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Do I belong here? My story of peer abuse

sincerePark336 March 19th, 2018

First of all: I'm not sure if I count. I feel that the stuff I went through was traumatic and it still affects me now, but if you guys think it wasn't bad enough for me to be here, just tell me. I wont be offended by it.

It started in primary. I was different than the other kids because I had spine problems and symptoms which might have been a clue for ADD. I was really slow, I had troubles concentrating, I dreamed in class. The way I ran looked "funny", my face seemed to look funny, everything. I was sent to physical therapy by the teachers, got extra classes, got screamed at when we were doing crafts. I mean, I still got top-grades, because I was really bright for my age and learnt how to read and write really fast, but teachers just really liked to overlook this. And the other kids loved this. Because that meant it was okay for them to do the same thing. They made fun of me, every single day. They damaged my toys and my books. They tried to beat me up and followed me on my way home. During breaks I would sit alone, when walking with my class I would walk on my own. It was okay. I mean, I knew it would end and my parents promised me that history would not repeat itself. The kids would get older, I wouldn't have to be alone in middle school anymore.

They were wrong.

At first everything seemed to be fine. I even made one or two friends. But suddenly - boom - one of my so-called friends decided I suck. And she told me all about why. I stink. I'm stupid. I'm selfish. I'm unlovable, unworthy of friends. She hopes I'll die. She started spreading rumours.

Soon after she stopped, someone started this funny game on my facebook page. Who writes the funniest things? I bet you are afraid when you look into the mirror each morning. You will never find a boyfriend. Talk to your crush and I will kill you.

My parents found out before me and told my teacher. They deleted my account before I could see all of the stuff. I'm thankful for that.

My teacher sat me next to a "nice girl". She started calling me names during class, forcing me to let her copy my homework, throughing her trash into my schoolbag.

A group of boys remembered the jokes from primary. You walk like a duck! Walk normal! You are ugly! Criple! Criple! Criple! Oh my god, just look at her feet!

Once the " nice girl" i mentioned above set down next to me. I was so happy that I wouldn't be sitting alone anymore. Hey, you realise nobody likes you? You don't have friends. You will never have friends.

My friends stopped talking to me or started pushing me around. Slapping me. Talking me I should stop overreacting, nothing ever happened to me.

Another boy and his friend decided to try to see if I would attempt suicide. Just do us all a favour and kill youself already. Nobody likes you. No one will ever love you.

Don't touch her, she has the plague! I bet she is a lesbian. She is a freak.

They wouLD spit on the floor in front of me, they would push me, they would through stuff at me, they would try to let stuff explode behind my back.

This continued until I started high school. No one knew my name or my story. It was a brand new start and it probably saved my life. I'm so thankful for having been able to be a student of that school.

Now I'm at university. Five years have past since the last person has called me "cripple". I've made incredible friends, met awesome people, found out how to be more outgoing by playing theatre.

It is over. But it's not. Not really. If it was over, I wouldn't have to think about it over and over again. I still relive it in my head. I've internalised their words. The first thing I hear when I look inside a mirror is someone making fun of my legs. Or my face. My boobs. My hands. Anything, really.

On some days I feel like I'm back to being a child. I jump at every noice and start to cry from the slightest bit of criticism.

I'm scared of telling people how I feel. I'm scared of looking people into the eyes.

Whenever I see someone who looks familiar to my old classmates, I freeze. It's weird to explain. Whenever I actually spot one of them, I run away. Not actual running, but I just walk in a different direction. Pretend to not see them, because of a poster of because I'm talking to a friend.

Well, that's my story. You get to decide, it I'm allowed to stay here. Because if you feel offended by me being here (as I'm only a victim of bullying) I will just leave this community.

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TaranWanderer March 19th, 2018

@sincerePark336 of course you belong here!! it's pretty well known how much of an impact bullying can have on people! In fact, there's even a "trauma from bullying" section of the sc.

Here are just some thoughts I had when reading through:
-I'm not really sure why your parents would think things would get better in middle school, if anything that usually when kids are the nastiest :S
-I'm happy your parents and teachers actually took action and tried to keep you safe from the horrible things your peers said (even if sometimes it didn't work out the best...)
-this is definitely things you didn't deserve at all, and things that can be very traumatic (forceful exclusion/making you feel like you don't belong, threats/trying to push you to suicide, physical and emotional abuse...all so horrible crying)
-I'm sooooo happy to hear that things got better once you started high school, once you could be free from the nasty people of your past. This is probably the more likely time that your parents should have said things will get better, they will grow up (rather than middle school)
-I'm sorry to hear about how much the empty, cruel words of some mean kids has impacted you. You don't deserve this at all, you deserve to feel happy in your own skin, to express yourself and your emotions freely, to not be haunted by their words
-but, none of this is your fault. It's not your fault that these words have seeped into your own thoughts, that it's impacting you in this way.
-it makes absolute sense that you don't want to encounter people from your past! or even people who remind you of them. Why would anyone want to interact with the people who tormented them and made life so negative
-you are so much better than them. You're more beautiful and more kind and stronger and just better in every way.
-I really hope that with time and from working through the trauma they put you through, that their words can start to fade away, to become things of the past, and that you can move towards the future as your own person, free from them heart

3 replies
sincerePark336 OP March 22nd, 2018

@TaranWanderer thank you so much for your reply. Sorry it took me so long to reply, but I wanted to make sure I'll have enough time to respond properly.

Fist of all: I'm relieved, that people here don't seem to think that I'm weak or that I just didn't try hard it enough to fit in. It's like a wave of validation washing over me.

I think my parents actually believed that things would get better. They knew all of my new teachers and even tried to learn about my new classmates before I started middle school. They did everything they could and felt like it was impossible to fail at this "Mission". Maybe that's why it's so hard to talk to them about this now. I think they feel like they are part responsible.

When I started high school I refused to talk about anything that might happen. When they tried to tell me that it don't happen again and that I'm safe now, I didn't believe them. I couldn't believe them. So they stopped talking about it too. But you should have seen the amazing smile on their face when they met my new classmates and saw me laughing with them.

2 replies
gene2017 March 22nd, 2018

@sincerePark336 I'm so sorry for your pain. Years of bullying indeed qualifies as trauma. You were tormented. I was too, over a number of years and for me it has been as traumatic as other abuses I've undergone. I still carry the weight to this day. You certainly are not weak and you are surely welcome here where you will find support and empathy.

TaranWanderer March 22nd, 2018

@sincerePark336

I don't see a single thing weak about you heart none of this was your fault, nor from your lack of effort, this was something that happened to you, not was caused by you.

I believe that, that your parents thought things would get better. It's really understandable that they felt that way, it's too bad that they feel guilty/responsible about what happened. It's not their fault, they couldn't have predicted the way things played out in middle school. In my experience it seems to be the worst time for kids, but that's not always the case, and there's nothing wrong with being optimistic.

Even with all the fear and hesitation around high school, and not wanting to talk about anything that may happen, or worrying things wouldn't change...it's so so nice they got to see you smiling and laughing with your new classmates heart And I'm even more happy for you, that you finally got to be surrounded by kind people who treated you the way you actually deserve, instead of all the cruel kids from middle school.

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energeticPenny8 March 23rd, 2018

@sincerePark336 you belong here and I'm glad you've found this place.. parents sometimes just want their kid to be okay as long as things get back to normal they feel okay we've done their part .. but years of bullying and abuse can't be just swept away...it needs to be talked about and dealt with validated. I know it still affects me daily too.

1 reply
sincerePark336 OP March 31st, 2018

@energeticPenny8 Thank's for your reply. I'm sorry you too are affected by it.

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