Diagnosed with PTSD yesterday!

I'm going to tell my story so I will put a trigger warning on this!

I lost my Mum in 2004 & have been subject to emotional abuse since then.

My Dad has had several toxic relationships which have taken a toll on me & I've feared for my life several times. We work together & I think I constantly get triggered by reminders of the trauma. I don't know if this is because of the situation or because its my Dad.

I am constantly stressed. I wake up in the morning feeling anxious, this anxious feeling sometimes goes away but it can last for months. I feel bad because its nothing to do with Hannah, its just me.

I zone out A LOT. I listen to music and fantasize about how I want my life to be as though it cant be positive. I do this most days & feel guilty about it. I really struggle to focus on my work & feel guilty when I fall behind.

I find routines hard to maintain & struggle to consistently do positive things in my life! I will go to the gym for a month and then just stop. I will ghost people for no apparent reason.

When I drink I feel deeply upset & lash out. I feel low a lot of the time, although I never feel the temptation to self-harm.

I get road rage over slight things & this can bother me all day. In some ways I preferred being driven or getting the bus.

I find it hard to trust people & always feel as though another disaster is on the way. I feel as though nothing is permanent in my life & things could just suddenly change one day. I think this is why I find it hard to actually build a future that I want & am not a bystander in.

In spite of everything that has gone on I still love my Dad & want to build a business with him. I think that my triggers could pop up anywhere & the key to shutting the door on my PTSD is dealing with the issues relative to my Dad, not running away from them.

I am terrified of arguments & where they can lead. I then never argue or stand up for myself because Im scared of the consequences.

I never have panic attacks or get really upset, I just feel low & numb. Its hard to describe.

I feel as though I havent had a good nights sleep in years! I dont feel safe in my own home even though it is my safe space.