I Just Want To Be Fixed
I wasn’t paying attention to myself. I never gave myself the time or love because I didn’t matter. Not when I was a kid growing up with abusive stepfathers and a mom who was never around because she had to work multiple jobs to make ends meet and now I’m not sure how to do that now as an adult because I’ve been like this for so long. I’ve held a ridiculous amount of extremely heavy secrets for so long and I don’t know if I’m fixable anymore. I was taught that we sweep this stuff under the rug. It’s ok to cry but make it quick because there’s work to get done and other people that need me or depend on me more than I need myself. Bills don’t pay themselves either so just go back to work and you’ll be over it soon. We’re supposed to be stronger than that and move on because the world stops for no one. It’s always just nothing to anyone and always get over it quickly and be grateful that it wasn’t worse but I feel like this stuff was BAD. From mental and physical and sexual abuse and major (self diagnosed) PTSD issues and addiction and depression and all kinds of trauma but someone’s always got it worse so don’t complain and I don’t want to COMPLAIN I just want to fix myself but I don’t even know where to start. There’s sooooo much that I never thought I was supposed to be affected by but in reality, it’s ruined my life and I never knew it until I got into this MVA Christmas Eve with my two kids and it could’ve been so much worse but I had literally 5 days to myself in complete silence in an upstairs apartment while my broken ankle healed without my babies or noise or human contact and it messed with my mind so bad. Can someone even be fixed at this point???
@TallBunny830
Yes you can be changed i am not sure what you mean by "fixed"
many have grown up in various different ways but told we must carry on , bills to be paid, things could be worse etc.......
overcoming your past is up to you ......... share your secrets, unburden yourself, take time for you....cry / scream/ dance /run whatever you need to do then restart notice when you fall into past patterns and stop do it differently ...... we cannot change the past ....... we cannot change some minds sometimes but we can move forward and quit punishing yourself for the past.
I know that I can’t change the past and that’s why I never thought about it affecting me the way it does now. I have never told anyone my story. Some close people know bits and pieces of me but no one knows what’s happened to me in the past. I don’t feel sorry for myself and I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. That’s the last thing I want. I’ve just been through some life changing experiences lately and something was telling me why I feel the way feel. Because no one’s ever cared to ask because I always put on my big girl *** and pushed through it and then I stopped and I thought to myself “maybe the men of all the toxic relationships I was in WERE right! MAYBE THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME!” Back in my younger days, we didn’t have all these new diagnoses they’ve come up with and when I see kids going through stuff and they’re diagnosed with all of it, I start to think like “damn, if they’re screwed up because of something like THAT, then I’m beyond screwed up!” If anything I want to learn why i am the way I am and if I’m wrong for being that way and how to control my feelings or if I have a good reason to be the way I am lol idk what I’m saying. Im just rambling I guess. Hope it makes a little sense.
@TallBunny830
we all want to know why we are who we are........ i seriously doubt you are wrong for being who you are..... in bad relationship people always blame the other party but IMO it is all joint issues....do not listen to some ex that had a reason to say things to hurt your sense of self
i understand it is hard when you have always carried on and put on your big girl pants and pushed through. would a diagnosis help you ...... would labeling it make it different .... diagnosis seems to be a way to medicate.... not change who you are......
there comes a time or perhaps several times in our lives when we question things even small things......
share your story write it all down for your self try to tell it from a clear perspective ... maybe find a listener or therapist knowing will make it clearer but not always easier ........
i have found when i unpacked my stuff .............i have more questions then answers........more wonder why i did not see something or what i missed.
I could definitely see that happening. Also a lot more anger because of people that we’re supposed to be taking care of you but turned a blind eye. I start to see that too. I want to know that I’m not crazy. Sure a diagnoses would give me an pretty good excuse but at least I could warn someone about all my baggage and all the different personalities that come with all the love I have to give lol
@TallBunny830
we all have feeling like that .... anger over what happened or sometime did not happen..... i never buy into labels they are too conforming and i think a person who does reflection wants to see the big picture is healthier then those who ignore things and hope they go away.......
you are NOT crazy .... we all have some parts of us that maybe should come with a warning .........
i appreciate the feedback. I know worrying isn’t going to do anything but make things harder and maybe some stuff is just better left unsaid. I know I have some work to do on myself and that I need to forgive myself and those who hurt me in order to be able to have a better future for myself and my children. All I can do is learn from it and be a better parent for them. I’ve started writing about it all and it helps. I’m sure it’d be a pretty interesting read if it was a book….