Asheroo's Journey *trigger warning for sexual abuse*
Before I started typing, I was tapping on my latop and staring around my room, unsure of what to write. The first time I talked about my abuse was several years ago on twitter to my best friend. Since then, I have told a total of 5 people, one of them was in person. Finally talking in person about the abuse I went through as a child was overwhelming. It was a safe space; I talked to a helpline on the phone and when I got referred to a counsellor, I told them. It was a lot easier because they already had my details. They didn't raise the topic and they made it clear we would only discuss it if/when I was comfortable with it. At the moment, I'm not at all comfortable. It brought back memories and on Saturday morning, I relapsed with self-harm. I'm trying to keep things calm and make sure that I am around people and getting out of the house rather than allowing myself to shut down. I know that if I do, it will take me a while to come out of.
My goal is to feel comfortable talking about the abuse with my counsellor. I think if I get to that point, I'll find it easier to deal with (I hope!)
@asheroo92 Hey Ash good to see your diary here and that your able to start writing your feelings down.
Im sorry to hear that you have suffered sexual abuse but glad to hear you have found a counsellor that perhaps you can begin to work on what happened to you and to begin to heal from what you have been through. Its hard to trust and to open up about all the hurts that have been shut away for so long and which may be causing you to self harm etc Self harm is one way of coping and an effective on short term but it also ends up hurting you. Its good you are beginning to recognise what can possibly help you to move forward and I hope too you can find the support you need and are looking for. In those times when you feel the need to self harm, have there been times when you have done other things as distraction and have been successful in not hurting yourself?
@Rain45 Hey Rain
Thank you for replying. I do find it really hard to trust because I'm always worried that people would get told even though counselling sessions are confidential. And it's hard to open up as well. I think the self-harm is definitely a way of coping with it. It started with coping with depression but it's definitely about coping with the abuse too.
I have been able to distract myself before. I often get thoughts of wanting to self-harm and I'm able to distract myself from that by talking to people, listening to music, watching a film etc. However it's when it gets to the persistent stage. I don't know how to stop that. It's like a line is crossed and I can't see a way back and I guess I've also taught myself that as well. Trying to break the habit of it is extremely difficult. The thought "self-harm isn't worth this" crossed my mind the other day. Just all the feelings of guilt it brings, having to apply first aid if necessary, having to hide it etc. It isn't worth the relief it brings. I've been self-harm free before for 2-3 years so I know I can get there. It's just getting back on track.
@asheroo92 Hey ash you more than welcome and Im glad to reply anytime If your every worried about confidentiality with a counsellor always ask them what their policy is because sometimes some counsellors do have clauses where there are exceptions where they may need to breach confidentiality especially if they work for an agency. Exceptions may be where they believe someone is at risk of harm or a danger to others. Some counsellors have a total confidentiality policy where its all private between you, so its worth asking them if your worried. And your right it is hard to open up and trust people and that takes time to build.
Its good that you recognise that you are able to find good ways of distracting yourself from the urge to self harm. Perhaps make a list of the things that have worked for you and use that as a safety plan for when the urge happens for you. By having a safety plan you can work yourself through those ways that have worked. I think when you describe it was a persistant stage, its maybe because its kind of addictive in the sense you know it will work short term. It will solve the problem but long term, the problem will remain. You kind of get caught in the negative cycle of you feel bad, you feel the need to self harm, if you self harm, you will feel better for a while, but then perhaps you beat yourself up for having self harmed? and then you feel bad again and this reinforces the need to self harm again? and so the cycle continues and that is without whatever is causing you to want to self harm in the first place - the root cause? which is what needs to be worked on?
I think to be free to self harm for 2-3 yearsis a massive achievement and you should be so proud of yourself for having done that. That is such a huge huge achievement and I know it cant have been easy to have done that. So well done to you for having got that far with not having hurt yourself for that long. Massive step in your journey to self healing Ash
Hey @Rain45
My counsellor has said they will only share information if they feel I'm at risk. The feeling is me being paranoid. They don't work for an agency, it's counselling through a charity.
Making a list is a good idea! I think you are spot on there. It's a vicious cycle. I know it will get me out of whatever I am feeling and I know it works, short-term. In that moment, I'm not looking to work through my problems. I want a quick fix so I can get on with whatever I need to do. The counselling will hopefully help to work through the root of it.
Thank you very much. It's hard to be proud of it because I feel guilty when I self-harm so it doesn't feel like something I should be proud of. I'm grateful for what you have said though.
@asheroo92
Hey @Rain45 Hey Ash Its good that your counsellor has been upfront on their policy around confidentiality so you know where you stand.
Making a list works for some people and you may find it may be useful to you. I hope too the counselling will help you longer term. Counselling wont always be easy and there may be ups and downs in the process but try and stick with it and reach out for support when you need.
I think you should feel proud of those steps you take to overcome anything like not self harming for 1 day or 1 year. Its a massive achievement you have made. I know like your post said you may not feel like its something to feel proud over, but I think its something that takes a lot of effort and courage to achieve and its not easy to do either. Giving up or trying to replace a coping mechanism that works even if it works short term is hard, and I dont think you should dismiss how hard that is to do. You have come a long way in being able to get to the place you at
Wow, I haven't posted in here for a while! So I guess I'm here for an update.
I requested counselling with a trauma-specific mental health charity, recommended by the helpline I phoned and then the counsellor I saw. I just did that earlier tonight so it could be a few days before I hear back from them.
What else? I finished university in May. I have a resit exam to do in August then I'll graduate in December.
I'm now applying for jobs and I've got two interviews, one tomorrow (July 5th) and one on July 6th.
I still get symptoms from depression, anxiety and PTSD. Recently, suicidal ideation has been quite bad. I made an appointment to see my doctor however that won't be until July 17th but it's better than nothing and the problems will still be there then. I'm going to try and be more open about the suicidal ideation. They don't know how bad it is because I'm always afraid to tell them, but I need to so they know how best to treat me and that can only be a good thing.
I hate when C talks about the person who abused me. C doesn
@asheroo92 - It's understandable to have those triggers come up when you hear about your abuser and it's tough when you want someone to not bring them up but don't feel like you can explain why. Do you feel like it's possible to get C not to bring that person up by just saying that you're not interested in hearing about them, or do they continue to talk about them regardless?
As for when it does come up, what helps you to deal with those triggers? I know that Rain had mentioned above about having a list of things to try when the self harm urges come up - I wonder if something similar could help here. What would be on the list for things that help you cope when you are feeling triggered? What are little things (or big ones) that you can do to get through those tough moments?
You also mentioned earlier in the month that you graduated - congratulations! That's a great achievement and it's exciting to move towards new opportunities with those job interviews and whatever else comes next. How are you feeling about things right now in general?
Wishing you well!
@Anomalia Thanks for replying. Yeah, I usually do say I'm not interested and that usually helps but my mind also goes over things a lot so flashbacks aren't always triggered by anything, sometimes they just happen.
When it gets particularly bad, I listen to loud music with earphones and just try to focus on the song I'm listening to. I also come on here or talk with friends who know the situation. Having people to talk to that understand is really helpful. I'm not really sure what else. I want to come up with more things that help.
Well, I finished uni but I have a resit next month so I'll officially graduate in December but thank you :) currently, I'm feeling okay. I just finished watching Harry Potter (Prisoner of Azkaban) after studying earlier.
Kind regards
@asheroo92
I'm glad that saying you're not interested usually helps, but I understand that sometimes your mind can race ahead and flashbacks aren't always predictable or preventable. It sounds like you have a few good tools for working through when things are especially bad, and I think that continuing to add to that toolkit sounds like a good idea! Are there other things you've tried before (even if they haven't helped)? Sometimes having an idea of what does and what doesn't work can help to brainstorm new ideas.
I also have a guide for self harm urges (though I actually think it works in lots of contexts) that basically sorts out by the feeling and lists lots of alternatives - I've found that for most people, a lot of the ideas feel silly, but there are some within there that feel like they might help or are worth trying. If you're interested, you can check in out here.
Glad to hear that overall you're feeling okay right now - I have been revisiting Harry Potter recently and have remembered how much I love those books (and movies, but I'm much more a book person). :) Hope that today is a good one!