Hope is that glimmer of light inside of a dark night
So starting fresh, emotions not where i want to be, still not anywhere near where I want to be at the moment, but I kinda miss having a safe place to rant and put my poetry up and even make silly posts. Doubt there will be silly posts anytime soon, but I hope in time. As my title says Hope is that glimmer of light inside of a dark night, that is what I've been trying hard to hold onto, that small glimmer of hope to get me through this, its been difficult, well more than difficult, I have struggled immensely to comprehend anything right now, struggling how I managed to get myself into this situation again. I have been so appreciative of the support I have had during this time. I am in no way near even being anywhere close to where I was just a week and a bit ago, I was so ready to end the chapter of my life where I get hurt, get my power taken away and lose my voice. But in a way I have been heard this time, there are those still taking my choices from me, like not being able to work right now, as frustrated as it makes me feel, as I am feeling and told I am in wrong well not in so many words but still, being told there is a risk if I return to work at this time. Not helpful. Hmm enough ranting about that. There is still physical pain to contend with on top of the emotional pain but somehow I am making it through. My sleep is better but worse if that makes sense, I am sleeping so much the past week but also its not good sleep. My PTSD has been at its height while awake, hypervigilance, flashbacks, irritability, the whole shebang as well as I think my depression is the worse its been in a long time, bad bad thoughts, but I keep on keeping on. Im holding onto the support and care I have recieved this time around. I'll start this new diary off with a poem, the same poem I posted in my feed, its not in anyway good or looking for light, but its a poem reflective of how I feel. I am going to try to stress less about being positive or healing quickly in this new thread. I need to take it one day at a time, well 1 second at a time at the moment, but I am still trying, I am still here so that counts I think. Can't remember what I called this poem?
Broken and vulnerable again,
Old known hurt and pain
New wounds on parts of my soul
A chill in my body from the cold and rain
That night replaying like a horror show
My voice and screams, an unheard no!
A shutting down to protect in ways
A deep upset and broken shame
A fight now taken from my heart
Another fear now of the dark
A chance taken on becoming normal
A stupid decision thats left me vulnerable
A fight I never had the chance to win
And being told it was my sin
So many bruises and cuts to heal
Too many emotions I can feel
A week now has almost passed,
I dont know how I managed to last,
Feels like im barely surviving,
While I randomly begin crying
A bad friend to those who care
A wanting to be able to share,
Scared of seeing others agree
With the thoughts I have of me
I will end this on the hope that one day and hopefully soon, that hope that I hold in my heart for things to be better, for things to stop being this bad, for just a tiny little break from all the bad.. I hope one day this will no longer just be a far fetched idea for myself but something I am able to live and feel the freedom of no longer being harmed or silenced.
I needed to get that off my chest, I'll be quiet for little while now, but I think I'll be coming back stronger than ever (or I hope) I will throw myself into therapy today and will actually speak about it without holding back..
@calmLake1999
Calm. Damn girl, you are strong. Putting that out there like that must've taken a lot of energy. And even though it might seem like something better to hide, there's that saying. "And the truth will set you free." And here's your truth. Plain as day. You said it in your own time. You opened up on your time. Even though it might seem like a teeny bit of control, those add up. Because what happened to you... you so did not deserve! That guy was a f***ed up criminal psychopath. They say that there's usually a trail instead of just one person in these kind of instances. You did the right thing. And you were brave enough to go through the paces to get it done. And here you are, still bein' Super Nurse Calm! <3
I have no doubt in my mind that you will be able to safely have a nice, calm home life with Jasper. To be able to have fun and be safe with those who you can trust. And of course, we're always here for you for as long as you want us to be. <3 Love you, Calm. *safe hugs*
p.s. Got a new tarot deck and the Fortitude card reminds me so much of you in meaning and the feel it has. Here you go!
I have been so honored to meet the people I have here. Everyone brings their own spark into this world, everyone has their individual unique perspectives which I have been grateful to receive.. the amazing kind persons I have met have each brought a unique light and care into my world which I hadn't received before, I'm just sending out my gratitude and appreciation for being blessed enough to have you all in my life.. I don't know if any of you understand how your kind words have given me just that little extra hmm maybe oomph to hold onto life just a little longer and also given me the strength to remain sane (or as sane as I can be at this time lol) the gentle encouragement to continue growing and learning and the wisdom I receive give me insight into things I didn't have insight into before... I'm still in reflection mode and after it being brought to my attention that I may be selfish I decided to reflect on what cups has offered me and what I have in return offered back.. to be honest I'm unsure if I've offered anything back, I try to send my love out but have become overwhelmed of late and been unable to really see past what is happening for me offline.. I don't know if it's selfish or not but I am trying to get on the proper path of healing so that instead of survive I can begin to thrive.. as always one step at a time, I don't truly know who I am as of yet because I'm still trying to find who I really am, without the negative preconcieved notions.. it will take time but I guess one thing I have going for me is I'm stubborn as and i continue to preserver even when the going gets tough... Hmm ramble over, look into calms very overtired and pondering brain
@calmLake1999
You are NOT selfish for being in a place where you need to, for a time, receive much more than you can give. What that means is simply that you are in great need. I have all faith that when your needs begin to become more and more filled, you will naturally begin to want to give and give. It is a process.
xx
Think my thought processes are broken right now... Just a whole load of overwhelm, was thinking on earlier about something cool I wanted to make note of but forgot to write it down and now with the overwhelm just can't focus on a thing.. brain is keeping me stuck in memories and grounding for little moments but still not working.. maybe I'm a little burntout from working so much while trying to move and all the speaking, maybe just need some rest over the next day.. maybe it's time to treat myself to a lazy day where I only get out of bed to let the pup out
@calmLake1999
a lazy day sounds exactly like what you need Calm *hugs* 💖
@calmLake1999
I do hope you are treating yourself to that lazy day. Hugs. x
Just gonna talk on why I had to move into emergency housing, safe housing whatever there are so many different names, think I need to get this out so I can accept this situation for what it is...
Not long after he had been arrested then let out on bail, I was at home letting Jasper out to the toilet, which in itself was hard because at this stage I am petrified of being out at night... Somehow he found where I lived which breached his conditions anyway, but I got threatened and hurt again just not in the same way as what had him on bail, this time he didn't rape me just physically assault me, told me to be quiet or he would go after a girl I was close to at work. Told me she wouldn't survive the way I did because shed never been through it before, that I needed to recant, this in itself set off alarm bells later on.. by this stage I had my lawyer and after maybe a few hours of considering recanting and being quiet like he told me. I called my lawyer went back to police and he got put away again and won't be allowed out. Just gotta wait on trial.. then just over a week ago I got a letter. Id already been investigating on my own which was prob stupid idea to begin with as it could've put me in danger but I had to know.. the letter stated some things from my mum which she shouldn't have known but also said "bad things will continue to happen the longer you keep up this charade" I freaked and let my lawyer know without at first stating to her who had sent letter, than she requested to see letter. She organised safe temporary housing for me as she believes that im in danger living where I was at this stage, she also wants me to stay here for a few months until they can move me out of state, I've been so overwhelmed because everything has happened together in a span of weeks. And just as I thought I might be beginning to regain my footing, things spiralled again.. it's been so hard to see past everything that's happening, so hard to regain the will to fight at this stage because well I've just felt completely hopeless and my life is literally out of control.. but in saying this I'm trying to get myself to come to acceptance stage somehow and try to find a way to make this temporary situation work for now at least..
In a way I'm quite angry at myself too because I should've seen this coming, I should've known that it would be a long and difficult battle to be free.. but I just idk thought maybe I was stronger than I am, and thought that maybe I could cut off contact and she would just finally give up, but i underestimated her again and got myself hurt and now in a situation where I don't even know what I feel from moment to moment.. it's crazy how parents are supposed to provide comfort, love, safety and security where as mine offers the complete opposite, and I understand myself a little more now too, I understand why it's always been impossible for me to find that safety because I really am unsure what safety and security is meant to look like.. maybe in time I'll find some sort of safety and hopefully some freedom..
I wasn't born free, I was born right into the pits of hell, but damn it I am stronger than that and I've got to acknowledge that strength inside of me because if I wasn't strong then I wouldnt be here typing this, I wouldn't be caring for others and I sure as hell wouldn't be in a safe house that I freaking hate because I'm not independent here.. so back to one step at a time, one breath, control my breathing and just try to keep myself grounded.. I can somehow find a way to do this if I just keep holding onto that tiny little shred of hope I have inside and keep holding onto that promise I made to myself when I was younger, that promise to be free, to be safe, to no longer have to live in fear.. I hope that one day I'll get there, for now I'll just find a way to hold on a little longer, even if it means just making it through the next second, minute or hour.. I can do this, I will do this because I never break promises and I do matter too
Damn it when it rains it pours, no idea how to stay grounded now... I'm falling, emotion everywhere, not staying connected with reality, literally can't breathe!!
Gotta remember breathe! Just breathe, take one thing at time, yes it piling up but I stronger than this, i make it through somehow, just one little step, one little moment, one breathe, not have to be big breathe just keep breathing
Wondering how is possible, reach out for support as struggling so much and get none, end up being one to offer support, well guess should've learned lesson other day but still, idk always trying see good in situation and people... But hmm not even sure what sort of support id need just hurting heaps I guess and the reverting to bad coping is messing with brain as well as all I've released last few days...
Also pondering on how far will people take it to keep their secrets from being exposed, guess in that scheme of things I don't matter. Just someone who needs be shut up and shut down before I make things worse for people...
Ok back to breathing I guess, so not grounded or present today not sure how to get back there just really kinda struggling to deal with the hurt and confusion.. hmm thinking confusion describes it a lot for me
Feeling little all over the place, fairly overwhelmed.. been awake lying here since 2 but not able to literally do a thing, caught in thoughts and memories, attempting to ground but was unsuccessful only just able to pull myself out, out of the vicious memories circling, out of that overwhelming pain, sadness, fear that had me lying here unable to even reach for my phone.. fear very prominent, logically knowing I'm safe but still feeling this irrational fear, fear of it happening again, fear of being found fear of just not being enough to defend myself, well I can't defend myself anyway it never works... So physically and emotionally tired too but can't get myself to go back to sleep because I fear what will happen, scared of seeing again... Having trouble breathing but does it matter?
@calmLake1999
Calm, I think you're doing well considering the situation. I have faith that you're going to get through this, even though things are so challenging. You and Jasper will finally have the peace and stability that you deserve. <3
Sending safe hugs to you, Calm.
It hurts, just hurts so so so much that even crying isn't helping, distracting isn't helping, nothing is helping, I don't see how it will get better... It just really hurts 😢
@calmLake1999
Calm it is just a bad picture, it isn't really there, you can get out of it, you can make it go away... Concnetrate on Jasper, he is really there... Try to hold on Calm... Deep breaths, ok? Slowly and deeply, you know how to do that, just keep breathing,slowly and deeply... Nothing can hurt you where you are, you are safe,perfectly safe.. keep breathing, slwoly and deeply... Hold on...
Just when? When will this hurt and pain become just a little less, I don't know how to keep holding on, my head hurts, my mind is stuck, my heart and soul is just aching and aching so so bad.. it's so painful and neverending and I just can't be strong in this moment
Please please let this pain end now,
Please stop it from crushing me,
Please just let me see how,
To make it pause for a chance to breathe...
The hurt is overwhelming and breaking
This is something I have tried shaking,
The grief and sorrow I am stuck inside,
I have no way out or anywhere to hide,
Mind is stuck inside of that very dark place,
While I try hard not to let it show on my face,
The silent tears sliding down my cheek,
Just not knowing how to make it through the next week..
Fear is evident in everything i do,
And an awful pet mum I feel like too...
Every step i take monitored by others,
This has been something I try to not let it bother,
How do I go on living this life,
When all I want is a break and respite...
I don't want to become bitter,
Inside this very cold World,
I want to show I can be better,
But oh my word...
It is so hard to love and care
When I feel my heart and mind
Isn't truly there!
Does this make me insane?
Or crazily broken, in too much pain..
Does this make me selfish?
As I can't put this on the shelf and continue...
I do care and love truly very deeply,
But my hurt and pain is making it hard..
To see the potential that you see..
Please hold on for me,
When I have no hope left...
Please let me see
Why it's worth making through
The next day or week...
A broken down human is what I've become..
And I ask now does this make you proud?
Hoping now taken final step in freedom and hoping this mean I finally be safe, going against everything been told, but not be hurt no more.. need few days to recover from. Not even sunk in yet, just do things like get told to make safe, not sure if will work hope will work but scared too, was supposed be safe here and not safe, wasn't supposed get hurt no more but did, just trying find footing and find way finally be safe 🙁
Always hurt, soooooo much pain and supposed be safe but replays over and over and over again, not even able rest properly, too sore to even attempt proper rest, supposed take medicine but so not happening don't like way it make me feel.. spiralling thoughts, trying catch them before too bad but happen quick, getting stuck... Just wondering when does it end?? 😢
It hurts and never ends, the pain just won't subside, not just physical emotional too... When is enough finally enough, why does taking the right steps to safety lead into even more pain? Why do people just gotta hurt people constantly without a regard to how it just kills more of that hope they so delicately try to build? Why do I not get the opportunity to experience some semblance of safety, of security, of peace for just a little while before more is added to my plate... I am only 26 years old yet I feel like I have survived for far too long, these 26 yeara have shown me so so much pain and so much hatred towards myself and I just got to wonder why? Seriously why? Why and how can you hate the one you created? How can you cause so so much pain with no regard whatsoever, no care that you have literally pushed your own daughter right to the brink... To continue to attack and hurt her until she promise to keep your secrets, promise to keep quiet about the things YOU did to her... Keep hurting her in the hopes that she will just give up... I don't know if I am close to giving up, I am literally sitting on the brink with a ton of emotional pain and add to the physical pain of just yesterday... And I just got to wonder, how much more am I expected to take?