I Am Not Weak
I am not weak. I am strong. I can rise above. I can solve and do everything.
I am powerless. I am defenseless. I can't do anything. I am nothing.
What is the reality. What is my reality?
Was this always there . Why does it keep fluctuating . What's my purpose here
W.W
Do I need a lot more help? Do I need to be fixed? Am I broken?
I am fine, I don't have problems. do I 
How do I pretend to be okay in front of people and not breakdown into panic episodes or emotional crises after hiding it for so long on my own?
I need to be well I can't show them the truth. They'll just say it isn't the truth and rationaliize that I'm less than and that's why.
Do I have to live with the panic for the rest of my life? The need to open and bleed? Working and listening to people who don't care?
There is only one solution. It's going to happen soon.
Hi there :)
Welcome to the diary thread. This can be your own space for musings, or others can join you and chip in if they feel they can offer you support or comfort. Are you happy with that, or would you prefer to be left to your own thoughts? Perhaps I can just offer to sit by you for now, so you know youre not alone.
@DeborahUK
Hey Deb, thank you for taking the time to read my thread 
I really appreciate you doing so 
I think it would be helpful for people to chime in or join since I tend to get stuck in certain circular paths of thought. It seems though,that all I have, at least on my own and for myself, is negative energy and I don't want to burden or bring down others...
I have to be brave.
It's going to be alright.
It's all going to be okay
You can do it.
It's going to be over soon.
I was too messed up before it all and that's why it happened. It's going to keep happening again and again
The thoughts weren't that clear or directing before. I don't know where it's coming from but they're not mine.
It appears that I only have these negative perceptions about my capabilities and about ending things after I am told them, whether it be indirectly such as them saying I don't have these qualities because of this and that (even though it never crossed my mind), or directly even just under an anonymous alias.
In terms of my counseling session, I'm not sure how to start talking and revealing things that I hid for more than half of my life. Is "getting better" from counseling my end goal, or should I still pursue justice once I have a hang of life?
@humorousBeing8966
In my experience, counselling helps in a number of ways. Firstly it breaks the silence. And that can be really hard, to say something youve never voiced, but it truly is liberating. One of my favourite sayings has to be ‘its those things you least want to talk about that you most should. Because I honestly believe it to be true. Do it for you. You deserve to be heard.
Secondly it helps you look at events from different perspectives. Trauma, particularly when inflicted deliberately by others, can carry many negative messages. And counselling can help you question those messages and find new ones. It can be very affirming.
Thirdly it validates your experience. Again, we may have been told it was nothing, we deserved it, we may even have told ourselves that. Counselling helps you be able to say ‘that wasnt okay, and to mean it and believe it.
So yes, counselling can help you ‘get better in that sense. It doesnt exclude justice though, but it may help you realise what outcomes are important and achievable for you. I truly hope youre able to speak up and claim all those many benefits for yourself.
@DeborahUK
I'm anxious about going back though because last time I expressed strong distrust towards her and also made a mean comment deflecting something positive she expressed. Maybe she is mad now...but she responded at the time with understanding and compassion...but that means now I can trust her more probably...Maybe I'll be able to talk about those things that might matter next time
@humorousBeing8966
Its impressive to me that you were so honest towards her. You were authentic about how you felt in terms of your lack of trust. Why would you trust a stranger? Its very understandable for you to question that. And its great that she responded to your challenge with understanding and compassion. Youve been hurt, youre in a situation where that is bubbling beneath the surface as theres the expectation thats going to be talked about, and you lashed out verbally. Again, so understandable in those circumstances.
Just know you can share at your own pace, and only what youre comfortable with. But also be aware that this is an opportunity to air those hurt feelings in a safe environment. Youll get out of counselling what you put in, so Id urge you to be brave, push yourself beyond your comfort zone, and please dont fear being judged.
A common approach by therapists is to practice unconditional positive regard:
a concept developed by the humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers, is the basic acceptance and support of a person regardless of what the person says or does, especially in the context of client-centered therapy.
Happy Thoughts
Happy Places
Happy Images
Happiness
@humorousBeing8966 - A very happy image! :)
I really appreciate the musings and poetry you have shared in here and am proud of you for sharing those thoughts and starting to open up about what you are feeling. Hope that those happy thoughts are carrying through today and that you have a lovely evening and even better tomorrow
@Anomalia
Thank you for reading :) It means a lot to me to read what you wrote :)
Will it ever feel safe again without things coming back to this?
I hope so.
I don't want to wake up from this dream of mine
I want to keep living in the vision where everything is fine.