.
I'm struggling so much right now, I would really appreciate any hugs.
Thank you for reading
Jem
I'm sorry this happened to you. You get a lot of hugs from me.
If you would like to schedule a chat send me a message, I will do my best to support you with what you are going through.
I am so sorry that happened to you. You should report him because he could continue doing that to other innocent girls. It is not your fault in any way shape or form. I would probably seek professional help, such as a therapist or a support group that talks about these kind of situations.
I am really sorry this happened to you, but you shouldn't blame yourself for it. It's not your fault.You never wanted it. If only I could give you a hug right now I would, but for now here's a virtual hug *hug*. Tell me if you need a teddy bear. I'm here:)
I'm sorry for you. I don't know anybody who has been raped, but I can definitely understand that it can be a traumatic experience, soI understand where you're coming from. I would give you a hug, but we aren't talking irl, so...
You should definitely report this guy though, or do something about him and tell about him.
Thank you all for replying to my post, I felt nervous posting and I guess in some ways very vulnerable. I feel good for having shared and I really appreciate the support.
I know I should have reported him, it scares me knowing he could have hurt someone else and that if he has it would be my fault for not doing anything. I was so scared, he made it clear if I spoke to anyone he would hurt me again. I felt dirty, ashamed and I blamed myself so in my head I thought others would do. I'm a law graduate an some would say that is more reason to have reported but I know the system, I know how it works and I know I'll be viewed as irresponsible and like I asked for it..
I read cases about sexual assault and rape throughout my degree all the time and I never for a second blame the victims and yet I find it so easy to assign blame to myself. I feel like I should have known better. It's hard accepting I allowed myself to be so vulnerable.
Sorry for rambling so much
Jem
Also I have to say, don't worry one moment about what you did or didn't do after he attacked you.
If your home was bombed by an enemy air force and you survived, well you might crawl up through the rubble and do the best you could to put things in order. You certainly wouldn't be expected to track down the enemy bombers and prevent them from bombing others. You would leave that to the air force and just concentrate on picking up the pieces you know? No sane person would expect more from someone whose home had just been destroyed.
It's the same with what happened to you. You were traumatized and hurt in one of the worst crimes a human can do to another - so I think it is unfair to add to your burden the added responsability of whether you reported or not, whether you fought or not etc.
There is no shame whatsoever in just surviving such a vicious attack. The responsability is not on you - it's on the criminal who hurt you.
Take gentle care...
unfortunately I do worry about it, I know that I can't be responsible for his actions against someone else, I guess I just feel like people would be aware of him and what he was capable of had I spoken out.
his threat echoed loudly in my head which is the main reason I didn't speak out, I know I maybe shouldn't have taken that threat seriously, many use threats to keep people quiet. in my head all I could think about was he knew where I lived and had already hurt me once. I find myself wondering had I been sober would he have still taken advantage of me or would I have been able to defend myself better... I don't know the answer to this and I know it's possible he still could have hurt me. I just didn't want to take that chance. I know I don't have to report him and its okay not to do so, it's just the guilt that's hard to live with.
I know I should be happy I survived but the aftermath of what happened has been a huge struggle. a part of me feels like I should be past this, it was a long time ago now but I'm not.
It's so hard
It wasn't your fault and you were not to blame at all. The rapist was a criminal and all guilt belongs on his head. It doesn't matter that you were drinking. It doesn't matter that he helped you walk home. It doesn't matter that he was in your dorm room. It is never okay to commit that crime and nothing excuses it.
I'm glad you were able to post what happened here...that was courageous of you to tell your story.
I'm sorry you had that experience. How sad that he seemed nice at first.
Thank you
unfortunately many people who do this are friendly and nice, I know lots of people thought he was a great guy and I still hear good things about him.
I didn't know him before this, I had just seen him around, I find it hard to trust my own judgement now.
((((((Jem))))))
I wanted to let you know about a couple of other resources online for survivors, one is a site called Pandora's Aquarium and the other is called After Silence and they are both good places that are peer to peer support for sexual assault survivors.
Also I wonder if you've talked with anyone in real life about what happened? If there is a crisis center in your area you might consider calling their hotline - just to tell your story and get support. It's great that you've broken the silence here! Sometimes it helps to hear another's voice though...
The crisis center I volunteer for also has walk in counseling and they keep things confidential and the first several sessions are free. I wonder if there is something in your area like that?
I'm sorry, I hope this isn't giving advice of what you should do but I wanted you to know there are resources out there, and that, maybe sadly, you are definitely not alone in having this happen. It wasn't your fault - and you are not alone.
(((((((((((Jem))))))))
Thank you, hugs are very much appreciated!
I haven't really looked up resources that could help, untill recently I didn't feel like I deserved help or support. I will have a look at those websites.
I have only told one person what happened to me, she is a friend from university. it took a long time to tell her and the only reason I did was because she found out I had been self harming and I felt I owed her an explanation. She tries to get me to talk about it but I either get really upset or shut the conversation down completely.
I know there is a rape crisis centre nearby that has a hotline and offers walk in counselling. My friend found me all this information but I never found the courage to call.
Not at all, I know there is help out there, it's just asking for it, it's hard knowing others have been through this but it helps knowing I'm not alone.
Thank you
Jem
Hi Jemm
I just wanted to offer you my support. You have done nothing wrong whatsoever my friend and it is not in any way, your fault. I understand how a traumatic event can impact on someone's life. I think you have tremendous courage having to face the coward that did this to you by attending the same campus. I too have to face the person who hurt me by being in the same environment as them and i understand how difficult it is. I believe you can overcome what happened and be a wonderful lawyer. Hugs my friend.
I'm sorry you can relate.. if I'm honest I don't know how I did it, all I wanted to do was forget and he was an almost daily reminder that it wasn't just an awful nightmare but that it did actually happen. It was even harder knowing he talked about me to his friends, he made it seem like I had consented etc I just did my best to ignore it all.
now that university is over I no longer have to see him thankfully, we have both moved back home. I thought it would make things easier but sadly it didn't.
Thank you
Jem
I believe in you Jem. You can over come this. If you ever need someone to chat to, please message me.