Broken
I guess this is where I should put this. Trigger warnings for sexual abuse and suicide. My father was abusive. He physically abused me and my mother for as long as I could remember. She killed herself when I was ten right before my eleventh birthday. I found her. After that everything got worse. On my eleventh birthday my father raped me for the first time. He controlled my entire life. He pulled me out of school and home schooled me when I turned twelve. He abused and raped me almost daily. He did horrible things to me and made me do things no person should have to. He tortured me, true torture. I hardly ever left my house. Around seventeen I was aware that my life was not normal. I guess I always knew but didnt understand. I didnt know what to do though. I was afraid. When I turned 20 he made me get a job to help support his drug habit. Soon after he got arrested in a drug bust. I told the police everything. They said people would help me, but I must have slipped through the cracks because I never received help or assistance. I applied to jobs and someone took pity on me, gave me a job paying more than I deserved so I could support myself, barely, but it is the greatest kindness Ive ever had in my life. Im 23 now. Even though I got out of my situation, I feel like I didnt. My body survived, but inside I feel broken. Im empty. Numb. I cant make friends or date. I have trouble with simple interaction. I dont feel human. Just someone pretending.
@LightsOnForever I wish I had just anything to say that could possibly make anything better, but I truly am sorry that you've had to go through all of that, and that you still suffer from the experiences. I know it doesn't help or matter now, and I don't even know if there is a way to mend the pieces inside, but thank you for opening up about your story. It could help so many people by just sharing that.
I don't know if or when it gets better, but you've made it through so much already and moved forward, even if it doesn't feel like it, I bet you can move forward from these feelings too. Sending good vibes and support your way
@ClassicalMe Thank you. Ive never really shared or looked for help. Past two years Ive been a zombie on autopilot. Just surviving. I cant even think of anything big that happened. This past week or so I have started getting involved here. My boss, the closest thing I have to a friend has been pushing me to try and get help so I found this. I feel less, weight, having shared and talked some. But even here I feel like Im an outsider. An ugly broken thing going through the motions amongst real people trying to feel better.
I guess this is where we can release it out. I've always had a dream to be Big, Great and work hard to cover all the poverty. Unfortunately I didn't know how to.I got pregnant at varsity and like everyone else, Its a mistake. I then promised myself to do better from there. I got pregnant again and i aborted. I thought that was over. I fell in love with some guy and he proposed to marry, we got pregnant in the preparation of everything. I did another abortion and acted it was miscrarriage. It passed.When everything had passed like that, I got another pregancy. It grew to 5 Months and the evil me again pushed me to abortion. I aborted again. The trauma at this abortion made me realise that i have been evil all this time. I feel like a true murderer. I tried not to think about it, it just keeps on coming to me. The images, scans and all the pain that the innocent baby felt.
