CATFISH - Trigger warning: This story comes from my real experience of being catfished. If you have a similar experience, this post might trigger you
Do you familiar with the term CATFISH?
Wikipedia wrote, "On the internet, a "catfish" is someone who creates fake personal profiles on social sites using someone else's pictures and false biographical information to pretend to be someone else. These "catfish" usually intend to trick an unsuspecting person or more into falling in love with them. The term "catfish" is derived from the title of the previously-mentioned 2010 documentary, in which filmmaker Schulman discovers that the woman with whom he'd been carrying on an online relationship had not been honest in describing herself."
Allow me to tell you a little bit about myself. I'm a 40 yo single working mother. I got divorced in October 2018 and felt so free that I jumped into a world that was so new to me: online dating -not for something serious, just want to have fun with strangers that live very far from me (I only chatted with westerners who live abroad). The thing about online dating is almost 99% of all the men I was chatting with were into sexting, but there's this one different man. The only man that never had any interest in sexting or my naked picture; he's not into that kind of thing. His name was Jaimes. On his profile, he wrote his age 44 yo [edited by @NoneTheWiser for sharing personally identifying information]. We started chatting on December 1, 2018.
Jaimes told me that he was a true introvert, but we share stories, even though I mostly did the sharing. He also called me sometimes and we always had a good laugh. I grew fond of him and I felt that I really care about him. But I was also very curious about why he never wanted to do a single video call. He promised to do it but never keep it.
I guess I got so attached to him that I started to compare any man that wanted to get close to me and even sabotaged my real relationship with any man that could be my real partner in life. And the longer we chat, the more I was dying to know who he was. So, we started to fight a lot through chat. I begged to have a single video call with him, but he always said no.
Until one night on July 11, 2020. I just turned down a man because Jaimes was the only man in my heart, and my house also got flooded by the heavy rain. I told that man how I felt about Jaimes, and he commented that I was crazy and stupid for believing a person whom I never met before and never wanted to do video call. He told me that even if he killed himself, he would still be unable to make me happy because I chose Jaimes, who might not even be real, over him, who is real. Even though I did not like him, his words got me. That night I finally searched Jaimes. I used several search sites but didn’t pay any of them (I have to pay if I wanted to get a full report). So, I did not know if the result was valid or not, and thought I have to confront him with my findings. I did that, and I guessed I made him freak out.
He texted me: “You disappointed me and crossed a line that I hoped you would not. Take the inaccurate information you found and have fun with it, dear. I hope you find whatever you were looking for because I'm not participating anymore. Best wishes to you.”
Previously I already told Jaimes that I was so close to hiring a private investigator to help me find out who he was. He told me that if I do that, he would stop talking to me because he thought that it was creepy. So, I promised him that I would never hire one. So, his reaction when I tried to confront him was predictable, but I didn't know why I still felt so shocked that night. I felt misunderstood and hurt. I didn't try to defend myself, I didn't reply to his message for days until I got to the point where I really missed chatting/talking to him because we usually talked to each other every day and the longest we were not talking to each other was 4 days (when we both so busy with our work and our life, or when we just had arguments, which was not so often). After 3 weeks I texted him back, half pretending nothing had happened but he didn’t even read my messages until August 20, 2020; the day I called Black Thursday.
He finally replied to my message and hurt me even more because instead of coming clean on who he was and apologizing to me for not keeping his promise to do a video call, he blamed and judged me as someone who did something creepy and violated his space when all I did was just try to find the truth after 20 months of knowing him. I asked him to just delete and block me in his WhatsApp because I can't do that by myself; I even wrote the instruction on how to do it (because he always told me he wasn't good with WhatsApp and only use it for the sole purpose to chat with me), but then he replied me with this: "Just stop... Ok. Please. Just stop." So I stopped, out of respect for his feelings, while neglecting how I needed to know the truth and get closure.
I did not find out the truth about Jaimes until August 26, 2020, when I was when browsing the 7 Cups Help Center under the topic of Community Safety. There I read and quote, "You can stay safe on 7 Cups by adhering to the community guidelines. Be kind, but use common sense when interacting on the internet. Not everyone is who they say they are (have you seen the show Catfish? Yeah, this really happens). Maintain boundaries and guard your personal information and identity." When I first saw it, I was stunned but then I immediately googled Catfish the show and found the MTV Catfish youtube channel. After watching just 1 video, I was shocked, because at that time I knew that I was being Catfished. Jaimes catfished me; he lied to me and played with my feelings, and then just cut me off when I tried to find out about him. That moment brought up all the pain to the surface, and out of desperation, I finally did another search on Jaimes in Spokeo and also Intellius and eventually paid for the result.
Jaimes Bondey was not his real name (of course, how silly I was). [edited by @NoneTheWiser for sharing personally identifying information] Besides those 3 facts, all about him was real: his origin, home address, job, marital status (single), and even all of his photos. I was even able to find his email address and viewed his LinkedIn account (and got blocked the next day). I cried a lot for days, felt so deceived, and was heartbroken.
And that was my story of being catfished. I have forgiven Jaimes. I'm no longer mad at him, as a matter of fact, I bless him every time I remember him. But until this day, I don't know why he did it. Do you know why he did it? Or do you have a similar experience? Please share your story or comment below -maybe we can strengthen each other and learn together from our mistakes.
@UndomesticGoddess
I haven't seen the movie. (It doesn't sound like a romcom, which is my current preferred form of escapism.)
My guess is that there are as many reasons for this as there are people who do it. But off the top of my head:
Voyeurism - a voyeur is someone who looks at you when you don't know they are there. The criminal ones peek through windows or keyholes to see if they can catch a glimpse of naked flesh. I wonder if some online ones work using fake identities like Jaimes.
Fraud - I knew of a chap who worked at a basic level job, and didn't have much of a social life. He was befriended by a woman online, who after months of chatting with him, told him she was going to lose her house, and had no idea what she was going to do. With great generosity, our hero took out a loan on his small flat and lent her the money.
Second Life - I do wonder if second life is a great way of working out all of our inner catfish tendencies.
And lastly the ones who are as genuine as they can be, but feel that if you knew about them as they really are, with their looks and their lives, you wouldn't be interested in talking to them.
I'm sure there are more?
I help out as a listener on this site. I have a profile, a name (which may or may not be accurate lol), and certain assertions I make about my youth (70) and looks (average). But of course no-one really knows. I could be a teenager who sings in a rock band, a shape-shifting alien from the planet zog, or almost anyone. Read the reviews, and take care!
@DavidEss
Dear David,
Thank you so much for your comment. I found it interesting because it's so informative. I've been a victim of voyeurism too, and some people had tried to scam me online, but luckily I have never got to the point where I lose my money. I believe Jaimes was genuine, but maybe, just like you said, he was afraid that I wouldn't want to talk to him if I know that he's 50. I remember he kept saying that he's so old, and his music taste was old, but he's also the one who introduced me to Boogie Belgique and we both loved that swing band. We both love photography, the beach, and flowers that often when he jogged he would send me a snap of beautiful flowers on a garden/park. And I just loved the fact that I can talk anything with him, from insecurities to achievements, from families and enemies, even business and culture. And he was there (virtually) when I got a heart attack. So, I think you can imagine now how sincere he was and how close we were. People say curiosity kills, well I think it's right -it did kill my relationship with him. Maybe I should have wait for him until he's ready to tell me who he was? But then it happened already, I cannot turn back time, I just have to move on, right? Would love to have your comment on this one too. Thanks in advance!
@UndomesticGoddess
It raises a whole philosophical question about who are we really, and how much of ourselves (assuming we have any Idea who we are) do we dare show online. Personally, I'm pragmatic, and I think endless philosophising can get in the way the obvious answer, which is, for me, do your best to be honest.
Even then, what people write can be misinterpreted, unintentionally (due to differences in conditioning and personal history) and intentionally (trolls).
I know it's unfashionable, and at the moment the alternatives carry more health risks than usual, but I don't believe that it's a good idea to have a romantic or sexual relationship online. It's not how we evolved.
@UndomesticGoddess
not entirely irrelevant, this is my 1001st forum post. I had stopped posting on these forums completely, because I had an email warning about something I said, but no-one could ever tell me what it was!
It's strange how this site works, sometimes. So it's less hassle for me to just stay away.
@UndomesticGoddess yeesh, who gets so upset about being googled, basically everyone does it. I'm always searching up new people I'm interested in, my new bosses always tell me they search me online, my friends are always looking people up, it's so normal. Clearly that guy knew he was doing something wrong to have that kind of reaction! Really sucks you had to go through this, I guess at the very least it was a great learning experience... and, you know that you were genuine, and several people liked you, so there are going to be real Jaimes out there who would like you too, minus the lying about themselves :p
@FoxPrince
Awww.. thank you so much for your encouraging comment, Prince! After he blocked me in WhatsApp on August 20th, he opened the block once on September 12th just to send this to me, "I hope your recent actions have given you some time to think about your inability to respect people's (especially a friend's) boundaries. Best wishes to you." I cannot reply because after sending it, he immediately blocked me again! 😅
After that, I have a serious trust issue, I suspected everyone I met online, even on professional websites such as LinkedIn. I have deleted my profiles in any online dating websites/apps and also deactivated my LI account (I don't understand why there were so many men in LI who asked to know me on a personal level).
You are right, it was a great learning experience. And I hope someday what you said is right, that I will meet someone as good as Jaimes -minus the lying.
@UndomesticGoddess
and you have boundaries too.
@DavidEss
Yes, I do. I have rules and boundaries too, but then my rules and boundaries must be different from others. I used to be a pushover, but as I get older (and hopefully wiser), I learn to say No. Maybe that's why I was able to talk to him for 20 months, as he never breaks my rules and boundaries, I felt that I should give him time.
@UndomesticGoddess
Tagging @hurt1ng
@ThespiritGod says Hi. If you want to reconnect with him, you can message him @ThespirrriitGOD
Thanks!
@UndomesticGoddess, thank you! I am just using my mobile device and cannot find him. How? Please say hi for me and hope he is doing well.