Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav
tokkittalgi
1 878 M Little Steps 1
disoriented, rotting, confused
PathStep 24 Compassion hearts160 Forum posts49 Forum upvotes112 Current upvotes112 Age GroupTeen Last activeDecember, 2024 Member sinceAugust 26, 2024
Bio
  • šŸ’š heyy :) call me tokki !
  • šŸ¤”Ā senior in high school
  • šŸŒŠ aquariusĀ 
  • šŸŒˆ panromantic + genderfluid (she/he pronouns at the moment; and possibly demisexual?)Ā 
  • šŸ¤¢ living in a toxic household with no way out
  • šŸŽµ fave music: gorillaz, mother mother, muse, the beatles, KoRn, jack stauber, arctic monkeys (and many others)
  • šŸŽØĀ aspiring poet, artist and maybe voice actress ?
  • šŸ§Ÿ things im into ! (will change as i remember more of em lol): eddsworld, sonic, sanrio, amazing digital circus, sam and max, marvel, game grumps, moominvalley, animal crossing
  • šŸ’” living under a cultural rock
  • šŸ°Ā undiagnosed, but most likely have some form of neurodivergency, among other things (trying not to self-diagnose, but i know there's at least something up-)
  • šŸ“ posting my poems every so often on the poetry community page <3 feel free to check 'em out !














































Recent forum posts
tokkittalgi profile picture
woes and such //cw: generally negative content, religion
Trauma Support / by tokkittalgi
Last post
 November 26th
...See more this happened on august 23rd of this year. at the time of writing its now been four months since, and the worry still festers in my mind. originally, i didnt want to have to resort to 7cups, under the assumption i could put my mental health on hold until i became an adult and could go to therapy. that was the plan. until august 23rd happened.Ā  as a bit of background, im not sure what mental health issues i actually have, but i have enough self-awareness to know im not okay. so i often resort to writing as a form of coping/escapism, as an alternative to s-lf h-rm. this could include writing stories, journal-like entries, vent writing/art, among other things. none of which were MEANT to be seen by others. these drawings and writings could easily come across the wrong way if read or seen by the wrong person. which, unsurprisingly, is what happened. multiple times. by the SAME person. my mom. and it wasnt like she had an issue with me writing before. but then she started getting nosier, around middle school. if she would come across one if i left it out for too long by mistake, she'd open it up and snoop to her heart's content. never was she understanding abt what she found. the same goes for my phone. this is definitely my fault on some level, but nobody told me certain things weren't appropriate to think about, draw, or look up. my mom kept that all from me, and when i found out at school what my peers saw and did, i thought it was normal to be curious regarding s-x and other things. but no. she's never seen me the same way, since middle school. to her im some disgusting, irredeemable pervert. no matter what i do. no matter what i say. i cant get her trust back. and, well, the events of august 23rd aren't going to change a damn thing in that regard. so, august 23rd. it was supposed to be a happy day. my family and i were going to disneyland for three days and were going to leave that morning. i woke up relatively early to make sure i was ready to go, and my mom walks from the kitchen to the living room and says good morning. she walks towards the hallway, and this is the moment that made my life THAT much more of a living ***. she half-smiles at me,Ā  and she asks me nonchalantly "who wrote 'please kill my mom' on this little piece of paper?". when i heard her playing dumb like that, i knew i'd seriously f-cked up, yet again. somehow (im unaware of how this little bit of paper got there) she had found a small note that i had made basically pleading to the universe to either get me out of here, or get my mom out of here. i wrote that at a time of high levels of distress, in a moment of which i was seriously considering taking my own life. i hate this house, the people in it, and i hate what i did to myself and to my life by extension... and in that moment of bleary anger i expressed those feelings onto paper, rather than going the extreme route. to put it lightly, my mom blew it way out of proportion, even after i'd tried to explain to her this was from a build-up of thoughts. she just kept shaking her head, starting to cry, and i honestly felt really bad. awful. this was easily some of the most vomit-threatening guilt i've ever felt in my life. i didnt know what to do, other than tell her i was sorry. i dont do very well with emotions, much less negative ones. so i doubt it came off very well. once the tears had subsided, she pointed a finger at me. now she was angry. my mom spoke to me in a stern voice. "you better f-cking pray that god forgives you. even if you do, just know you're going straight to h-ll." now, it must be clarified that this wasn't anywhere NEAR the first time the four-letter h word had been used as a threat. but for some reason, this time totally broke me. i have never been the same since she'd told me this. i live in constant fear and anxiety. i cant think straight and my memory/concentration is totally shot. disgusting, intrusive thoughts eat away at me. specific memories i havent recalled in over a DECADE about bad things i cant change are forever in my head. constantly. i need to be distracted 24/7 and cant bear to be alone with my thoughts the way i used to. and i cant tell her, or anyone around me about these thoughts or memories. they'll think im f-cking insane or need to be locked up asap. h-ll is at the forefront of my mind. im going to h-ll. she told me im going to h-ll. my actions tell me im going to h-ll, and i deserve everything that's coming my way.Ā 
tokkittalgi profile picture
scared of having pgad
Women's Issues / by tokkittalgi
Last post
 November 15th
...See more //tw: afab genital/sxual health,, if thatā€™s icky to you i suggest you click off now and have a great day <3 this started a day or two ago. like, a weird tingly feeling in my lower area. i know WHAT it means (arousal) but i donā€™t want to go into too much detail. but the thing is, it wouldnā€™t even go away. for anything. like,, sometimes the feeling WOULD go for a bit but then itā€™d come back,, and i wouldnā€™t even be doing anything that would trigger a stimulation response. the feeling just sits there. itā€™s been really distressing. i searched on google for what this could be (i know, probably not the best idea) and i stumbled across the condition of pgad (persistent genital arousal disorder), and to say the least iā€™m panicking. i have NO ONE to talk abt this with. and if i told my mom sheā€™d think im some sort of disgusting shameful dirty person that did this to myself. so now i donā€™t know what to do.Ā 
tokkittalgi profile picture
a mother's love - poem
Poetry / by tokkittalgi
Last post
 November 11th
...See more i lie awake, feeling my mind, breaking, shaking, fleeting. i hold my head in my hands, denying what i'm seeing. she isn't there, she isn't there, self-soothing taught me true. though to be lived and living all at once, it isn't something i thought i would do. not so soon. a cage without its key isn't easily escaped, so i've learned before. time and time again i've tried, and yet again i have come undone. all of this suffering, to only be told it's out of her love. pleading for pacifism, it is an option long expired. in my bones may be stillness, but in my mind is fire.
tokkittalgi profile picture
the sea of sand - poem
Poetry / by tokkittalgi
Last post
 November 7th
...See more just a speck, in an open, endless dream. it's restlessly waiting on the coastline of the hourglass beach. with dying hospitality,Ā  the speck pleads to leave it be. let it be, so it pleads, let it be swept in the mindless motions, of rolling over hills and valleys, with no noise, other than the soft breathing; the soft breathing of ignorant relief. the mirage of bliss holds fast to them, as it does to the grand sand sea. but the one little grain that tumbled off the trail now watches them from afar, flowing free.
tokkittalgi profile picture
feeling better, but for how long ?
OCD & Related Behaviors / by tokkittalgi
Last post
 November 17th
...See more //tw: intrusive thoughts n such// sometimes i seriously think im getting better again with my intrusive thoughts and such. like, i'll feel totally normal for almost a FULL day. but then i do something simple, literally ANYTHING- like coming across something mildly disturbing without meaning to, getting in an argument with family members, showering/using the bathroom, or go to bed, and... it feels like my brain did a reset, and then i'll be flipping out again over things that already happened/that i cant control all over again. i find it extra hard to keep things at bay in the shower, mainly because in there there's no distractions. its rlly discouraging, especially when i have such vivid moments of just,, almost blissful amounts of normality.Ā 
tokkittalgi profile picture
going through the motions
Depression Support / by tokkittalgi
Last post
 November 7th
...See more //heads up: super disorganized wall of words type of vent ahead,, my head doesnt feel clear right now,, reader's discretion advised </3 im so scared i will never find my way out of this awful state of mind. im an outsider among those that're supposed to always be there for me; so they claim, anyway. my mom hates me. she lovebombs me often, and the lows get lower every time. i havent told her that i loved her in around two years. her love means nothing real to me anymore. i dont care if it sounds harsh right now. ive seen her duality and it tells me enough. one wrong move and she could turn against me. my siblings never cared, and they definitely dont seem to care now. i dont even remember the last time we spoke and got along. i feel like the older i get the further i disconnect from everything because i continue to realize how badly im being treated and that i desperately want to get out of here. i know at least on a partial level that this is my fault. im not trying to put all the blame on them for my issues, but theyre certainly NOT helping. i cant talk to anyone about anything without worrying that im going to be taken to some institution against my will; as my mom has threatened a handful of times. i feel like im around the wrong people irl to be dealing with whatever it is im dealing with, and i cant legally distance myself from them yet. anyone who i feel CAN help seem so far away. im getting physical symptoms from the stress, and i just genuinely feel like a zombie. thats the most accurate way i can describe it. i FEEL dead. expired. at the point of no-return.
tokkittalgi profile picture
the highest security prison in the state of mind - poem
Poetry / by tokkittalgi
Last post
 November 3rd
...See more my mind is full, yet i draw a blank. withering slowly from within, is how i live the rest of my days. how was it this life that i had a hand to create? this is where white noise and calamity lives. it doesn't matter whether i am awake or asleep, i am trapped in this space. im not sure how to feel of this gruesome existence, or how to assure myself of my place. if this is fate, as i suspect time and time again, it must be having a grand time, much to my chagrin. so is the devil, i presume; sliding the beads of the abacus, unrushed whilst awaiting my doom. my head is in his hands, not mine. they fill my head with fear, and my mind follows suit. so the land of limbo is my home. and when i close my eyes, a final time, i fear where i may go.
tokkittalgi profile picture
yipes :D
Anxiety Support / by tokkittalgi
Last post
 November 1st
...See more oh boy, U.S. election seasonnn. where do i begin? i hate it. im so sick of all the political ads, too, like bruvvie let me get through this in peace :( its the worst bc when my mom is around and she always has somethin politically charged to say,, or calls me a āœØdevil worshipperāœØ just bc of my own views not alligning with hers. this is a normal thing in my house, but its been a lot worse as of late since its actually election season. also high key worried abt the aftermath,, bc i know my family will have something to say about whoever wins. i just want this to be over already, pleasee-
Search more from @tokkittalgi
Community updates
Considering Therapy?
Talk to an expert therapist
Badges & Awards
21 total badges
Hand Shake Linked First Post Reaching out Helping out Appreciated Voice Contributor Community Collaborator First Compassion Helpful heart Kindness personified Bundled 7 Day Streak 14 Day Streak 30 Day Streak Teammate Group Friend Forum Friend Meaghan's Heart Hang 10
Report an issue