Do I belong here? My story of peer abuse

First of all: I'm not sure if I count. I feel that the stuff I went through was traumatic and it still affects me now, but if you guys think it wasn't bad enough for me to be here, just tell me. I wont be offended by it.

It started in primary. I was different than the other kids because I had spine problems and symptoms which might have been a clue for ADD. I was really slow, I had troubles concentrating, I dreamed in class. The way I ran looked "funny", my face seemed to look funny, everything. I was sent to physical therapy by the teachers, got extra classes, got screamed at when we were doing crafts. I mean, I still got top-grades, because I was really bright for my age and learnt how to read and write really fast, but teachers just really liked to overlook this. And the other kids loved this. Because that meant it was okay for them to do the same thing. They made fun of me, every single day. They damaged my toys and my books. They tried to beat me up and followed me on my way home. During breaks I would sit alone, when walking with my class I would walk on my own. It was okay. I mean, I knew it would end and my parents promised me that history would not repeat itself. The kids would get older, I wouldn't have to be alone in middle school anymore.

They were wrong.

At first everything seemed to be fine. I even made one or two friends. But suddenly - boom - one of my so-called friends decided I suck. And she told me all about why. I stink. I'm stupid. I'm selfish. I'm unlovable, unworthy of friends. She hopes I'll die. She started spreading rumours.

Soon after she stopped, someone started this funny game on my facebook page. Who writes the funniest things? I bet you are afraid when you look into the mirror each morning. You will never find a boyfriend. Talk to your crush and I will kill you.

My parents found out before me and told my teacher. They deleted my account before I could see all of the stuff. I'm thankful for that.

My teacher sat me next to a "nice girl". She started calling me names during class, forcing me to let her copy my homework, throughing her trash into my schoolbag.

A group of boys remembered the jokes from primary. You walk like a duck! Walk normal! You are ugly! Criple! Criple! Criple! Oh my god, just look at her feet!

Once the " nice girl" i mentioned above set down next to me. I was so happy that I wouldn't be sitting alone anymore. Hey, you realise nobody likes you? You don't have friends. You will never have friends.

My friends stopped talking to me or started pushing me around. Slapping me. Talking me I should stop overreacting, nothing ever happened to me.

Another boy and his friend decided to try to see if I would attempt suicide. Just do us all a favour and kill youself already. Nobody likes you. No one will ever love you.

Don't touch her, she has the plague! I bet she is a lesbian. She is a freak.

They wouLD spit on the floor in front of me, they would push me, they would through stuff at me, they would try to let stuff explode behind my back.

This continued until I started high school. No one knew my name or my story. It was a brand new start and it probably saved my life. I'm so thankful for having been able to be a student of that school.

Now I'm at university. Five years have past since the last person has called me "cripple". I've made incredible friends, met awesome people, found out how to be more outgoing by playing theatre.

It is over. But it's not. Not really. If it was over, I wouldn't have to think about it over and over again. I still relive it in my head. I've internalised their words. The first thing I hear when I look inside a mirror is someone making fun of my legs. Or my face. My boobs. My hands. Anything, really.

On some days I feel like I'm back to being a child. I jump at every noice and start to cry from the slightest bit of criticism.

I'm scared of telling people how I feel. I'm scared of looking people into the eyes.

Whenever I see someone who looks familiar to my old classmates, I freeze. It's weird to explain. Whenever I actually spot one of them, I run away. Not actual running, but I just walk in a different direction. Pretend to not see them, because of a poster of because I'm talking to a friend.

Well, that's my story. You get to decide, it I'm allowed to stay here. Because if you feel offended by me being here (as I'm only a victim of bullying) I will just leave this community.