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It wasn't my fault.

WanderingWitch June 8th, 2017
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A long story short: 4 years ago, my dad abused me which basically lead me to leap off the highest point in my life only to land facedown in probably my lowest.

That's not the intent of this post, though.

This happened during a time where I was so certain of myself, it bordered on the egotistical. This whole time, I've held myself in contempt. I've told myself that it happened because I cared about myself and I saw myself as valid. For 4 years I've thought that if I had just seen myself as insignificant, I wouldn't have had to face that kind of situation in my life, and I would be successful.

But I know I'm healing because now I can see how bullshit that is and the real reason this has hurt for so long is because I haven't cared for myself. Reasons as to why it happened don't really matter in this context; regardless of whether it was "my fault" I'm still deserving of my own self respect and the truth is, I'm never going to be happy until I do.

I only blame myself because it gives me a sense of control over an otherwise chaotic situation. It's easier to think that you're the one that needs to change.

But really, the only way I need to change is in such a way that I become happier and more at peace with who I am. This whole time I thought that there was something inherently wrong with me and I feel so free to finally realize:

It wasn't my fault.

1
DeborahUK June 8th, 2017
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@RobynLianne20

What a wonderful realisation! It makes you wonder why so many of us can blame ourselves for so very long over something another person did to us. It's interesting what you say - 'I only blame myself because it gives me a sense of control over an otherwise chaotic situation. It's easier to think that you're the one that needs to change'.

It's a good point, and one I've heard made before. Question is then, how do you overturn that desire to retain control of such a situation? Maybe it's only when you reach your lowest low, your most vulnerable, that you're finally able to accept you don't have control, and never did. It never was your doing, you didn't cause it, nor deserve it.

I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through, but it's inspirational that you're finding your way past it, and recognising it wasn't your fault. Thanks so much for sharing.

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