I Am Not Weak
I am not weak. I am strong. I can rise above. I can solve and do everything.
I am powerless. I am defenseless. I can't do anything. I am nothing.
What is the reality. What is my reality?
Was this always there . Why does it keep fluctuating . What's my purpose here
W.W
Do I need a lot more help? Do I need to be fixed? Am I broken?
I am fine, I don't have problems. do I 
@humorousBeing8966 - I believe it can be.
@Anomalia
How can you be sure? Will believing in something make it become truth even if there's contrary evidence?
@humorousBeing8966 - Believing alone doesn't make something true, but I think that there is evidence that it is possible, too. I know there have been times in my path where I have felt like things were hopeless and nothing could ever be alright, but I've seen those possibilities open. For me and for others. To me, there is never a point at which it's too late for things to get better, no matter who you are.
@Anomalia
I can't seem to figure out why I keep alternating between the two extremes within such short periods of time. Today I believe in everything and everyone and anything. I feel invincible and the day is young.
@humorousBeing8966 - What do you think could help you hang onto some of that confidence? Would writing yourself a note that you can read on days when you don't feel that way maybe help remind you that things do get better and can feel okay?
@Anomalia
I suppose knowing that what I say or do has a positive reaction from others gives me or sustains some sort of confidence..
I feel like what I say doesn't have much of an impact especially on myself because it seems to just be pretense.
I suppose making schedules when I feel good, and to do lists, as well as doing groceries, cooking, laundry, cleaning and all my other chores and working will make things easier when bad days come...
But can it get better? What is better? It's so confusing because when I am not dragged down it is because I forget all about the past and I can hope for amazing things ... maybe not realistic things... and I suppose if I'm not suppose to believe the really bad thoughts or the words of the few bad people...then what is the truth... how can I be present unless I'm completely numb, neglecting the past and not worrying about the future? How can I be the person I want to be...and still accept that characters from the past exist in this world?
@humorousBeing8966
One thing you mentioned was knowing that what you say or do has a positive reaction from others - I actually keep a file on my computer of nice things people have said or things that I feel good about, etc. that I can reflect on when I'm having a rough day - I wonder if something similar would be helpful for you - a reminder of the way that you have helped others or how others see you when you're having a hard time seeing yourself that way.
I also really like the idea of using those good days to do some planning - making those lists, accomplishing some of the chores, setting schedules, etc. to take a little bit off the plate of those bad days and make them a little easier. Even one fewer thing to worry about can sometimes make a world of difference.
You asked what is better - I want to turn that question back to you. If you picture a year from now in the best possible situation, what does it look like? What is different? What is the same? Knowing what feels like the ideal for you might help figure out where to set your sights, what is realistic, and how to take steps towards it.
You also asked how you can be the person that you want to be while accepting that the characters from the past exist in this world - in what ways does who you are have to be impacted by them existing? We can't control others or change the past, but we can control our own decisions moving forward and change the course of our future. What is in your control and where do you want to take it?
@Anomalia
I guess I had been writing down only the bad memories because those were the things that I was sure of... today I wrote down also all the organizations that I had volunteered with, and I suppose I should also think of them as stepping stones to me getting to the point I am now...that all those efforts helped with healing and helped build up my confidence, sense of pride for the community and of myself for making an impact. These were the evidence of the person I am rather than focusing on the "evidence" of me screwing up...
Sometimes I feel what is the point of me striving to be a good person, to give up my time and efforts to good causes if the people that I end up helping are actually people like them? Because I want to accomplish great things, and I want to create and leave lasting marks...but how can I do that if people actually think like them? I guess I also haven't met or came across people who were intimate with me in the capacities they had...
Supposedly my voice and how I perceive the world and its people are in my control? I guess I can accomplish more thinking more optimistically. I don't know I just think maybe I've been too optimistic and positive both of others and of my abilities and what happened were wake up calls. The reality is what had happened.
But I guess if I'm journaling I should only write down empowering perceptives.
Dreaming of what things could be kind of counters the extremely hurtful memories and thoughts though... I suppose a year from now...I can at least try to rekindle all the distance that had built up so I can have a support system. If I'm being realistic...I don't know, but I hope it'll be drastically different than from now because it's gotten too familiar and the comfort that is gradually building up is foreboding. Maybe the only thing that really needs to change is what's going on inside...
@humorousBeing8966
I don't think that journaling has to be only the positive or the empowering, because sometimes writing down what's in your head even if it's negative is an important way to process those thoughts and let go of them a little, but I do think that it's often helpful to make sure to focus some time and mental energy on the positive side as well. I love that you wrote down the organizations you've volunteered with and that you can see how those experiences have helped with healing and with confidence building and sense of pride in yourself. I agree that the efforts you have put in there are evidence of who you are and the good you are putting into the world.
You said at times it's hard to see the point in striving to be a good person if the people you end up helping are people like them - but are all the people? Or do you think that in your volunteering you have also left lasting marks and helped people who really needed help and who are worthy of that help?
You mentioned maybe trying to rekindle the distance that has built up so you can have a support system - what do you think that would take? What would the very first step towards closing some of that distance be?
@Anomalia
I guess they weren't all the people and probably not at the places I volunteered at...but at some point I figured out that I couldn't help them much when I'm in a terrible state and they need someone more worthy. Someone who can focus all their mental energy in making a difference...I'm not sure if I made much of a difference...I bonded with one and didn't tell him I wasn't coming back...so I'm not a good person...
Perhaps to rekindle the distance I need to identify shared goals...something to reconnect with...and perhaps also be aware and able to ask for my needs and not get lost entirely in whatever they want. Maybe be more firm and able in setting boundaries whilst not brining them down...I don't know I need to know exactly what they're thinking and how they think so maybe then I can start trusting them.
@humorousBeing8966
It's hard to give a lot when you're hurting already and it's okay if right now isn't a time you have a lot to give in the places you've volunteered. But that doesn't take away from the good that you did there. And I don't think that not telling someone you're not coming back makes you not a good person - good and bad aren't as straightforward as one action and to me they have a lot more to do with intent. Not feeling able to go back or explain is different from deciding not to because you don't feel like it or want to hurt someone. This does not make you a bad person.
I like the idea of taking a first step on rekindling that distance by identifying some shared goals to reconnect with and thinking about what your needs and boundaries are and how to set them firmly. I'm not sure if it's possible to ever know exactly what someone else is thinking, but I do think that having open conversations can help to start to understand it more and to build trust even if 100% knowledge isn't possible. And it takes time - trust doesn't appear overnight, but opening up to try to rekindle is a big step towards it.
I don't get it. Why has things gotten worse. How do I make people understand. How do I care anything again.
To those who will probably never read this
I'm sorry my wounds are invisible. I'm sorry I can't tell or show exactly what's on the inside so you used your degrading assumptions to define what is happening. I'm sorry I'm using up your resources and you expected instead someone to directly reflect what you want for yourself. I'm sorry you believe wrongfully of what happened and why things are the way it is. I know you do it to protect yourself and you're not under any obligation to protect anyone else. I get it. I'm glad you had the resources growing up and now to help you. I wish I did too. I'm sorry you all think I'm not trying but that is because I don't tell you the steps I've been taking. You wouldn't understand anyways because you haven't been exposed to the things that I've been exposed to. The extreme degradation even when seeing that I am a human being and that I believe in the autonomy over my body. You also haven't seen the compassion and support that people who know nothing about me have shown because they understand. Maybe you're afraid that if you associate with someone who is really at their bottom then you'll get dragged down too and no one not even yourself can pull you out of the abyss. You may not know everything but the fact that I'm still alive defeats all the negative perceptions you have of me.
@humorousBeing8966 - This is really powerful, and I am so sorry that you've been treated this way. It's not fair for people to make those assumptions just because they can't see what's going on beneath the surface, and your wounds, visible or not, are real and deserve support and healing. And I'm really proud of you for continuing to try - I see how hard you're working and how open and vulnerable you're being here and that's something really incredible. You last sentence hit me strongly, and I really love it - "You may not know everything but the fact that I'm still alive defeats all the negative perceptions you have of me. "
@Anomalia
Thank you for your kind words :) I appreciate you taking the time to read and write thoughtful replies to my post. They have always kept me thinking and moving towards a path of empowerment.
Disoriented
Disbelieved
Distrusted
Discredited
Who am I
if my word holds no power
if my memory holds no grasp on others
Taking the Train Home
Today I take a breath of fresh air
Breaking through the surface tension
That borders the murky waters I was once suffocated by
Today I walk with confidence
I speak with pride
I connect without fear
Why is it that
Only days before
I succumbed to
And allowed the hand that should be healing
To reach for the rusty past
To mark fresh scars the distant future would not approve
What does it mean
When the scales tip with so much ease
Towards one edge then the next without warning
#####
Brown, grey, dirty tiles
Arranged in a disarray along the station wall
It
Nightmares
I don
Time to Restructure that Thought Pattern....
I am invincible. Nothing can stop me so I don
@humorousBeing8966 - I absolutely love this! And I especially like that you challenged thoughts that can come up on different sides - both the idea that nothing can go wrong/you're invincible and the idea that everything will go wrong and better to stay home. I think it's easy for our minds to go to extremes, but the alternative views you wrote feel very reasonable and well thought out!
Birds flying high, you know how I feel
Sun in the sky, you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by, you know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life for me, yeah
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life for me, ooh
And I'm feeling good
Fish in the sea, you know how I feel
River running free, you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree, you know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life for me
And I'm feeling good
Dragonfly out in the sun, you know what I mean, don't you know?
Butterflies all havin' fun, you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done, that's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world, for me
Stars when you shine, you know how I feel
Scent of the pine, you know how I feel
Oh, freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life for me
I'm feeling good
@humorousBeing8966 - I love this song - if you haven't heard the Michael Buble version, I highly recommend it!
@Anomalia Thanks :) I'll listen to it :)
Do I even exist?
@humorousBeing8966 - Yes - you exist and you matter. I see you here and I care. You're real and so are your feelings and hopes and dreams and needs.
@Anomalia
Those are all gone now. I don't want to live through another anniversary
I smell him...
I'm seeing it happening...