Adopted for What?
My adoptive mother always said that she was the only one in the family who wanted me. She said everybody thought it was a waste of time to go all the way to China just to get a daughter. But she did. She came to China and picked out me. A child with an illness that she could cure in the States. But what was her reason for doing all of this? She wanted everybody to say how much of a good person and mother she was. Unfortunately, a 3 old from China wasn't going to come to a completely new country to live without it's difficulty's. But who wouldn't. It turns out, she didn't even want me here either. She has made sure I know that everyday since then. My only security against her is the restraining order, but she still comes to bite me.
@starsabove7303 I am sorry. I've heard that this is (unfortunately) not an uncommon sentiment: that some adoptive parents see themselves as "saving" their adoptee and that they're bringing the child to a better situation/place. They expect undying gratitude because they "rescued" someone from a horrible fat (as they see it).
It's unfortunate your mother seems to have this (or very similar) attitude. I wish you well.
My brother has officially left our household to go live with my adoptive mom. I'm so hurt because apparently none of us here were good enough for him. The pain on my dad's face is so raw and it hurts me to see him like this. He is a man that never sheds tears. I'm exasperated. When will she be satisfied with how much she has ruined our lives. My family is being torn apart because of her. She won't stop. She is draining our emotions as well as money that we don't have.
Wow! Another super day....... of me doing absolutely nothing. Today was one of those days for me that I literally felt nothing. I almost don't know how to describe it. It was like, if something super exciting were to pop up at my front door, I would have no reaction. I felt detached to everything around me all day. Life is passing before me and I'm not doing anything with it. I think that bothers me a little bit because I do want to make some kind of mark on the world. Not saying that I want to do something extremely big, I'm just saying that I don't want my life to be a waste. I just feel so unsignificant in the scheme of things. It's that feeling you get when you're in a sea of people, and not one single person seems to see you. You are virtually invisible. I don't want to be just another person on this world taking up oxygen. I want to matter- to truly matter to someone.
But, looking on the lighter side of things, I just put a smoothie in an ice cream cone.
@starsabove7303
Hi there - I saw this post and it really spoke to me. I can absolutely relate to that idea of wanting to make some kind of mark on this world - having some thing, big or small, that I have done here. I think that can be a really motivating force, but can also sometimes feel like a lot of pressure when also struggling with things personally. But I think it's a really powerful and noble goal, as well, to want to really mean something to someone or to the world. What do you think that could look like? Do you feel like there are ways you can work towards that goal even when you are feeling unseen?
(and as a side note - I'm very curious about the smoothie in an ice cream cone - I would be worried it would leak, but otherwise sounds delightful!)
@Anomalia
I honestly don't know how to work towards a goal that isn't really official. The goals I do have, I feel like will never be accomplished. I honestly don't believe that I will be able to succeed. I don't believe that I'm smart enough to do the things I want to. I hate that feeling because I'm labeled the smart kid, but I feel like a fake.
Yes, I understand how working towards smaller, more plausible goals is easier for one to accomplish bigger life goals. And it's nice to get some helpful advice. So thank you to both of you, and I will definitely try to narrow down my goals and specify what I want. Everyday is a new chance to work on things I'm striving to achieve.
@starsabove7303
One small step at a time. 
That is what you do. Celebrate the small successes. Find things that you get satisfaction from whether current or past. Try making a goal to do one of those activities. As we increase the amount of positive reinforcement we experience we begin to end the negative behaviors that cause depression and anxiety to worsen. As we replace the negative behaviors with behaviors that we find rewarding it reinforces the positive behaviors and decreases the negative reinforcements.
@starsabove7303
I live in China now. I have met young American Chinese people who have returned to China. One of them that I heard about through a friend was adopted like yourself. From what I understand, he too had a rough time of it.
When I worked as a counselor with troubled kids, I had the experience of working with a young man adopted straight out of a Romanian orphange. No one really understood at that time the impact of malnutition and the other problems these kids suffered from. He got told by a number of people, "You shouldn't be acting this way, you should be grateful to your parents, they adopted you out of a Romanian Orphange."
The orphangage part is true, but as medical studies started to come to light about the problems with malnutrion and even the lack of physical touch and comfort that babies get from their mothers and fathers, it became understood that the young man's problems weren't really in his own control. They were neurological and he had spent years being told he's an ingrate and a terrible person and being sent to a near lockdown level wilderness program.
I guess my point here is, you aren't alone, there are communities of like minded people out there. Where they are, I couldn't tell you, but where there is pain and suffering, there is usually a support group for it.
If you could go back in time to tell your mother just one thing before she brought you into her home, what would that be?
@DaveMcGrath
I think I would want to know the circumstances of her giving me up. If it was because she already had a child, was a prostitute and couldn't take care of me, just didn't want me. I would like to think that she gave me up only because she absolutely had to, but I would like to know
. Me being adopted is a fact of life for me, so I'm not hurt or angry at her. Sometimes I just get curious. I can't imagine a different life than I have now, but I see all these other adopted kids with a great family whose always loved them and supported them. My adoptive mother gave me a life full of self-doubt and virtually no child hood. I can't remember anything good in my childhood. All that's there are the memories of abuse, and other things she has done to me, my mind has blocked out.
Sometimes, I feel bad because other have it so much worse, and their still dealing with it. I think I'm weak because I couldn't deal with 6 years of her. I don't know. I just don't know.
But to my adoptive mother, whatever your reason, I love you. You have also shaped a huge part of my life and of me. Thankyou.
@starsabove7303
Lot of children that were sent to the US from China came from horribly impoverished parts of the country. You have some good questions, I hope you get answers for them.
Yet, at the same time, I hope you get them when you are in a good place. In my mind, I see you carrying yourself with dignity and grace as you finally reach the end of a long journey and find the answers you've been looking for. The journey will have shaped you and helped you grow and develop as a person in all sorts of fantastic and surprising ways.
Maybe, I'm a hopeless optimist about these sorts of things, but this is what I hope for you.
