I know he’s abusing me but I can’t leave!
TRIGGERS - DV PHYSICAL EMOTIONAL PSYCHOLOGICAL
This is a hell of a long story to tell so I’ll keep the first bit brief to get us up to present day
we met, he was amazing, he was honest about his past, I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread and fell hesd over heels.
typical love bombing phase… he proposed 3 weeks later and moved in with me…. Typical love bomb phase
then he turned into a demon…a small list of things he’s done and I will describe each event on its own post
took the keys out of the ignition whilst I was driving on an icy road
twice
bruised me
cut me
thrown things at me
tortured me and gave me ptsd with his porn addiction
harassed me
bullied me
gaslighted me
smashed up my house
called me every name imaginable
just a small list
we broke up for 2 months and he started to do better SO I TOOK HIM BACK!!!
were 6 months into our second try and he’s gradually slipped back into drinking and smoking constantly and talking to me horrible
but there’s a twist in my story
he has borderline personality disorder - I didn’t know this until we had been together 6 months and I paid for him to have a private psychiatrist
I can’t stop feeling sorry for him
I want him to move out but I feel sorry for him
I don’t want him to touch me but I feel sorry for him
I don’t want to talk to him but I feel sorry for him
l feel like being an empath is my curse, iv been prescribed mitazipine for the ptsd and I’m starting to care less and less about him and more about me…. He is treating me terrible… his family don’t help, my family don’t help, everyone just says leave him! That’s what I want to do! Will someone actually help me remove him please!
the last 2 times I got him out, he became very violent with an axe and both times got arrested for violence…. 2 exes have him through the courts for DV
i refuse to leave my hone, this is my house with my name on it, and everything in it is mine, we have no kids, not married why is this so damn hard!
I wish I could be kinder to myself and feel sorry for myself and take action a lot more than I am and in body, he thinks he has manipulated me again, in my mind I’m saying everything I want to say to him in my inner voice, and then feeling guilty for it.
I feel like I’m going crazy … he has moved his phone a few times and when questioned he told me I was going crazy
Recently … yesterday
he slept through his alarm and got up half hour late and spent the whole morning screaming how it was my fault because I should have woken up on time and got him up…. It’s 24 hours later and he’s not apologised and he’s made it very clear he doesn’t think he’s wrong… I have given up trying to talk… Iv lost hope of any changes so the love bombing doesn’t work anymore… I hate being in his presence…. Emotionally I am starting to check out…
I wish he would just leave… he knows what he does to me… he knows he’s killing me…. He knows he’s given me ptsd… he has admitted to all that!
but he won’t go… he’s sucking the life out of me and I don’t recognise myself anymore.. I don’t like the person I am when I’m with him