I Am Not Weak
I am not weak. I am strong. I can rise above. I can solve and do everything.
I am powerless. I am defenseless. I can't do anything. I am nothing.
What is the reality. What is my reality?
Was this always there . Why does it keep fluctuating . What's my purpose here
W.W
Do I need a lot more help? Do I need to be fixed? Am I broken?
I am fine, I don't have problems. do I 
@humorousBeing8966 - I believe it can be.
@Anomalia
How can you be sure? Will believing in something make it become truth even if there's contrary evidence?
@humorousBeing8966 - Believing alone doesn't make something true, but I think that there is evidence that it is possible, too. I know there have been times in my path where I have felt like things were hopeless and nothing could ever be alright, but I've seen those possibilities open. For me and for others. To me, there is never a point at which it's too late for things to get better, no matter who you are.
@Anomalia
I can't seem to figure out why I keep alternating between the two extremes within such short periods of time. Today I believe in everything and everyone and anything. I feel invincible and the day is young.
@humorousBeing8966 - What do you think could help you hang onto some of that confidence? Would writing yourself a note that you can read on days when you don't feel that way maybe help remind you that things do get better and can feel okay?
@Anomalia
I suppose knowing that what I say or do has a positive reaction from others gives me or sustains some sort of confidence..
I feel like what I say doesn't have much of an impact especially on myself because it seems to just be pretense.
I suppose making schedules when I feel good, and to do lists, as well as doing groceries, cooking, laundry, cleaning and all my other chores and working will make things easier when bad days come...
But can it get better? What is better? It's so confusing because when I am not dragged down it is because I forget all about the past and I can hope for amazing things ... maybe not realistic things... and I suppose if I'm not suppose to believe the really bad thoughts or the words of the few bad people...then what is the truth... how can I be present unless I'm completely numb, neglecting the past and not worrying about the future? How can I be the person I want to be...and still accept that characters from the past exist in this world?
I don't get it. Why has things gotten worse. How do I make people understand. How do I care anything again.
To those who will probably never read this
I'm sorry my wounds are invisible. I'm sorry I can't tell or show exactly what's on the inside so you used your degrading assumptions to define what is happening. I'm sorry I'm using up your resources and you expected instead someone to directly reflect what you want for yourself. I'm sorry you believe wrongfully of what happened and why things are the way it is. I know you do it to protect yourself and you're not under any obligation to protect anyone else. I get it. I'm glad you had the resources growing up and now to help you. I wish I did too. I'm sorry you all think I'm not trying but that is because I don't tell you the steps I've been taking. You wouldn't understand anyways because you haven't been exposed to the things that I've been exposed to. The extreme degradation even when seeing that I am a human being and that I believe in the autonomy over my body. You also haven't seen the compassion and support that people who know nothing about me have shown because they understand. Maybe you're afraid that if you associate with someone who is really at their bottom then you'll get dragged down too and no one not even yourself can pull you out of the abyss. You may not know everything but the fact that I'm still alive defeats all the negative perceptions you have of me.
@humorousBeing8966 - This is really powerful, and I am so sorry that you've been treated this way. It's not fair for people to make those assumptions just because they can't see what's going on beneath the surface, and your wounds, visible or not, are real and deserve support and healing. And I'm really proud of you for continuing to try - I see how hard you're working and how open and vulnerable you're being here and that's something really incredible. You last sentence hit me strongly, and I really love it - "You may not know everything but the fact that I'm still alive defeats all the negative perceptions you have of me. "
@Anomalia
Thank you for your kind words :) I appreciate you taking the time to read and write thoughtful replies to my post. They have always kept me thinking and moving towards a path of empowerment.
Disoriented
Disbelieved
Distrusted
Discredited
Who am I
if my word holds no power
if my memory holds no grasp on others
Taking the Train Home
Today I take a breath of fresh air
Breaking through the surface tension
That borders the murky waters I was once suffocated by
Today I walk with confidence
I speak with pride
I connect without fear
Why is it that
Only days before
I succumbed to
And allowed the hand that should be healing
To reach for the rusty past
To mark fresh scars the distant future would not approve
What does it mean
When the scales tip with so much ease
Towards one edge then the next without warning
#####
Brown, grey, dirty tiles
Arranged in a disarray along the station wall
It
Nightmares
I don
Time to Restructure that Thought Pattern....
I am invincible. Nothing can stop me so I don
@humorousBeing8966 - I absolutely love this! And I especially like that you challenged thoughts that can come up on different sides - both the idea that nothing can go wrong/you're invincible and the idea that everything will go wrong and better to stay home. I think it's easy for our minds to go to extremes, but the alternative views you wrote feel very reasonable and well thought out!
Birds flying high, you know how I feel
Sun in the sky, you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by, you know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life for me, yeah
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life for me, ooh
And I'm feeling good
Fish in the sea, you know how I feel
River running free, you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree, you know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life for me
And I'm feeling good
Dragonfly out in the sun, you know what I mean, don't you know?
Butterflies all havin' fun, you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done, that's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world, for me
Stars when you shine, you know how I feel
Scent of the pine, you know how I feel
Oh, freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life for me
I'm feeling good
@humorousBeing8966 - I love this song - if you haven't heard the Michael Buble version, I highly recommend it!
@Anomalia Thanks :) I'll listen to it :)
Do I even exist?
@humorousBeing8966 - Yes - you exist and you matter. I see you here and I care. You're real and so are your feelings and hopes and dreams and needs.
@Anomalia
Those are all gone now. I don't want to live through another anniversary
@humorousBeing8966 - Even if hopes and dreams feel distant right now, I think you can find new ones in the future. Through all of this, even the hardest moments, you are still here and you still matter.
@Anomalia I don't know how I can matter if I can't even try anymore
@humorousBeing8966 - You matter to me, even when it's hard to keep trying.
@Anomalia I don't know why I would matter to you but I really appreciate you continuing to be here.
I smell him...
I'm seeing it happening...
