Trauma bonded to a narcissist
I need help / support /guidance to take that final step to get away from the narcissist. Part of my brain knows that I need to just do it and walk away and not look back. 10+ years and I have proof it was a lie. But the other part that’s tethered to my heart keeps thinking they will change and that I will be #1 again. But it doesn't change. The cheating continues. The lies continue. Why can't I just walk away? I'm here to ask someone to help hold me up and help me make that final step.
I divorced a narcissist. It took me ten years to finally have had enough. For me, I had to get to a place where I realized that they didn't really care about me - that I was only a means for getting what they wanted. When I finally realized that I was self-sacrificing my wants and needs to meet their wants and needs in an attempt to make them happy, but that neither of us was happy, I reached my breaking point. A flip switched and I just didn't care anymore.
Try to think about yourself - are you happy, are your needs being considered and met, are you living the life you want? Thank about what you would tell someone else in your situation who is dealing with the same anguish? I was told several times I should leave him, but it is much easier for someone else to say. Divorce is a lot of pain, even when you know it's right. I spent a few weeks coming home from work and just lying in the fetal position sobbing, I couldn't eat, I missed him. Those feelings will come and they won't be easy, but you can get through it. You can have a different life, one where you're free
The logical portion of my brain knows they only keep me around because I can provide something. I see the pattern. I am still a source of supply. But I found out they are lying to my face and cheating again. Why can't the emotional part of my brain just let go? I have proof. The anxiety of just the thought of them not being in my life is overwhelming. What is wrong with me? I know I'm smarter than this. I'm normally very logical. Why can't I make that step? I know my life will be so much better once I do this, but why can't I do it? How much more pain must I endure before my switch comes on?
Help!
The best advice I can give is that it has to be the right time for you.
I had family members, friends, and a therapist all tell me, knowing our problems, that I should leave him, but I just wasn't ready then. When I finally decided to, I was at work and for some reason that day, I just decided to do it. There was no catalyst for it that particular day, it was just a feeling of being done. It had been building toward that with fights and such during that whole month. When I told him, he didn't think it was real - he said he'd just sleep in another room in the house, but I told him he needed to leave. If I hadn't been ready, I probably would have just let him stay and drag it out longer.
I think that's why it has to be right for you. When you're done, you're done. His manipulations no longer worked on me. I just didn't care anymore. He tried to fight it out with me, calling me terrible names and threatening to go after me for spousal support, but I didn't fight back because I just didn't care.
To get there, think about what is happening and what you want. You don't deserve to be lied to. Can you and he communicate well? Can you openly share your feelings? Can you establish trust and confidence in each other? Is this the relationship you want?
Hi Peapod. I am in a similar situation with my Narcissist leaving me actually before I could leave them. I totally have lost myself, including my career (mutual agreement 7yrs now for me to manage the household) and will need to start over with a job, and a place to live. It’s all very upsetting - not the future I expected and was led to believe was real. The lies are too numerous to even count and the lack of integrity on their part is laughable. Please keep in mind that - They are responsible for their own issues - they are the narcissist - you will be so much better off without them and leaving is best now before they suddenly discard you and leave you even more confused. Keep strong - you haven’t done anything but believe in your commitment and suffer the classic manipulation and lies that make the Narcissist who they are. Lift the burden of their lies and manipulation off your shoulders (I like to visualize this) and place it on theirs and turn your back and walk away with your head held high! Much peace during this time of uncertainty.
Thank you "?" for sharing and validating that I am not the only one that has experienced this.
Mine is still a mental fight between the logical and the heart. I'm scared to leave my comfortable familiarity. Logic is helping me take baby steps forward, albeit it's slow but its progress. *I'm trying to use this analogy to keep me positive so I don't beat myself up for not just walking away.
@Peapod22
I have been where you are but circumstances were different. Traumatic bond is so difficult to break. It was absolutely the hardest thing I've ever had to do . The grief I felt was crippling.
I got myself into therapy and I learned that the relationship was part addiction for me. It was a dreamlike ideal I had in my mind of this perfect soulmate relationship, but it wasn't reality it was a lie.
I finally faced the facts. It been a 4 year process but I am so much better . I had to find the right supporters to get away from the narcissist that had me under his thumb.
I hope this helps, best of luck
ABB 💜
