I Am Sorry
Someone once told me that the brain is incapable of remembering pain. You can remember that you were in pain, but not what the pain exactly felt like. I think back to when I gave birth to my two children with no medication and I can agree, I can't remember that pain. I don't fear those moments. But I think about the pain I was in when I was little and I can feel it. I can almost touch it. It takes my breathe away, it makes my stomach turn, it makes me panic. I can feel all of it. I am afraid of that pain. My brain remembers. Doctors ask the stupid question of pain scale, 1-10. I have had many medical pains that are excruciating. I had my apendix rupture, that was a 9 because nothing will ever be able to reach a 10. I am not strong, I just don't have a 10 anymore. It has been used. My past is my 10, that little girl had to use up my 10.
I cry for her that little girl, but I hate her too. She didn't fight for herself. I learned from her to be little and to be quiet. We are both afraid, but it is her fault. It is my fault. I hate her. I hate me. She is in my dreams and I am her when I am awake. She is a little scared girl, but I am so afraid of her. She has so much control of how I am. I want to protect her, but I also need her to protect me. She is a survivor. I know that I will survive because of her. How did she do it? I hate her.
I am angry. I can feel everything welling up and I just know I am going to explode. How do I keep going day to day? How have I survived thus far? I don't want to anymore. I want to give in. What will happen if I do?
@Mystrife
That is a very interesting question I think... what would happen if you do explose? If you let go. Your responsabilities. Your roles (perhaps as a mother, or wife, or a worker... I don't know exactly). If you simply concentrate on yourself, Mystrife, as a person. And then slowly identify those pieces that makes sense to you and put them back, whilst probably creating a whole new picture.
@admaiorasemper
Interesting or scary? Maybe both. A new picture can be anything, better or worse. What if I make them become worse? What if I am unable to put the pieces back? What if I stay exploded forever? What if I make things better? Why do my decisions hinge on what if?
Also, my responsibilities are that of a mother, a worker, and a girlfriend. There are so many more, but those are the roles that seem to define me.
This is a joke. I served my country, I became disabled from that service. I etiher pay half of my paycheck for private insurance or deal with this system that keeps you in some perma loop of press 1 or 8. I can't even get a hold of a person to tell me where I need to go to do all of this in person. I just want to talk to a person! Just a human voice, even if that voice is telling my to go f myself... at least it will be someone real. I am afraid of my thoughts. I want help but no one will help me. I know this is bad because I want help. I never want help, I am always afraid of asking for help... this must be really bad.
I am having a really hard time right now. That is all.
@Mystrife
You are in my thoughts... I wish I could do something to ease your pain. Always here to listen to you, if you want me to
Is it that there is too much going on that I can't emotionally and mentally deal with everything, or I emotionally and mentally deal with things poorly that I feel there is too much going on? Either way, I am being crushed. I want someone to help me. I ask for help. Maybe I am not asking the right way. Maybe I'm not really saying the words. Maybe I am speaking another language. The language of a scared little girl who has no words. I hate her.
@Mystrife
How are you feeling today? I hope art helped you last night. Sending you a hug if that is ok, you are in my thoughts
@admaiorasemper
Thank you for asking. I am hurting. I am still having a really hard time and I am not sure what to do. It's like when you are in pain and you try to move to alleviate the agony, but it doesn't matter what position I move to or what I attempt... the pain won't lessen. It is a constant that I can't get away from anymore and I don't know how to handle it.
@Mystrife
Perhaps the answer is there, on the fact that you are unable to move out from this pain... You may need to sit with it, to experience it fully, to just let it be... And then you will come out of it.
Have you been able to talk to someone at the hospital finally? I remember you said you were also considering seeing a psychiatrist, but you didn't like the idea that much. What about therapy?
@admaiorasemper
I was finally able to get an appointment. It is with a general practicioner to get established into the health system here. At that appointment I should be able to tell that doc everything that is going on with me. I have a few physical ailments that need to be adressed and I plan on talking about how I have been feeling. I will most likely have to wait again to see another doctor. I am very scared. I have not mentioned half of what I am feeling to anyone outside of 7 cups and even here I hold back some. There are so many reasons, but the main one is my children. I am afraid that once it becomes know that I self-harm, or even feel some of the things that I feel and think then it will only be a matter of time before I end up labeled as an unfit person for my kids. I know I can't keep going like I am, without help. But I am afraid. I am afraid of getting help and afraid of not getting help. I sometimes think that I can just deal with things. That way I do not have to defend myself as a parent, but those thoughts become drowned out by the pain and agony of my life. I made the decision to talk to my doc, hopefully my fear won't get in the way of that decision when the time comes. 21 days to wait and see if I can follow through.
@Mystrife
I understand how scary it is thinking that they may label you as an unfit parent, and how you can be both afraid of getting help and not getting it. I think getting help, as you are actually already doing, does show that you are a good parent. Taking care of ourselves is necessary to keep being able to take care of other people too. I don't know how much of my experience resonates with yours, but I can tell you that both my GP and my psychiatrist know what is going on with me (self-harm and the rest), and they have never questioned my ability as a parent (I personally sometimes do).
If you ever want to share more, I am here for you. If you don't want to, I am still here :)
@admaiorasemper
When I was going through my divorce my ex was fighting me for custody. I was in therapy at the time because of him. Funny side thought. I started therapy because he told me that I needed to "fix" myself or he was going to leave me and take my daughter. I started therapy and learned I was in an abusive relationship. So in a way, I realized he was what he was because he made me go to therapy. Anyway, during the custody battle, I had to defend my therapy to the court because he kept saying that I was unfit because I needed a mental health professional. There were other reasons that played into the decision but I ended up with custody. I am afraid of having to go through anything like that again. I am also afraid that if my ex finds out about me going to see someone then I will end up in court again. I probably sound ridiculous.
@Mystrife
You do not sound ridiculous at all, I understand why you would be concerned. Going through such a harsh custody battle and having to defend your therapy was certainly very stressfull and I would probably be as scared as you of reliving the same thing. Do you think there is a concrete possibility that he may find out if you have therapy again? Would therapy here on the 7cups website or on Skype be a better and safer alternative, if your gp could sort the meds out?
@Mystrife
Thinking of you, I hope you are ok 
@admaiorasemper
Thank you. I am doing ok. Things could be better, but I am dealing with what comes as best I can. I can't fail so I do what I must. Thank you for thinking of me. It truly means a lot. How are you? I can' find your diary anymore. I love reading your words. If it is gone for reasons, I understand. *hugs*
I finally went to see a doctor. I was able to talk to my GP, as well as a psychiatrist. As we were walking back the psychiatrist asked if I would be ok with a student sitting in with us. Everything inside of me screamed "F YOU YES I MIND" I just shook my head and she joined us. I'm allowed to say no, but I don't feel like I have that right. I don't feel like I am allowed any choices. If I say I mind then it will be some dramatic play acting and I will be doing it for attention. Even my answers in this appointment are for attention. Why am I even here? No one will believe me or understand me. There were a lot of general questions, "do you smoke" "do you want to kill or hurt yourself" "on a scale..." "in the past 2 weeks..." I actually do answer how I feel for the most part. I hold back, but not too much. I need help, I know I do. I can't live like this anymore. I need to be better for my kids. That sounds so cliche but its all I have. She asked me what I felt I get the most out of life from, of course my kids. Everything else is empty. I have another appointment in a month to check on meds and a referral in for a full mental health evaluation. The purpose of this facility is short term care to get people better enough to be released back to their primary care docs and if you need longer term care they pawn you off on other facilities. I guess time will tell what group I fall into.
@Mystrife
I am so proud of you my dear friend For asking for help. For going to see a doctor. For answering without holding back too much.
I am sorry you had to do this with that student being present though. I really get how this would have felt so uncomfortable. When we are already feeling vulnerable and doing something that requires an enormous strength from our part, it may feel impossible to go an extra step and defend our boundaries and say no.
But you deserve attention. You deserve to be heard. Your pain, your feelings, your thoughts, your experiences, they all matter.
@Mystrife
I am thinking about you, hope you are ok.