Tw csa and assault , general timeline

I hope this is OK to share, there's sexual abuse tw in general for this. I may not be using the best language to describe my issues but I'd like to share.

I missed out on learning about boundaries when I was a little kid and my mom parentified me/did emotional incest (over sharing adult issues like sex, divorce, etc and expecting me to parent my younger siblings from a young age). I was frequently groomed online from around 9-14 and I do think my earlier childhood had a lot to do with it, because in general (especially sexually) I felt like I had owed other people and wanted to make people stay because I was very only. Sometimes acting out sexually or seeking out predators was the only way to get attention.

Around 12 my mom was getting divorced from her abusive ex and moving out, so my life was really unstable. I struggled with hypersexuality and porn addiction, on top of/mixed with "edating" various adults who exploited me. I didn't have a lot of her attention at the time and I basically thought, "well, I don't really care about my body or safety, so at least I can make people listen to me about my feelings if I 'do this' for them." She also apparently was unaware of her ex abusing me too, sexually. I didn't tell her until I was 15?16?

One of these I met at 15 ended up becoming an irl abuser, emotionally and physically and sexually from the ages 18-22. I only recently moved out of that abuser's house this year and am also impacted by a sexual assault from a stranger in 2020 still. I pretty much have no consistent sexual boundaries and am almost at a loss of what I even want?

Most of the time I just want to be "left alone" because I view sex as a threat to my safety, like when I was assaulted. I froze because I didn't know if this stranger would actually hurt me if I didn't let him do what he wanted. Today I still struggle with the idea that sexual attraction is intent to harm me and sometimes I have intrusive thoughts about others wanting to have sex with me which makes me uncomfortable and worsens my social anxiety. I don't want to sound conceited but it's like, "oh no, if I say good morning to this person, they'll be mad at me if I don't let them touch me."

Well right now I live with my partner and this is the first relationship I've felt safe in. We are both the same age which has been very helpful for me because unfortunately my previous experiences were with people much older and who took advantage of me. I had a couple of age experiences between but they weren't really positive either, like my middle school bf sharing things with his friends when I didn't consent to that.

I still struggle with reduced reactivity at times, basically dissociating in every situation often (I'm wondering if DBT mindfulness will help with this). My partner asks/initiates respectfully but then I still shut down. Its like I'm procrastinating at communicating, it takes me too long to say "actually I'm not in the mood", "actually I didn't like what you just did". They always respectfully backs off and apologize but at this point it's basically my own fault that I am..triggering myself?? For some reason?? I seem so passive.

I also struggle with finding them attractive. I very much do, and even initiate activities myself, and I flirt a lot. But then I feel subconscious anxiety that I'm being abusive, exploitative, disrespectful. I talk to them about it and no, everything we've done is consensual and they feel completely safe with the way I talk/touch them and that I respect their own boundaries. So why can't I believe them that I'm not evil for wanting to be intimate with them? Sometimes I wish I couldn't see my partner sexually so I wouldn't be "gross" and "bad". I've tried looking for resources like this but I don't relate to purity culture/parental upbringing to cause these feelings of grossness, I think it's just me conflating my abuse with my sexual attraction now??