I Am Not Weak
I am not weak. I am strong. I can rise above. I can solve and do everything.
I am powerless. I am defenseless. I can't do anything. I am nothing.
What is the reality. What is my reality?
Was this always there . Why does it keep fluctuating . What's my purpose here
W.W
Do I need a lot more help? Do I need to be fixed? Am I broken?
I am fine, I don't have problems. do I 
Oh voices voices in my mind
Why are you so unkind?
For just one day let me be fine
So they can see me shine.
@humorousBeing8966
What a beautiful poem, and one that says so much. That inner voice can be such a bitch cant it? I wonder why we do it to ourselves. Would you ever treat others with the contempt you reserve for yourself? And why do we ask such a lot of ourselves, yet accept other people as they are?
Something that hit home for me was the thought that Im the one person I get to spend every day with. Every moment is spent with me. Wouldnt life be easier if I tried to like that person, saw the good in her, and valued being her?
You can challenge those voices. You dont have to blindly accept what they say to you. Someone once suggested to me I imagine that mean voice as an ugly little monster on my shoulder. And when it says something horrible, I can biff it on the nose. Its certainly taken a beating, but its not half as loud or persistent as it used to be!
I like the words below. They bring home to me how important I am in my life, and Ive got this. Can you take charge, start being a friend to yourself, and shine ever brighter? Youve got this too.
@DeborahUK
Maybe I had been mean to others...maybe that's why I need to be punished. I don't think I would say these commands to anyone else though. I hope I don't get to that point that they're so constant I end up blurting them to someone else.
The commands are kind of new so I've only told them to shut up but I don't know maybe they're good for me and urging me to do something better for my life or signaling when I'm falling into bad habits.
Maybe nothing I say about myself is true..it's either too harsh or too splendid that it's too far from reality. Maybe that's why I accept others' definition of who I am...and I don't realize until it's too late...
I don't know how to challenge the harsh words in a way other than silencing them as much as I need until they're gone. Saying nice things about myself seems fake and like I'm lying to myself.
I want to start imagining it as a separate entity, but right now it seems like there's adult that is telling the kid to quit it. Maybe it's the responsible me that wants to fit into society and the kid me who doesn't want to be used again... but right now I feel like I am just a bystander hosting this whole drama -- or maybe I'm just desperately finding some way to distant myself from it all but I'm probably one of the main actors.
@humorousBeing8966
First time in my life I'm starting to hear the words "I" in my thoughts. Was it there before or is it new?
I think it is empowering.
Before all that there was were images or conversations.
It was never things like "I can do this". It was more like I have to imagine an external force or myself as another person / someone older and wiser to tell me that I can do it when times got really tough.
..Though at first I had to hear very negative phrases referring to myself using "I".
I guess I can believe that I have power over my life.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. I'll do better.
I can't stop seconding guessing everything. I can't trust myself.
I'm sorry for intruding; for second guessing when it was good.
....
I settled for things I didn't think I deserved, but they said I was overreacting.
I couldn't believe what they were doing and saying, but after multiple times, I began to take their words as the reality.
I must be overreacting. I've seen people I know overreacting and I didn't want to be that person.
To settle and tolerate just a little disrespect. To be held guilty for being treated like everyone else-- that they were doing such a huge favor by finally taking up their end of the slack.
My discomfort was an overreaction to them. Both physical and mental. My words were nonsensical, because I didn't speak up for so long.
It thus became a trend. It was normalized. My light gradually dimmed, because what's the point of shining such a light if it were deemed too bright and piercing and hurt others' eyes just with it's flicker.
But at least there was still always some light from within.
It kept getting darker though and wouldn't turn back on. So when the crime was committed, I didn't realize I was in complete darkness.
The only other personthere said it was good. that it was great. It was the only beacon of light in my complete darkness.
So I followed it.
..
I was lucky that I got out of everything. That I can still count the really bad times because they weren't so numerous.
But speaking about it has sprung up a lot of the pre-crime warming up that I didn't think much of before.
Now it seems like I'm finally seeing clearly for the first time.
And all I see is just a dark smear over the faint colors that were supposedly the highlights of my life.
Now I need one of those power washers, if what was smeared on my canvas was indeed just grim and dirt.
Or is it something more foul? An intangible blemish.
----
The images. The picutres. The films. The shows. Showers. Nudity.
None of that bothered me before.
Now it brings me right back there.
The only relief is to create other traumatic wounds.
But this time it's from my own hands.
Not sure if I have enough skin to drown out the images every time they come.
...
Real life has become a prison.
Escaping through food, comforting shows, sleep
The pills, the images of ending things with my own hands
Those are comforts now.
At least when the self injury images come the bad memories go away right?
It's going to be okay ...
There will be peace soon...
I'll be fine soon...
@humorousBeing8966 - I really appreciate how honest and vulnerable your poems are, and I hope that writing them and sharing them is helping you also to process those feelings and find yourself a little more each day.
What you wrote about settling because you didn't want to be overreacting is something I have seen from so many people and I understand how easy it can be to let others convince you that something is okay even when you feel that it isn't. It's hard to break out of that pattern or to trust your own instincts when others tell you it's the opposite. And I think just like it takes time to rebuild trust when someone hurts you, it can also take time to rebuild trust in yourself when someone has convinced you not to believe your own feelings. But I think that recognizing how what they said made you shut down what you thought is a big step towards rebuilding that trust in yourself.
I love the image you wrote in having a dark smear over the faint colors and needing a power washer to clean off that smear and let the colors of your life shine through again. What do you think might help power that cleaning? Are there corners where you start to see those colors shining through?
What you wrote about self harm was so heartbreaking and yet beautifully expressed. I think you gave words to a feeling that many can relate to. You said the only relief is to create new wounds, but I wonder if I might restate that - the only relief you've found so far. Do you think it's possible there might be relief in other forms? Ways to process those memories in a way that doesn't hurt you again?
@Anomalia
Hi Anomalia, thank you for taking the time to read what I wrote. I really appreciate the feedback :) It wasn't very eloquent or poetic and had some errors but maybe one day I can become more expressive and write better.
Maybe my therapist will help power the cleaning, although it seems like right now we're still trying to figure out what the bulk of the smear is. Seems like it's becoming darker and bigger as we try to figure it out. I don't see anything shining through. They appear to be fake now, maybe translucent like a prism.
Regarding the self harm I think I've only recently discover the main root of it and what purposes it served. I've tried a few things to replace it but unfortunately they were just self harm in another form. Perhaps though, singing has helped. I never was a singer but I find that when my mind goes back to being all clouded with darkness, singing hopeful lyrics parts the clouds a little or brings the sun out so it isn't as dark and gloomy anymore. Perhaps it's also hearing my voice, knowing it's still there. Maybe knowing that there is life and there is still hope. It's a good little escape or way to come to the present. Focusing on my pitch, and trying to feel emotions or identify the emotions behind this voice. It's also kind of like speaking for the first time, and perhaps finally in a way that others understand.
I don't know if I can process the memories. I don't how to without running away from the thoughts in my mind. Whenever I try to actively access it on my own my mind goes blank and it takes a while to come back.
@humorousBeing8966 - I disagree - I think it was VERY eloquent and poetic!
I hear what you're saying about the smear getting darker and bigger as you try to figure it out. I wonder if another cleaning metaphor might be about how cleaning out a closet often goes - when you start, it's a little cluttered and messy, but to really clean it, sometimes you have to make things a lot messier first so that you can really see everything you're dealing with and start to sort through. Once it's all out, things look a lot worse, but you're able to start working through - dividing things into piles to keep or get rid of, finding things you thought you might have lost, figuring out what things need to be replaced or what you might still need. And slowly, putting the things you're keeping back, but in a clearer and more organized way and getting rid of the others. The end result is clean and organized, but in the middle it can sometimes look like all you've done is made it worse and it takes continuing to work through it, bit by bit, to get it to that place that you were aiming for.
I think singing is an excellent alternative - I have definitely found that music can be a powerful way to express what you're feeling or to try to refocus on something more hopeful when you need it. And I like what you said about hearing your own voice and knowing it's still there.
For other alternatives, I like this list - it has a huge number, divided up by the emotion you're feeling. And in general, I think most people will find most of them silly or unhelpful, but there's enough options that hopefully a few might just feel like they're worth trying out.
@Anomalia
I'm sorry I failed I just am not able to when the panic comes and doesn't go away the only thing that works is pain
I can't do this
I'm not fine
life isn't the same anymore I can't even handle basic stuff
I don't understand
I screwed up big time.
This is the beginning of the end
@humorousBeing8966
Trying something different when you're feeling panicked is hard, and not being able to isn't failing, nor is it a sign that you'll never be able to. Each day, each moment is a new chance. And as for handling basic stuff, what's basic for one person isn't for another and that's okay. These things are hard for you right now. That doesn't mean you're failing or anything else except that they are hard and you need extra time and care and support to work on them.
Let's try taking it in smaller steps. Right now, not committing to anything, just thinking about it. If you were able to try something when the panic comes, were there any that felt like they might be worth trying? Anything that you think might help a little?
@Anomalia
I had another panic episode after failing to go out again...
I didn't end up hurting myself in a way that leaves permanent marks but I ended up wasting the morning and also still haven't done what I was suppose to.
Then when I thought I did well and came out I messed up so bad. I keep messing up big time and being such a huge inconvenience to others.
I didn't use to have so much trouble so I don't get why everything is so much harder now, and if it'll always be this way.
I'm going to try to go back to the gym and I'm not going to say I need to or have to because if I do I'm just going to screw up since I put too much pressure to have to do it. Maybe if I suggest things to myself I wouldn't need to punish myself. If that is indeed why I have these bad thoughts. But I also feel like I need to stop lowering my standards for myself.
I guess what worked before in grounding was washing dishes under hot water and eventually the panic and thoughts went away.
Also doing a handstand. Not sure if punching the wall counts.
I went to bed this time because there's only soft things on there other than the parts of the body that are bony... but bruises will heal.... or my Bear will help.
Thanks for being here Anomalia
@humorousBeing8966
You said that you failed to go out, but what I saw in what you said was also a great success. You had a panic episode, but you didn't end up hurting yourself in a way that leaves permanent marks. That's a big step and I'm proud of you for it. Maybe you didn't get done what you thought you needed to, but you also didn't hurt yourself in a permanent way and that's a step forward in itself.
You said that you didn't used to have so much trouble so you're nor sure why it's harder now - I don't have answers, but I do know that just because something is easy sometimes doesn't mean it's easy always and struggling with something is not a sign of weakness or of failure, just a sign of struggle and that deserves support.
I love what you said about trying to go back to the gym, but not saying you need to or have to - I think taking some of that pressure away is another really good step. You can have a goal without it being an ultimatum to yourself. Something to work towards and to celebrate successes on, but not to punish on if it doesn't work. Let's think about a child as an example. If a child was trying to learn their ABCs, then if they got a little further than before we would cheer and celebrate with them. And if they forgot a letter we wouldn't punish them, we would gently remind them of that letter and help them keep moving forward next time. Because progress can take time and sometimes (usually!) doesn't come in a straight line, but that doesn't make it wrong. It just means needing more time and some gentle care. From yourself as well as others.
You said that before washing dishes in hot water helped - that sounds to me like a better option than harming youself (and one that results in clean dishes!) and I'll admit, I've never heard of handstands for it before, but if it works it works! Do you think next time you're feeling that way you could try one of those things first and see if it helps?
I hope you're getting a good night's sleep and that your Bear is keeping you company.
Wishing you pleasent dreams and restful sleep
Underneath this levelheaded exterior
Is the desire to release all anguish.
When the screams will only be deemed inferior
Silence is thus the key to not be banished.
Camouflaged behind the mask of a savior
Are merely distorted truths served to punish.
Compliance censored the internal warrior
But never more shall I be one to vanish.
No longer shackled by their misbehavior
Unhealthy habits please learn to relinquish.
Had a dream a day ago.
Went along the lines of this:
Yay for hedgehog themed posts
Any kind of touch freezes me up but in the dream I was being cuddled, hugged, and stroked everywhere on my skin like I was a teddy bear and it felt nice.
What if I need to be a bully to myself in order to do things?
What's wrong with me why can't I get started on what I'm suppose to do?
Hey there @humorousBeing8966 *hugs* - only if you are feeling okay with virtual hugs here, of course!
You know your previous post has reminded me of >this< - of course I am pretty sure cacti and hedgehogs are different but still, I am a firm believe of hugs and I do hope you will be able to make it through some days that you have felt in your dreams, that nice-ness :)
Starting things can be really hard you know. I mean, especially if you are trying to face hard things and it it okay if you are taking your time with it, do not be too hard on yourself. :)
On the other hand, I guess we all need something motivating us from the inside to get things done and while bullying yourself may not be the best way to do so but I think a lot of us has times when we need to really talk ourselves up to get some things done. I mean, of course, it is not the same, I know.
I am wondering, are there may be some goals, really tiny ones, nothing big, but something you could maybe look forward too and also give you a feeling of achievment once you get it? :)
I mean, I am already very proud of you for being here and reaching out to us for help, as it is a big step but I know it can be hard to see like that sometimes. :)
@redmark
I was hoping I could be over it all by now but it seems like it's only gotten worse now that I've started to get help. I want to see certain things as achievements but I just can't. I want to reward myself or take care of myself, and I want to be happy or at least want something out of this life. Unfortunately I just can't. If I seek help I'll just end up somewhere that I don't want to be. It's not even sleep deprivation this time.
@humorousBeing8966 I am sorry to hear that, it sounds like really though to go through all that.
What kind of things would you like to see as achievments? - I mean, is there something you would like to achieve in particular or something you have achieved lately? I know it can be really hard to be proud of yourslef and see achievements you have made but I want you to know I am proud of you anyways. You are just so strong and very brave to reach out for help here and share all this with us! 
Glorious child look no further towards that yonder
Halt the constant fretting of disastrous quakes
Cower not beneath the shield of cotton wonder
Time's up, release that grip on cement headaches
Just when you think
Hope is lost
And giving up
Is all you got,
Blue turns black,
Your confidence is cracked,
There seems no turning back from here
Sometimes there isn't an obvious explanation
Why the holiest hearts can feel the strongest palpitations
That's when you can build a bridge of light,
That's what turns the wrongs all right
That's when you can't give up the fight
That's when love turns nighttime into day,
That's when loneliness goes away,
That's why you gotta be strong tonight,
Only love can build us a bridge of light
When your feet are made of stone
You're convinced that you're all alone
Look at the stars instead of the dark
You'll find your heart shines like the sun
Let's not let our anger get us lost
And the need to be right comes at way too high a cost
That's when love can build a bridge of light
That's what turns the wrongs all right
That's when you know it's worth the fight
That's when love turns nighttime into day
That's when loneliness goes away,
That's why you gotta be strong tonight
'Cause only love can build us a bridge of light
Deep breath, take it on the chin
But don't forget to let love back in
That's when love can build a bridge of light
That's what turns the wrongs all right
That's when you can't give up the fight
That's when love turns nighttime into day,
That's when loneliness goes away
That's why you gotta be strong tonight
'Cause only love can build us a bridge of light
Only love can build us a bridge of light
Of light, of light
@humorousBeing8966 - This is such a beautiful and hopeful message. Are you feeling some of that hope shining through right now for the possibility of letting that love in?
@Anomalia
I'm not sure what kinds of love I need to let in? Like feeling people actually care and won't punish me for messing up? And trusting people? Does that count as love?
I guess I made some progress on that recently because I thought I should just do it and take the risk and if it doesn't end well then at least it's not a surprise. Being able to just do it this time might be due to something that happened in my sessions with my counselor.
@humorousBeing8966 - I think feeling people care and trusting counts as a kind of love. And I know that those things don't come easily. But I hope that with time they get a little easier and feel a little more possible.
And I love hearing that you have made some progress and let yourself take that little risk!
They're just thoughts.
They're just thoughts ..
They're just thoughts...
Let them pass
Let them pass....please
I'm sorry
@humorousBeing8966 Oww, why are you sorry? You have done nothing wrong and I am always glad to hear from you around here!
You know I understand it is very hard for you to go through all this and I do actually admire the stength and bravery that you have to be here with us and share all this, if anything I am happy to have you here with us and that you do trust us this much still! *offering safe hugs*
Also, I think I have never asked, but if you are not comfortable with me posting here and replying to you, feel free to tell me and I will stop doing so as I really do not want to invade your personal space here. :)
@redmark
Sorry for my negative talk. That's all I ever know and will ever know as the truth. Why bother when I'll always be a nuisance.
Soon you'll get sick of me too.
Nothing but the negative will be the truth for me. I can't ever stop second guessing the positive or even the calm.
@humorousBeing8966 Hey, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry about, I am glad you are sharing your thoughts and honest feelings with me!
I can imagine it has to be really hard for you with all that you have been through and I want you to have this place where you can share about it if and when you want and I want to be here for you and I promise to you that I will try my best to be here for you - of course I know that it is not words that will change your mind but I do hope that with time you will feel more comfortable here tho! :)
I believe in taht things can change for the better. Although, I am really a naive and probably stupidly optimistic person but I believe in it anyways and I do believe in you and I want you to know that you are not alone in this and together we can get through this!
@redmark
I really messed up this month though and I'm paying for it big time
@humorousBeing8966 I am sorry to hear that you have had such a tough month. *offering safe hugs*
You know you do not deserve to "pay for it" tho - or I believe that you do not deserve it anyways - and I want you to know that you are not alone here and if there is anything we may be able to help you with or you would just like to share anything about it we are always here for you!
There is no pressure of course. :)
Also...to the cute, little hedgehog below, I would say: "Yes!" :)
I am rather bad saying no to cute things tho, but also as I have menioned I do believe in that you can get through this and things can turn for the better for you! ^-^
@redmark
Well they're sending me several invoices...maybe to my family too because I hadn't thought things through when I reached out for help and it kind of escalated to being placed somewhere I didn't want to be because I was at risk...
I guess the whole fiasco kind of was reminding me of what happened before because I didn't have a choice... but I guess this time it was for the right purposes...
