woes and such //cw: generally negative content, religion

this happened on august 23rd of this year. at the time of writing its now been four months since, and the worry still festers in my mind. originally, i didnt want to have to resort to 7cups, under the assumption i could put my mental health on hold until i became an adult and could go to therapy. that was the plan. until august 23rd happened. 

as a bit of background, im not sure what mental health issues i actually have, but i have enough self-awareness to know im not okay. so i often resort to writing as a form of coping/escapism, as an alternative to s-lf h-rm. this could include writing stories, journal-like entries, vent writing/art, among other things. none of which were MEANT to be seen by others. these drawings and writings could easily come across the wrong way if read or seen by the wrong person. which, unsurprisingly, is what happened. multiple times. by the SAME person. my mom.

and it wasnt like she had an issue with me writing before. but then she started getting nosier, around middle school. if she would come across one if i left it out for too long by mistake, she'd open it up and snoop to her heart's content. never was she understanding abt what she found. the same goes for my phone. this is definitely my fault on some level, but nobody told me certain things weren't appropriate to think about, draw, or look up. my mom kept that all from me, and when i found out at school what my peers saw and did, i thought it was normal to be curious regarding s-x and other things. but no. she's never seen me the same way, since middle school. to her im some disgusting, irredeemable pervert. no matter what i do. no matter what i say. i cant get her trust back. and, well, the events of august 23rd aren't going to change a damn thing in that regard.

so, august 23rd. it was supposed to be a happy day. my family and i were going to disneyland for three days and were going to leave that morning. i woke up relatively early to make sure i was ready to go, and my mom walks from the kitchen to the living room and says good morning. she walks towards the hallway, and this is the moment that made my life THAT much more of a living ***. she half-smiles at me,  and she asks me nonchalantly "who wrote 'please kill my mom' on this little piece of paper?". when i heard her playing dumb like that, i knew i'd seriously f-cked up, yet again.

somehow (im unaware of how this little bit of paper got there) she had found a small note that i had made basically pleading to the universe to either get me out of here, or get my mom out of here. i wrote that at a time of high levels of distress, in a moment of which i was seriously considering taking my own life. i hate this house, the people in it, and i hate what i did to myself and to my life by extension... and in that moment of bleary anger i expressed those feelings onto paper, rather than going the extreme route.

to put it lightly, my mom blew it way out of proportion, even after i'd tried to explain to her this was from a build-up of thoughts. she just kept shaking her head, starting to cry, and i honestly felt really bad. awful. this was easily some of the most vomit-threatening guilt i've ever felt in my life. i didnt know what to do, other than tell her i was sorry. i dont do very well with emotions, much less negative ones. so i doubt it came off very well. once the tears had subsided, she pointed a finger at me. now she was angry. my mom spoke to me in a stern voice.


"you better f-cking pray that god forgives you. even if you do, just know you're going straight to h-ll."

now, it must be clarified that this wasn't anywhere NEAR the first time the four-letter h word had been used as a threat. but for some reason, this time totally broke me. i have never been the same since she'd told me this. i live in constant fear and anxiety. i cant think straight and my memory/concentration is totally shot. disgusting, intrusive thoughts eat away at me. specific memories i havent recalled in over a DECADE about bad things i cant change are forever in my head. constantly. i need to be distracted 24/7 and cant bear to be alone with my thoughts the way i used to. and i cant tell her, or anyone around me about these thoughts or memories. they'll think im f-cking insane or need to be locked up asap. h-ll is at the forefront of my mind. im going to h-ll. she told me im going to h-ll. my actions tell me im going to h-ll, and i deserve everything that's coming my way.