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sincerePark336
1,656 M Little Steps 6
PathStep 13 Compassion hearts46 Forum posts140 Forum upvotes264 Current upvotes264 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2020 Member sinceFebruary 7, 2018
Bio
Hi!
I'm just a girl, trying to lead a normal life. I love theatre and books and I want to learn so many different things!
I'm here because of my spine (it causes me pain and I craved someone to talk to). I'm diagnosed with "flat back syndrome".
Recent forum posts
This guy I met on monday
Trauma Support / by sincerePark336
Last post
 July 28th, 2019
...See more Hi! I know, I've been absent for quite some time now. I was so calm the past half year. When my grandfather died something clicked inside my head. I became peaceful, crazy as that may sound. I was at peace with myself and my past and I even started to love myself. And then Monday happened! I was just walking to my class on martial arts (which I recently started taking to boost my self esteem) and then this guy approached me and asked for my number. He was awkward and funny and even kind of cute, so I texted him back. And now he wants to invite me to a cup of coffee. I know, it's nothing special. But this whole boyfriend girlfriend thing freaks me out. I'm so scared of becoming vulnerable towards a person. I don't want to push him away just in case. He seems to be nice. But I'm so scared of getting close to him. Any advice on this?
I deserve to be happy
Trauma Support / by sincerePark336
Last post
 August 28th, 2018
...See more I kind of changed my mind on about how I treat myself during the past week. It started when I met up with two of my closest friends. We were talking about boys and they started questioning me about this boy I fell in love with and the boy I was in love with when we still went to school together. Let's just say that I'm not really lucky when falling for boys. The boy I had a crush on during school turned out to be gay, the guy I had a crush on after finishing school chose to ignore me after I thought that we are finally getting closer to each other. And my girls were so goddamn angry at guy number 2 and (because they don't really know about number 1s orientation yet) encouraged me to tell guy number 1 about my feelings. You are such a cute girl and so intelligent and nice – stop hiding yourself behind your books, please! This sentence has been echoing in my head since then. It's true that I'm intelligent, that much I know. It's also true that I can nice (too nice sometimes), even though I can be very shy when meeting people or when I realise that I'm falling for someone. I don't really know about being cute – I always saw myself as a person that has to impress with her brain and her character because I don't look special or something. So it was really strange to hear someone tell my I'm cute. About hiding behind my books...yes, that's 100% true. Whenever I start feeling bad about myself or my past or the way I look or anything, I study until I just don't have the strength to think anymore. Sometimes up to 8 or 9 hours a day. Other people do drugs or cut themselves or cry in a pillow when they feel bad – I study. When I get good grades it feels like I'm high and I feel better about myself, much better. Well enough about that. This weekend I visited guy number 1, who is now studying abroad and is the best friend you could ever imagine. We talked a lot and went to parties and to the cinema and just had a real fun time and … we switched dating apps. I didn't had a profile before, so I let him create it and, let's say, I was kind of...impressed? This profile presented me as a really great person, a person I never saw myself as. Someone who is fun, talented and... loveable. The pictures he chose were ones I made when I was bored and had nothing else to do. I worked on his profile too – I deleted all negative things he wrote about himself and made sure to present him the best way possible and to only choose the guys I thought he could be attracted too. I wasn't allowed to enter my dating profile until the end of my stay. Let's just say: I was so surprised! And it was so good for my self-esteem! So now I'm back home – and I want to keep that positive feeling about myself. Today I printed out all the pictures we made together, because I look so goddamn happy – and I deserve to be happy, I just deserve it! I don't want to beat myself up anymore, not for things I did and even less for things that others did to me. I've already missed out on so much, just because of my self-hatred. I mean, seriously – if others told me the things about myself I keep telling me, I would never talk to them again and make sure I would never see them again. Yet, when I talk to me like that, I just accept it. Believe it. I want to stop that. I will try to stop that. Because I deserve it! I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!!!
Do I belong here? My story of peer abuse
Trauma Support / by sincerePark336
Last post
 March 31st, 2018
...See more First of all: I'm not sure if I count. I feel that the stuff I went through was traumatic and it still affects me now, but if you guys think it wasn't bad enough for me to be here, just tell me. I wont be offended by it. It started in primary. I was different than the other kids because I had spine problems and symptoms which might have been a clue for ADD. I was really slow, I had troubles concentrating, I dreamed in class. The way I ran looked "funny", my face seemed to look funny, everything. I was sent to physical therapy by the teachers, got extra classes, got screamed at when we were doing crafts. I mean, I still got top-grades, because I was really bright for my age and learnt how to read and write really fast, but teachers just really liked to overlook this. And the other kids loved this. Because that meant it was okay for them to do the same thing. They made fun of me, every single day. They damaged my toys and my books. They tried to beat me up and followed me on my way home. During breaks I would sit alone, when walking with my class I would walk on my own. It was okay. I mean, I knew it would end and my parents promised me that history would not repeat itself. The kids would get older, I wouldn't have to be alone in middle school anymore. They were wrong. At first everything seemed to be fine. I even made one or two friends. But suddenly - boom - one of my so-called friends decided I suck. And she told me all about why. I stink. I'm stupid. I'm selfish. I'm unlovable, unworthy of friends. She hopes I'll die. She started spreading rumours. Soon after she stopped, someone started this funny game on my facebook page. Who writes the funniest things? I bet you are afraid when you look into the mirror each morning. You will never find a boyfriend. Talk to your crush and I will kill you. My parents found out before me and told my teacher. They deleted my account before I could see all of the stuff. I'm thankful for that. My teacher sat me next to a "nice girl". She started calling me names during class, forcing me to let her copy my homework, throughing her trash into my schoolbag. A group of boys remembered the jokes from primary. You walk like a duck! Walk normal! You are ugly! Criple! Criple! Criple! Oh my god, just look at her feet! Once the " nice girl" i mentioned above set down next to me. I was so happy that I wouldn't be sitting alone anymore. Hey, you realise nobody likes you? You don't have friends. You will never have friends. My friends stopped talking to me or started pushing me around. Slapping me. Talking me I should stop overreacting, nothing ever happened to me. Another boy and his friend decided to try to see if I would attempt suicide. Just do us all a favour and kill youself already. Nobody likes you. No one will ever love you. Don't touch her, she has the plague! I bet she is a lesbian. She is a freak. They wouLD spit on the floor in front of me, they would push me, they would through stuff at me, they would try to let stuff explode behind my back. This continued until I started high school. No one knew my name or my story. It was a brand new start and it probably saved my life. I'm so thankful for having been able to be a student of that school. Now I'm at university. Five years have past since the last person has called me "cripple". I've made incredible friends, met awesome people, found out how to be more outgoing by playing theatre. It is over. But it's not. Not really. If it was over, I wouldn't have to think about it over and over again. I still relive it in my head. I've internalised their words. The first thing I hear when I look inside a mirror is someone making fun of my legs. Or my face. My boobs. My hands. Anything, really. On some days I feel like I'm back to being a child. I jump at every noice and start to cry from the slightest bit of criticism. I'm scared of telling people how I feel. I'm scared of looking people into the eyes. Whenever I see someone who looks familiar to my old classmates, I freeze. It's weird to explain. Whenever I actually spot one of them, I run away. Not actual running, but I just walk in a different direction. Pretend to not see them, because of a poster of because I'm talking to a friend. Well, that's my story. You get to decide, it I'm allowed to stay here. Because if you feel offended by me being here (as I'm only a victim of bullying) I will just leave this community.
Advice for first day of university?
Student Support / by sincerePark336
Last post
 March 4th, 2018
...See more Hello guys, I have my first day of universtiy tomorrow and I wanted to know, if you could give me some advice. I'm really nervous. I'm especially nervous about being completely alone, as I spent the first semester abroad and am only now joining in in the second semester. Well, it's my first one, but it's the second one for most of the other students. You understand what I mean? Uuuuugh, I'm just so anxious about that!
Flat back syndrome
Disability Support / by sincerePark336
Last post
 March 6th, 2018
...See more This means the natural curve of the spine is (partially) missing. It can be caused by a surgery, by arthritis or a cancer. Or (in my case) you're just born with it. Anyone else affected by it?
Anyone here with flat back syndrome?
Disability Support / by sincerePark336
Last post
 April 12th, 2018
...See more ...because I'm diagnosed with it. I was born with it and feel like I'm the only one.
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