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Mystrife
3,845 M Seeking Light 3
PathStep 73 Compassion hearts572 Forum posts45 Forum upvotes146 Current upvotes146 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2020 Member sinceJuly 29, 2019
Recent forum posts
I Am Sorry
Trauma Support / by Mystrife
Last post
 January 26th, 2020
...See more Someone once told me that the brain is incapable of remembering pain. You can remember that you were in pain, but not what the pain exactly felt like. I think back to when I gave birth to my two children with no medication and I can agree, I can't remember that pain. I don't fear those moments. But I think about the pain I was in when I was little and I can feel it. I can almost touch it. It takes my breathe away, it makes my stomach turn, it makes me panic. I can feel all of it. I am afraid of that pain. My brain remembers. Doctors ask the stupid question of pain scale, 1-10. I have had many medical pains that are excruciating. I had my apendix rupture, that was a 9 because nothing will ever be able to reach a 10. I am not strong, I just don't have a 10 anymore. It has been used. My past is my 10, that little girl had to use up my 10. I cry for her that little girl, but I hate her too. She didn't fight for herself. I learned from her to be little and to be quiet. We are both afraid, but it is her fault. It is my fault. I hate her. I hate me. She is in my dreams and I am her when I am awake. She is a little scared girl, but I am so afraid of her. She has so much control of how I am. I want to protect her, but I also need her to protect me. She is a survivor. I know that I will survive because of her. How did she do it? I hate her.
Hello (my life is a trigger warning)
Self-Harm Recovery / by Mystrife
Last post
 September 5th, 2019
...See more I have been through a lot in my life and from the very beginning my emotions were always a bad thing. I am middle aged and do everything in my power to not cry because I fear what happened to me when I cried as a child. I have never been able to deal with things properly and I believe that is a big underlying root cause of my self-harm. 'It' is something that I have lived with since I was quite young in a lot of different forms but recently I have gotten my life on a track leading in the right direction and I know that I need to learn different ways to cope with my life stressors if I am to be successful in any of my relationships to include those of my children. Also recently, my self-harm has taken on a more aggressive form that scares me. I was careless and someone close to me found out what I was doing. She had a really bad reaction and I am afraid to self-harm because of it. I want to find another release, something that gives me the same feeling as self-harm but the thought of not being able or allowing myself to hurt myself gives me anxiety and I have panic attacks more often. Currently I have refrained for 12 days, but I can feel the storm building. It is right beneath the surface like a thunderstorm right before the first release of crash lightening. I crave it, but I know I will regret my actions afterward and I will panic at the thought of being caught. My thoughts and actions scare me and it is a horrible thing to not be able to trust yourself. I am hoping by coming here I can gain courage to get even more help in the near future. I am scared of therapy and more people knowing my story. But I think it might be the only way to learn better ways to cope and deal with life. I need to teach my children healthy ways to live their lives through example. That is my goal at least. I can type that with confidence but when I think about the steps to get there I want to break down I break my streak and throw caution of being caught to the wind. Thank you for listening. -Myst
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